How to handle talking to my mum before moving her into assisted living?


My mum is a dementia patient and is 89 years old. I and my hubby were thinking to shift her to an assisted living home care in Bridgewood. Her memory loss problem is now severely impaired and she has been showing signs of aggression and has been belligerent. Please help me if you have any suggestions as to how to handle talking to her before moving her into the nursing home. I've no idea on how we are gonna get her there when she refuses the assisted living. I also wanted to know how much will be cost of pay? Please share.

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I don' think trying to prepare her for the move will help at all with this level of dementia. You just have to do it. She may not realize what is happening or fight you tooth and nail but if you and hubby can no longer cope and can't afford hired help there really is not an alternative. A little deception may be required. Tell her you are going out to lunch and indeed go out to lunch (at the facility) and then let the staff take it from there. Pack a small bag with the essentials and don't come back for whatever time the staff suggests. You can drop off whatever you think she will need but leave it at the front desk don't let her see you. Yes she will feel betrayed and you will feel guilty but is there an alternative? Do you have a rich sister who lives in a mansion and can give over the "west wing" to Mom and her caregivers. "No" I thought not so you have to do what is best for everyone and that includes you.
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I think that I might talk with the admissions director about their facilities, costs, amenities, etc. I'd inquire if they would be able to accommodate your mom's needs. Determining a place that can accommodate the level of care she needs would be a priority.

When I first placed my cousin into regular Assisted Living, it seemed like it would work, but as she progressed very quickly with her dementia, it became apparent that a regular Assisted Living was not sufficient and I had to move her to a Secure Memory Care facility. People who are severely effected with dementia require a lot of time, attention and support that most people in regular AL do not. I'd ask about about in detail. They may have a professional who can do a needs assessment to determine what level of care she needs.

Have you visited their facilities? I toured various places when searching for my cousin a place. I think that helps see what they have to offer.

Also, since she is being aggressive, I'd consult with her doctor immediately as Babalou suggested. See if that can be addressed first, since, if she is resistant, aggressive and acting out, placement for her may be more challenging.

When someone is severely effected with dementia, I'm not sure how much preplanning with them is feasible. They may not be able to process the information and if they do, they are likely to forget what was discussed moments later. I worked with my cousin's doctor, who said she had to go into AL. We called it rehab, to help with her physical therapy, medication, nutrition, etc. But, as she progressed, she didn't understand things like that and she was content to be in the facility.
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I don't know anything about the facility mentioned. But if she is becoming aggressive, she should be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist asap to see if meds for her agitation will help.
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