Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3 4
hi, the last episode with my mom, ended with me getting her into hospice.
our family dr,. said she suffers from congestive heart failure.her body fills with fluids,she was swollen,painful,really wasting away.
two weeks at hospice, they released her back home to hospice inhome care.
so now she gets a nurse one day a week for 1/2 hour,an aide for 4 hours on wednesday and friday.thats my respet.time for me to go out and take care of other things.i retired from my job to care for her,and sometimes i think she might outlast me.luckily for me she never complains,and goes to bed early around 10,sleeps on and off all day.
and i pussy foot around here in the morning let the sleeping dog lay.because its diaper clean up time,and usually after meals,its a mess,sometimes i'll be changing her,just got everything clean, and it just comes out.that really erks me, and i know she can't help it, but i wonder why me.?
anyway,your mother sounds impossable,maybe you could get hospice to come help you/? ask your family dr. to write an order, and get the ball rolling,you need help.as for me? i'll take walks after she goes to bed,i internet,i'm trying to play the fiddle,and get rid of all the stuff my family has been collecting all these years,so when its my turn, i can just go traveling
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Ephesians 6:4, "Fathesr do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in discipline and instruction of the Lord."

People cherry pick what they want to hear when it comes to the bible. It basically says be good to your children and children be good to your parents. One begets the other.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Madge, I've never heard that before. Could you tell me where? I'm often quoted the Exodus "Respect your elders". Which to my mother means do everything she says.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

the bible also says "Parents don't provoke your children".
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You're going to have to accept the fact that you are never going to satisfy your mother. I would suggest a therapist to help you through this. Your situation is intolerable, I think I put up with alot, all that I can bear, but your Mother makes mine look like a saint. As someone else suggested on this board, misery loves company. But you shouldn't be subjected to this.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It sounds like ME talking...you are definitely vigilant in caring for your Mom...but, you are going to have to put your foot down buddy. When your baby cried, (after you knew you had changed the diaper, fed and burped, and covered it up with a nice warm blanket) did you run to attend to it every time? You probably went to check, but knew not to let the baby know you were there. In time that baby stopped crying, knowing that wouldn't always work to bring you in to get attention. The baby eventually learned when it behaved happily, you seemed to be around more, play more, and even get to spend time in the playpen in the same room with you. Let me emphasize my words, YOU NEED TO STOP GIVING YOUR MOTHER THE GROUND TO MANIPULATE YOU. My Mother is probably the most narcisisstic woman who ever walked this earth, and I am called many more names than just a liar. What you should do is, hire a caretaker, for at least 4 hours EVERY day, and let your Mother know if she abuses this caretaker the way she abuses you, the next step will be placement. Just because she is your Mother doesn't give her the right to throw things at you, if she ever does it again, call the police and have them come in and read her laws on assault, and it's consequences. The only authority figure my Mother listens to is the Chief of Police, and I have called him out several times. The last time was when she caught her bedroom on fire with one of her cigarettes...you are going to have to start treating her the way you would anyone else that would not respect you enough to treat you WITH respect. If you were taking care of someone else's Mother, and being paid to do so, would you allow them to throw things at you and call you names? NO, you wouldn't. Why are you allowing your Mother to do it? Lay the law down man, you are the one in control here. And if she doesn't like it, go get brochures of nursing homes and bring them for her to pick the place she will spend her final days. I know what God's word says about "Honor your Father and Mother", but it also says when you marry, you are to leave your Father and Mother and become one with your wife. My advice is, you really need to step back and look at the situation. Your wife's needs are number one here, and you should let Mom know that is how it is. She will either fall into her place in the scheme of things, or she will battle herself into a nursing home. Stop taking abuse. Each day is a gift from God, and today could be your last one.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hank4422 is so correct in his observation about the impact of caregiving on our health. I have just retired from teaching due to trying to take care of everything and making myself ill as a result. I now believe the doctors when they say we are of no use to those that need us if we do not take care of ourselves. I hope we will all start 2012 by making our health a priority. A parent who is ill needs care but those of us who are caregivers deserve to be treated with respect. Hang in there. Rebecca
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

1of8, I'm in the same boat. An old friend of mine died a couple of months ago at 53 and I believe he wrecked his health (and his life) by trying to do what we're doing.

You have a responsibility to your mom, but ALSO to your WIFE and KIDS! That means protecting them from your mom! That means taking care of yourself!

