I am one of eight children. My mother is 86, wheel chair bound and needs care minute by minute. None of my siblings will help take care of her because they have all had enough of her abuse over their lifetimes. I promised my father, over 20 years ago, on his death bed, that I would care for her.
I built a house directly behind her house with a breezeway that connects the two so that I can live with her and still be near my wife and family. I have been living with her and taking care of all her medical, financial and physical needs for over a year now. However, my family is not allowed in her house and she gets infuriated when I visit them even though I rarely stay for more than 15 minutes at a time and make sure she has everything she needs before I go.
She has always been just plain mean, but recently it is more like evil. She contradicts everything I say. She accuses me of stealing meaningless things that she has either hid or forgotten that she had packed it away and had it put in the attic. She hides her purse somewhere different everyday and then when she can't remember where she hid it, even accuses me of stealing it. She is constantly calling me a liar.
I cant wash the dishes right, do laundry right, make her bed right, fix her hair right and I have been doing these things for over a year. I am not allowed to watch her TV, answer her phone, etc.
She has appointed me power of attourney over finance and medical. She has had her will done and has named me executor. She has changed all life insurance policy beneficiary recipients to me to distribute. Now that she has done all that she says she is relieved because she know I am the only one that has or will take care her outstanding bills.
Now her view has changed and she is saying I got what I wanted and now I am acting like she doesn't matter. She even said "To hell with me now, you dont take care of me anymore now that I put you in charge."
Nothing about my routine has changed. She is getting excellent care. I have a nurse that checks on her every week. I have a physical therapist that comes twice a week to work with her. I have a woman that comes every other day to bathe her. I get up with her 3 and 4 times a night to get her to the bathroom or clean up where she has messed the bed, rearrange her pillows to make her more comfortable or massage her feet because they hurt and are keeping her awake.
I feed her 3 times a day and keep snacks available nearby. I give her her medicine in the morning and as needed throughout the day.
She swears I am trying to kill her by laying her pills out and not putting them in front of the bottle they came out of so now I do that. She is constantly carrying medicine bottles around the house in her wheelchair and then losing them throughout the house which causes yet another hunt of the whole house.
She is in chronic pain. She has ticdeloria, arthritis, is diabetic and steadily loosing weight. The further away I am in the house, the louder she wails and cries. If I leave the room to go to the bathroom, even if she has been fine all day, she will begin wailing and crying until I come back. She pulls at her hair and throws fits like a child if she even suspects I might go see my wife for a minute.
Thing is, she is sharp as a tack. She does not have dementia and is playing these games as if she gets satisfaction from the turmoil it causes me. She is mad that I am the only child that will have anything to do with her. I have 5 sisters and there were 3 of us boys and I am the only one. They dont call for birthdays or holidays, may show up once or twice a year out of the blue and cant get out of there fast enough once they get here.
She treats me and talks to me like a dog. She talks to other people about me like a dog. She tells them I am not taking care of her, that I am never there, that I dont feed her or give her the proper medicine and I am right in the next room when she is telling it and can hear it all.
I am at my whits end. She throws things at me and screams at me and when I try to calm her down she just gets madder. Please help with some advice that will help me keep my sanity. I am just barely hanging on. Thx.
And you are not obligated to read years worth of old posts to help the new poster.
(This is just how I approach old posts.)
We, as caring people, may be interested to know what is happening today, or perhaps start a new thread more relevant to the same issue today?
Not sure how this works if the person asking has moved on or found a solution
that could have been shared. Myself, I try to answer the original asker, to help that person, but this requires reading 76 posts, all with caring people putting themselves out there, for 3 1/2 years?
So you made a promise to your Dad....is that MORE important than the one you made to your wife and children? Do you think your Dad would want you to forsake all others BUT your Mom? I'm guessing he wouldn't.
About 50% of caregivers are over the age of 50 - the age where they should be making the most money they ever will or about to take retirement.
Of those caring for someone aged 50+, the average age of caregivers is between 50-64.
Caregivers over age 55 put in avg 30+ hours a week. This means there is a significant group who put in a lot more than 30 hours a week. The number of hours dedicated to caregiving increases with the age of the caregiver. So when you're 75 you're going to be doing MORE caregiving each week than when you were 65.
Of those caring for someone aged 65+, the average age is 63 years with one third of these caregivers in fair to poor health. If the average is 63, a significant portion of the people are OVER age 63.
The percentage of caregivers caring for individuals over 85 years of age has increased across all three of the national surveys of informal caregivers conducted by National Alliance for Caregiving in the U.S. and AARP, in 1997, 2004, 2009.
Parent care continues to be the primary caregiving situation for mid-life caregivers with 70% of the caregivers between the ages of 50 and 64.
67% of caregivers provided for someone age 75 or older.
Caregivers who care for a loved one with emotional or mental health issues are more likely to have made work accommodations (77% vs. 67% of those caring for someone with no emotional or mental health issues.
Even with all these caregiving hours, people are still trying to hold down jobs at the same time:
•More than one in six Americans working full or part time report assisting with the care of an elderly or disabled family member, relative, or friend. Caregivers working at least 15 hours per week said it significantly affected their worklife.
•Among working caregivers caring for a family member or friend, 69% report having to rearrange their work schedule, decrease their hours or take an unpaid leave in order to meet their caregiving responsibilities.
•Caregivers suffer loss of wages, health insurance and other job benefits, retirement saving or investing, and Social Security benefits-- losses that hold serious consequences for the "career caregiver." A reported 37% of caregivers quit their jobs or reduced their work hours to care for someone 50+ in 2007.
•10 million caregivers over 50 who care for their parents lose an estimated $3 trillion in lost wages, pensions, retirement funds and benefits. The total costs are higher for women who lose an estimated $324,044 due to caregiving, compared to men at $283,716. Lost wages for women who leave the work force early because of caregiving responsibilities equals $142,693, and for lost Social Security benefits an estimated $131,351, and pensions an estimated $50,000.
Predominately single women caring for their elderly parents are 2.5 times more likely than non-caregivers to live in poverty in old-age.
•In 2010, 14.9 million families and other unpaid caregivers of people with Alzheimer's disease and other dementias provided about 17 billion hours of unpaid care. This represents an average of 21.9 hours of caregiving per week, or 1,139 hours of care per caregiver valued annually at $11.93 per hour- an estimated $202.6 billion in 2010.
Alzheimer's and dementia caregivers, provide care on average one to four years more than caregivers caring for someone with an illness other than Alzheimer's disease (43% vs. 33%). They are also more likely to be providing care for five years or longer (32% vs. 28%).
17% of caregivers feel their health in general has gotten worse as a result of their caregiving responsibilities.
•Those who are more likely to rate physical strain of caregiving "high" are female (17% vs. 10% males) and older (21% are 65+ vs. 11% at 18-49). They have lower incomes (19% vs. 11% of those with an annual income of $50,000+), a higher level of burden (31% vs. 9%, of those with a moderate level of burden and 5% of those with a low level), and are living with their care recipient (29% vs. 11% who don't live together).
Caregivers who work full-time say they suffer from poorer physical health than their non-caregiving counterparts. 16% of caregivers working full-time have a Physical Health Index (PHI) score of 77.4%, which is significantly lower than 83.0% for non-caregivers
Caring for persons with dementia is reported to impact a person's immune system for up to 3 years after their caregiving experience ends, thus increasing their chances of developing a chronic illness themselves.
40% to 70% of family caregivers have clinically significant symptoms of depression with about a quarter to half of these caregivers meeting the diagnostic criteria for major depression.
There are an estimated 641,000 adults aged 60 and older with intellectual (mental retardation) and other disabilities. One age-related concern is providing support to the family caregivers who themselves are experiencing diminished capacity.
•One in five caregivers report having had training (19%) but seek additional resources. 78% report needing more help and information with at least 14 specific topics related to caregiving. Caregivers in high burden situations are more likely to seek help (83% vs. 73% of low burden caregivers). The top three topics of concern to caregivers are: keeping their loved one safe (37%); managing their own stress (34%); finding easy activities to do with their care recipient (34%); and finding time for themselves.
•9 in 10 (96%) of caregivers of veterans are female and 70% provide care to their spouse or partner. 30% of veterans caregivers care for a duration of 10 years or more as compared to 15% of caregivers nationally. 88% report increased stress or anxiety as a result of caregiving, and 77% state sleep deprivation as an issue.
This information is from https://caregiver.org/selected-caregiver-statistics.
There is no cheap way out. The house won't be left to the kids. No arguments.
How about elderly housing, independent living. It sounds more like a co- dependency issue than a matter of well being. Be innovative and do not be afraid to tell Mom or Dad, can't do it. We have to hire someone. If they have no money there are services that are free. Most are afraid of what will other people think. Be true to yourself. I read stories form some very resentful people. Spare your parent.
And, yes, these children are ravaged by unmerited guilt, heaped upon them by the elder, sometimes by siblings, sometimes just by society in general and sometimes by people who simply state that assisted living facilities and nursing homes are for people whose families don't love them.
It sounds like you have some personal pain around aging and care, and I'm very sorry for what you're going through. But, being judgmental is simply not kosher on this site, even if you completely disagree with someone.
For many people, this site is literally the ONLY place to be candid, honest, and work through the very difficult crosses there are to bear. We don't lash out here.
You are certainly welcome to discuss what is really bothering you and how you feel about it, without criticizing other site members.
My mother was abusive and I respect her by putting her in a care facility where there are people who can physically deal with her violence, her combativeness, her psychosis, her physical needs, her medical needs, and her social needs. She is safe from the world and herself. There is no amount of judgement from another person to make me change anything because they are not walking in my shoes.
Of course MOST parents deserve respect and gentle care. Most earned it. And no parent is perfect. You don't need to have been perfect to deserve respect (or we are all doomed). But there is a huge difference between imperfect and abusive.
My mother was one of the good ones -- one of the majority. But I don't think that people who didn't have good parents need to behave toward theirs the same way I behave toward mine. There really is such a thing as Karma, you know -- also known as reaping what you sow.
"Don't know what I would have done without your support when I was getting divorced"..
"so glad you were there to take care of the kids so I could buy my house without paying babysitting costs"..
"So grateful you took care of the dog when we went on our vacation "...
"I can never repay you for all the times you worried about me" ...
"You always treated my friends like they were family"...
On and on I can go.. I think what we deserve as elderly parents is RESPECT and do not dehumanize us as these poor souls above have. You have no idea what it is to lose a bit of yourself every day to something you can not control, old age. Every bone in your body hurts but put on a smile so the kids don't feel bad. Obviously none of you feel bad. UNGRATEFUL.
I was reminded of an annual ritual in one particular faith, where certain vows we might have made are absolved, null and void, written off. Some examples are: "I promise I'll NEVER drink AGAIN!" Or, "Please, just let me pass this test, and I'll do ANYTHING...." And, of course, a promise made with the best of intentions, with the main purpose being to comfort someone who is dying. "Yes, dad, I'll ALWAYS take care of mom, IN MY OWN HOME, NO MATTER WHAT, UNTIL SHE DIES."
Maybe it would be a comfort to you to consider that, over the eons, we humans have done things with the best of intentions, and they just don't work out. We have to change course. And I'm sure that there are many faith traditions that acknowledge this in their own way. Maybe you have someone you can speak to about this in your own spiritual community.
Think of her behavior, the lying accusing, crassness as part of an illness..."stricken with age" as they say and try not to take the attacks on you personally. Yes as it been said here it sure sounds like dementia and its almost like she cant help but treat you in this very STRESSFUL way. You have to reach out like your doing here to keep your sanity and you must get some more help to lessen the load you are now carrying................. once again God bless you in your endeavors......
For one though, perhaps handling the meds and keeping them away from her is a good idea.
Best of luck and I feel for you with her anger.
I am currently caring for a woman who has my number; she knows I am soft inside and abuses me every day.
I am told that she hates my guts, doesn't want me there, has complained to her daughter (my boss) and is just vile and cruel daily.
It is gut wrenching, All the "don't personalize it" advice does not help when someone 2 ft away from you looks you in the eye and repeats how stupid, ugly and how much she detest you on a daily basis.
In fact, I will be with her in an hour and my solar plexus is already knotting up!
I guess I have never understood the "sharp as a tack" statement when it comes to people like this...there really is such a thing as emotional intelligence, and just being conversationally coherent and aware of some degree of factual information does not mean someone's brain is functioning well.
Your father drafted you on his deathbed to be his replacement. You are not merely "taking care" of your mother, you have stepped into your father's shoes--an unnatural, unhealthy, and unproductive place for you to be (not to mention what the situation is doing to your relationships with your family and to your children's sense of self and emotional health).
What you describe proves that the arrangement is not improving your mother's state of mind, nor anyone else's. If you believe that the situation and the sacrifices, damage and pain that it entails is what your father had in mind for you (and your family), then he had no right to ask such a thing. If he loved you as a father should love his son, he would not have asked such a thing.
You seem to have conflated "taking care of" you mother and trying to please her--which I hope you see by now is impossible. Making sure she does not suffer and has her physical and medical needs met does not require you sacrificing your life. Promising to take care of your mother does not mean that *you* personally have to provide the care.
Stop throwing your life away. Your mother could go on this way for another decade. Your children would be grown and you would hardly know them. They would likely be damaged in significant ways if they are forced to adapt to the present situation as "normal." Their adult relationships will be unhealthy, and their adult relationship with you is anybody's guess. Why you would choose to spend their childhood catering to a mother who abuses you instead of being with your own children and spouse who love you and *need* your love to have emotional health will be impossible for them to understand. When they say "You weren't there for me when you knew I needed you," what will you say? You cannot fix the damage once it's done.
Every hour you spend absorbing your mother's abuse (all versions of which I'm sure you have heard dozens of times) is an hour you miss discovering, supporting, shaping, and loving the individuals your children are becoming. Your mother will never change. She will die the way she lives.
But your children, who they are, or will become, is still an open question. As their father, it is your duty to put your energies toward giving them wings and modeling a healthy adult relationship with your spouse. The damage you are doing to your marriage, I can't imagine. If you were in your wife's shoes, how long would you stay in this unhealthy (for her and the children) situation? The damage you are doing to yourself is extreme. You must put a stop to you mother's reign of terror.
She belongs in a nursing home where her abuse is directed at professionals who cannot be personally damaged by it. She will be cared for and will not be alone. Surely, that is what your father wanted. If he wanted you to sacrifice the prime of your life, you marriage, and your children's emotional health, he had no right to ask that of you and if he was any kind of father he wouldn't have.
Warm wishes,
Sunny
Check every avenue - Medicaid offers same-as-nursing-home care through their Long Term Care Waiver program. This varies by state so check your state or county Aging office. Veterans and their spouses get a small benefit to help pay for care in the home or in assisted living. There're also programs to cover LTC in a facility and a program in which they (or their rep) can, direct the care needed. Be warned all of these can take a VERY long time so work with a vet advocacy group. And getting help to relieve you of care for an abusive, narcissistic parent IS the best way to take care of both them and you because they're not allowing you to do your best by them. It's tough but it isn't forever; when it's over, you need to have the peace of mind that you really did do your best in caring for them.
I too made the same promise as you did, not to my father but to both of my parents. They took care of me when I was sick so I felt I owed it to them. I can tell you it is not worth, losing your family, losing yourself or losing the respect. What you are going through will negatively affect you, your spouse and your children and you may not know it at this moment but you will find out later, possibly when your wife is filing for divorce. Possibly when you children's grades begin to fall and they fall into depression....this affects the entire family and it does not make any difference that they are "not allowed in her house!"
This is madness and it needs to stop and you do not have to feel that you have let her down, she is SICK. You need to stop allowing her to beat you up and tread all over you. It is okay to stand up and say "Mom this isn't happening any more, you have pulled this BS long enough. I love you and I will make sure you are cared for until the day you die, but I will not allow you to stand around and verbally beat the crap out of me every single day!" Even if you do not actually say this to her it has to become your mantra.....what you live by.
I would hire a care giver and bring them in and let them know first that they are dealing with a strong willed, mean woman.....open the door and throw her in and stand back. Let her scream, she will get over it. She is use to always having her own way and uses bullying to get it.
If I was your father I would say to you, "Son I am so sorry that I asked you to make this promise to me. I had no idea that Mom would get to be this bad. You have your own wife and kids that you need to be making memories with, not becoming so stressed out by Mom and her demanding ways. I know you love Mom just as I did and I know you are a good son, therefore I am releasing you from your promise to me. Just please make sure that Mom is taken care of in a home or with and in home care giver, but son go ahead and live your life. I Love You! Dad"