That said, I'm not sure what the next step is. Probably contacting a lawyer and finding out what the options are in your state. (that's what I plan to do)

You and I are like the frog in a pot of cold water and somebody cranked up the heat, and now we're boiling to death. The other frogs jump in and jump right back out because the water is too hot!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Thank you for sharing your progress. Stay strong. Let us know how this unfolds. It will help others feel less alone and more empowered, too.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

1 of 8, I didn't talk to my Mom for 6 months. Wouldn't call her.Gave her an ultimatum to put me on her POA as an alternate so I wouldn't have to get guardianship of her if my brother died.. It was a stand off. When she finally called me nothing had changed. I had talked to my son-in-law who is an attorney. His advice was good. I have made a good faith effort to be there for her. Now I can walk away. I explained to Mom that I would not seek guardianship of her should my brother die or not want to fulfill his duties. She still did nothing. So i am done and she has been warned and I can sleep at night knowing I did what I could but will not be used.

Sometimes you just have to dig deep and step back. See the whole picture and do what is right for you. I would hate myself if I let my Mom and brother run all over me. It would be angry for a long time. I have had enough anger.

Take care of yourself. You are good or you wouldn't care, wouldn't post here and wouldn't take care of her. Happy "New" Year
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

FANTASTIC 1 OF 8....What a wonderful way to start the new year, hearing a caregiver is taking care of himself..... you really got on the ball, very very proud of you and I know you must feel much better.... so please let us know how things are going.... and good move not speaking to her.... I am sure you are meeting her everyday needs, talking does not have to be one of them.....congrats and prayers for a good outcome next month..... hugs and angels...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Such great advice and compassion here. I am feeling much less alone in this world and feeling empowered to make change.

I went to social services for advice. Her social worker believes it is mental illness that she has probably dealt with all of her life and has set her up for a psychiatric evaluation that will happen in about a month or so. She said there is quite a demand for this so they are back logged.

She said if the psych sees fit, it will be out of my hands and he will put her in a mental facility. If he doesn't see her as a danger to herself (losing pills all over the house and never knowing what she has really taken), she said I can make that decision as her symptoms progress.

I have also arranged for 5 hours a day, six days a week of in home care. My sister, who lives two doors down, is now willing to help, knowing that she will be paid to do so...ironic.

Over the holidays I had a niece visit her. While I was in my bedroom and they obviously didn't know I was even in the house, they had a lengthy discussion about me. Mommy was all too eager to cut me to the bone for nearly an hour and a half. When my niece said, "Well, Mawmaw, I better say bye to Uncle Carl, I stepped from around the corner and said "You don't have to go far, I am right here." You should have seen their faces!

I hadn't talked to my mother for days. Only curt one word answers to her questions and requests. Shes cried every day. "Carl, I am so sick today/weak today." All in an attempt to break my silence. She finally figured out that game wouldn't work and just came clean. However, I have seen it before. She will behave for a couple of days and then somehow forget it ever happened and we are back to square one.

Thank you so very much for all of the advice. I feel much less trapped now. Keep it coming and I will keep you informed of how things are going.
Thanks again!
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

I agree totally that her abuse is probably a mental illness of which she has always had. Get her on meds fast. My Mother was like that also. She is now on Zoloft and Respidol and she has drastically changed for the better. She still is not social, but at least she's not so mean.
I have her in Assisted Living as I did not have room for her. She really can't afford it for long, so I will soon have to make changes on that. I'm giving her another month, hoping she will get well enough to move into a more independent area, but with nurses coming in to do meds and clean her up. She hardly eats, so I now think she is just going to get weaker, in which case I will have to put her in a nursing home. I think medicare picks up some of the costs.
You MUST NOT take that abuse, although, I'm sure you are used to it, so you need to find out why you put up with it. She is miserable, but drugs will help, and if not, get help for you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I am so sorry for you-as the others have said -this is not working-you are doing all you can and she is still not happy she has a sense of entitlement-use her money for in home care or a live in-you need to let her know you can no longer do this and call social service-you could give her a choice of placement or full time care where you will only be a visitor-let us know how it goes-many other have the same situation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

What you are doing is admirable, but it is not working for you, your mother, and most importantly, YOUR family. I promised my father that I would care for my mother. She has mean days and sweet, kind days. You seem to have nothing but abuse. Verbal abuse over a long period can alter your personality and perception of reality. If I find myself in your shoes, I will not allow my family to be without me. If my mother cannot live with us, then I will have to make some decisions.. If she is mean all of the time, I will not tolerate it and she will be in a nursing home. She is always nicer to others, anyway. Happiness does not seem to be a factor in your situation in regards to your mother. Start walking away when she is verbally abusive and tell her you will come back later when she can be at least courteous. Find a caregiver to allow you to be with your family some. Otherwise, you really do need to look at options. We get to stay in our homes as we age because we do our part to make the situation work. Your mother seems to have forgotten that other people have rights. Please remind her of her options. It might shock her into some semblance of courtesy. I am so sorry you are going through this. Rebecca
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This is a case of the tail wagging the dog. Put her in a home and move on with your life. She is just not nice and is happy punishing you for whatever reasons she manifests in her mind. Don't do this anymore. And remember you have a wife to think about, don't let her destroy that too.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

Only1, I feel your misery. AND your sense of obligation. Please listen to what you are reading here, and find ways to let it go. You will never make her happy. She will be exactly as UNHAPPY as she is, whether you do everything perfectly, or whether she is moved to a skilled nursing facility, or whether she gets full-time, in home care NOT PROVIDED BY YOU. You cannot earn "good child" points here, much as a younger part of you wants to. You cannot love your Dad more, or honor him more, by continuing down this path.
We all want lots of things in life -- and in death. What she wants in her death is what she wants in life: to maintain intense control over you and anything else she can control, because so much else is slipping away. That's just the way it is. It was said above: What you are doing isn't working. It isn't going to work.
A last ditch suggestion is to find out if you can get her doc to prescribe a small dose or seroquil or haldol or some other anti-psychotic meds. They will tell you there is a black box warning and it's not appropriate. But it's the standard of care in SMALL DOSES and it could help her be less combative till you are able to step back and see that your true obligation is to your family next door. And to yourself. There is already a part of your being that KNOWS it's time to let others, non-family members, step in and take care of her, and it's willing to inform the rest of you of that right now. Let it do so with grace and ease, right now.
Good luck to you. She will be as fine as she can be. It will not be your picture of "fine" but it will BE fine.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

There is no large inheritance at stake just a huge sense of obligation. I haven't put her in a NH because she wants to die in her house. She is tired of doctors and surgeries. My dad died of cancer even though they were doing all they could. She doesn't want to die with tubes and machines all around her. She wants to die in the house my dad built her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree with ladeeda. You just can't live like this anymore.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Lord have mercy, any one living under the conditions you describe would be hanging on by a thread.... sorry, but I would either get her 24 hour care if she can afford it, or place her in a NH.... what is she going to do, get angry and tell lies about you??? She does that now.... so what will change... nothing... except you will get your life back and your family... your wife must be a saint to put up with this arrangement.....
I have nothing but praise for your attempt to keep your word to your dad, but as jeanne said, there are many ways for you to be true to your word without killling yourself.... search out resources and get out of there.... please let us know that you are following thru with this and that you are ok.... I commend you for your sacrfices, but it is time for a serious change.... prayers for you....
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

And you put up with this garbage because ....? Oh yeah, you promised your dad.

Your wife and family put up with seeing you in 15-minute increments because ...? That's one I can't figure out.

Is there a large estate to inherit? I'm sorry, but I'm reaching for reasons and having a tough time with it.

When you promised Dad that you would take care of Mom, did that really mean you would physically live with her, spend every night with her, and basically forsake your wife? You need to see that she is cared for. You need to ensure that she has food and shelter and nursing help, physical therapy, whatever services she requires. It sounds like you are doing that just fine. If she needs 24/7 supervision, either more in-home services are needed or it is time to consider a long term care facility where they have sufficient staff trained to handle difficult elders, nobody works 24 hours, everybody gets reasonable breaks, and workers have a life outside of the care center.

I truly feel sorry for your mom. She is in constant pain, she has chronic conditions that she knows will not get better. She has been abandoned by 7 of her children (or rather she has alienated them, but that won't be how she sees it.) Hers is a sad life. My heart goes out to her. So should yours, and it sounds like it does. But from what you have written it is absolutely clear that sacrificing your family, your freedom, and your sanity is not helping her be a happier person at all.

What you are doing is not working. Continuing to do it and expecting different results is not realistic. Quit barely hanging on. Make changes and get yourself out of this intolerable situation. Honor the promise to your father and your duty to your mother, but figure out how to do it without throwing yourself away. You are way too valuable for that.
Helpful Answer (30)
Report

1 2 3 4
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter