I am one of eight children. My mother is 86, wheel chair bound and needs care minute by minute. None of my siblings will help take care of her because they have all had enough of her abuse over their lifetimes. I promised my father, over 20 years ago, on his death bed, that I would care for her.
I built a house directly behind her house with a breezeway that connects the two so that I can live with her and still be near my wife and family. I have been living with her and taking care of all her medical, financial and physical needs for over a year now. However, my family is not allowed in her house and she gets infuriated when I visit them even though I rarely stay for more than 15 minutes at a time and make sure she has everything she needs before I go.
She has always been just plain mean, but recently it is more like evil. She contradicts everything I say. She accuses me of stealing meaningless things that she has either hid or forgotten that she had packed it away and had it put in the attic. She hides her purse somewhere different everyday and then when she can't remember where she hid it, even accuses me of stealing it. She is constantly calling me a liar.
I cant wash the dishes right, do laundry right, make her bed right, fix her hair right and I have been doing these things for over a year. I am not allowed to watch her TV, answer her phone, etc.
She has appointed me power of attourney over finance and medical. She has had her will done and has named me executor. She has changed all life insurance policy beneficiary recipients to me to distribute. Now that she has done all that she says she is relieved because she know I am the only one that has or will take care her outstanding bills.
Now her view has changed and she is saying I got what I wanted and now I am acting like she doesn't matter. She even said "To hell with me now, you dont take care of me anymore now that I put you in charge."
Nothing about my routine has changed. She is getting excellent care. I have a nurse that checks on her every week. I have a physical therapist that comes twice a week to work with her. I have a woman that comes every other day to bathe her. I get up with her 3 and 4 times a night to get her to the bathroom or clean up where she has messed the bed, rearrange her pillows to make her more comfortable or massage her feet because they hurt and are keeping her awake.
I feed her 3 times a day and keep snacks available nearby. I give her her medicine in the morning and as needed throughout the day.
She swears I am trying to kill her by laying her pills out and not putting them in front of the bottle they came out of so now I do that. She is constantly carrying medicine bottles around the house in her wheelchair and then losing them throughout the house which causes yet another hunt of the whole house.
She is in chronic pain. She has ticdeloria, arthritis, is diabetic and steadily loosing weight. The further away I am in the house, the louder she wails and cries. If I leave the room to go to the bathroom, even if she has been fine all day, she will begin wailing and crying until I come back. She pulls at her hair and throws fits like a child if she even suspects I might go see my wife for a minute.
Thing is, she is sharp as a tack. She does not have dementia and is playing these games as if she gets satisfaction from the turmoil it causes me. She is mad that I am the only child that will have anything to do with her. I have 5 sisters and there were 3 of us boys and I am the only one. They dont call for birthdays or holidays, may show up once or twice a year out of the blue and cant get out of there fast enough once they get here.
She treats me and talks to me like a dog. She talks to other people about me like a dog. She tells them I am not taking care of her, that I am never there, that I dont feed her or give her the proper medicine and I am right in the next room when she is telling it and can hear it all.
I am at my whits end. She throws things at me and screams at me and when I try to calm her down she just gets madder. Please help with some advice that will help me keep my sanity. I am just barely hanging on. Thx.
For one though, perhaps handling the meds and keeping them away from her is a good idea.
Best of luck and I feel for you with her anger.
I am currently caring for a woman who has my number; she knows I am soft inside and abuses me every day.
I am told that she hates my guts, doesn't want me there, has complained to her daughter (my boss) and is just vile and cruel daily.
It is gut wrenching, All the "don't personalize it" advice does not help when someone 2 ft away from you looks you in the eye and repeats how stupid, ugly and how much she detest you on a daily basis.
In fact, I will be with her in an hour and my solar plexus is already knotting up!
Think of her behavior, the lying accusing, crassness as part of an illness..."stricken with age" as they say and try not to take the attacks on you personally. Yes as it been said here it sure sounds like dementia and its almost like she cant help but treat you in this very STRESSFUL way. You have to reach out like your doing here to keep your sanity and you must get some more help to lessen the load you are now carrying................. once again God bless you in your endeavors......
I was reminded of an annual ritual in one particular faith, where certain vows we might have made are absolved, null and void, written off. Some examples are: "I promise I'll NEVER drink AGAIN!" Or, "Please, just let me pass this test, and I'll do ANYTHING...." And, of course, a promise made with the best of intentions, with the main purpose being to comfort someone who is dying. "Yes, dad, I'll ALWAYS take care of mom, IN MY OWN HOME, NO MATTER WHAT, UNTIL SHE DIES."
Maybe it would be a comfort to you to consider that, over the eons, we humans have done things with the best of intentions, and they just don't work out. We have to change course. And I'm sure that there are many faith traditions that acknowledge this in their own way. Maybe you have someone you can speak to about this in your own spiritual community.
"Don't know what I would have done without your support when I was getting divorced"..
"so glad you were there to take care of the kids so I could buy my house without paying babysitting costs"..
"So grateful you took care of the dog when we went on our vacation "...
"I can never repay you for all the times you worried about me" ...
"You always treated my friends like they were family"...
On and on I can go.. I think what we deserve as elderly parents is RESPECT and do not dehumanize us as these poor souls above have. You have no idea what it is to lose a bit of yourself every day to something you can not control, old age. Every bone in your body hurts but put on a smile so the kids don't feel bad. Obviously none of you feel bad. UNGRATEFUL.
Of course MOST parents deserve respect and gentle care. Most earned it. And no parent is perfect. You don't need to have been perfect to deserve respect (or we are all doomed). But there is a huge difference between imperfect and abusive.
My mother was one of the good ones -- one of the majority. But I don't think that people who didn't have good parents need to behave toward theirs the same way I behave toward mine. There really is such a thing as Karma, you know -- also known as reaping what you sow.
It sounds like you have some personal pain around aging and care, and I'm very sorry for what you're going through. But, being judgmental is simply not kosher on this site, even if you completely disagree with someone.
For many people, this site is literally the ONLY place to be candid, honest, and work through the very difficult crosses there are to bear. We don't lash out here.
You are certainly welcome to discuss what is really bothering you and how you feel about it, without criticizing other site members.
My mother was abusive and I respect her by putting her in a care facility where there are people who can physically deal with her violence, her combativeness, her psychosis, her physical needs, her medical needs, and her social needs. She is safe from the world and herself. There is no amount of judgement from another person to make me change anything because they are not walking in my shoes.
And, yes, these children are ravaged by unmerited guilt, heaped upon them by the elder, sometimes by siblings, sometimes just by society in general and sometimes by people who simply state that assisted living facilities and nursing homes are for people whose families don't love them.
There is no cheap way out. The house won't be left to the kids. No arguments.
How about elderly housing, independent living. It sounds more like a co- dependency issue than a matter of well being. Be innovative and do not be afraid to tell Mom or Dad, can't do it. We have to hire someone. If they have no money there are services that are free. Most are afraid of what will other people think. Be true to yourself. I read stories form some very resentful people. Spare your parent.
About 50% of caregivers are over the age of 50 - the age where they should be making the most money they ever will or about to take retirement.
Of those caring for someone aged 50+, the average age of caregivers is between 50-64.
Caregivers over age 55 put in avg 30+ hours a week. This means there is a significant group who put in a lot more than 30 hours a week. The number of hours dedicated to caregiving increases with the age of the caregiver. So when you're 75 you're going to be doing MORE caregiving each week than when you were 65.
Of those caring for someone aged 65+, the average age is 63 years with one third of these caregivers in fair to poor health. If the average is 63, a significant portion of the people are OVER age 63.
The percentage of caregivers caring for individuals over 85 years of age has increased across all three of the national surveys of informal caregivers conducted by National Alliance for Caregiving in the U.S. and AARP, in 1997, 2004, 2009.
Parent care continues to be the primary caregiving situation for mid-life caregivers with 70% of the caregivers between the ages of 50 and 64.
67% of caregivers provided for someone age 75 or older.
Caregivers who care for a loved one with emotional or mental health issues are more likely to have made work accommodations (77% vs. 67% of those caring for someone with no emotional or mental health issues.
Even with all these caregiving hours, people are still trying to hold down jobs at the same time:
•More than one in six Americans working full or part time report assisting with the care of an elderly or disabled family member, relative, or friend. Caregivers working at least 15 hours per week said it significantly affected their worklife.
•Among working caregivers caring for a family member or friend, 69% report having to rearrange their work schedule, decrease their hours or take an unpaid leave in order to meet their caregiving responsibilities.
•Caregivers suffer loss of wages, health insurance and other job benefits, retirement saving or investing, and Social Security benefits-- losses that hold serious consequences for the "career caregiver." A reported 37% of caregivers quit their jobs or reduced their work hours to care for someone 50+ in 2007.
•10 million caregivers over 50 who care for their parents lose an estimated $3 trillion in lost wages, pensions, retirement funds and benefits. The total costs are higher for women who lose an estimated $324,044 due to caregiving, compared to men at $283,716. Lost wages for women who leave the work force early because of caregiving responsibilities equals $142,693, and for lost Social Security benefits an estimated $131,351, and pensions an estimated $50,000.
Predominately single women caring for their elderly parents are 2.5 times more likely than non-caregivers to live in poverty in old-age.
•In 2010, 14.9 million families and other unpaid caregivers of people with Alzheimer's disease and other dementias provided about 17 billion hours of unpaid care. This represents an average of 21.9 hours of caregiving per week, or 1,139 hours of care per caregiver valued annually at $11.93 per hour- an estimated $202.6 billion in 2010.
Alzheimer's and dementia caregivers, provide care on average one to four years more than caregivers caring for someone with an illness other than Alzheimer's disease (43% vs. 33%). They are also more likely to be providing care for five years or longer (32% vs. 28%).
17% of caregivers feel their health in general has gotten worse as a result of their caregiving responsibilities.
•Those who are more likely to rate physical strain of caregiving "high" are female (17% vs. 10% males) and older (21% are 65+ vs. 11% at 18-49). They have lower incomes (19% vs. 11% of those with an annual income of $50,000+), a higher level of burden (31% vs. 9%, of those with a moderate level of burden and 5% of those with a low level), and are living with their care recipient (29% vs. 11% who don't live together).
Caregivers who work full-time say they suffer from poorer physical health than their non-caregiving counterparts. 16% of caregivers working full-time have a Physical Health Index (PHI) score of 77.4%, which is significantly lower than 83.0% for non-caregivers
Caring for persons with dementia is reported to impact a person's immune system for up to 3 years after their caregiving experience ends, thus increasing their chances of developing a chronic illness themselves.
40% to 70% of family caregivers have clinically significant symptoms of depression with about a quarter to half of these caregivers meeting the diagnostic criteria for major depression.
There are an estimated 641,000 adults aged 60 and older with intellectual (mental retardation) and other disabilities. One age-related concern is providing support to the family caregivers who themselves are experiencing diminished capacity.
•One in five caregivers report having had training (19%) but seek additional resources. 78% report needing more help and information with at least 14 specific topics related to caregiving. Caregivers in high burden situations are more likely to seek help (83% vs. 73% of low burden caregivers). The top three topics of concern to caregivers are: keeping their loved one safe (37%); managing their own stress (34%); finding easy activities to do with their care recipient (34%); and finding time for themselves.
•9 in 10 (96%) of caregivers of veterans are female and 70% provide care to their spouse or partner. 30% of veterans caregivers care for a duration of 10 years or more as compared to 15% of caregivers nationally. 88% report increased stress or anxiety as a result of caregiving, and 77% state sleep deprivation as an issue.
This information is from https://caregiver.org/selected-caregiver-statistics.
So you made a promise to your Dad....is that MORE important than the one you made to your wife and children? Do you think your Dad would want you to forsake all others BUT your Mom? I'm guessing he wouldn't.
We, as caring people, may be interested to know what is happening today, or perhaps start a new thread more relevant to the same issue today?
Not sure how this works if the person asking has moved on or found a solution
that could have been shared. Myself, I try to answer the original asker, to help that person, but this requires reading 76 posts, all with caring people putting themselves out there, for 3 1/2 years?
And you are not obligated to read years worth of old posts to help the new poster.
(This is just how I approach old posts.)
You've known that your mother is a mean person. This is not new. Health problems very seldom improve a person's personality. So why did you let this nasty, mean, and suspicious person move into your house and disrupt your sleep and take over the kitchen?
Alzheimer's with psychotic episodes is not for amateurs to deal with. What made you think you could do it?
I've heard lots of different reasons on this site. "Obligation," "Guilt," "To be sure I inherit" -- and a lot of "I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing at the time."
If you can tell us what you were trying to achieve by moving her in, perhaps someone has suggestions about how best to achieve that without putting your family through this stress.
She was involved with us growing up but it usually involved creating a tremendous amount of chaos. So much so that we eventually became estranged. She has been terribly viscous to my father and I and extended her venom to our children on many occasions. The only one of her children she seemed to care for and dote on was my other brother who systematically abused & financially exploited her.
Now that she is elderly, sick, frail, and penniless this dirtbag moved out of state called us to step in and threatened U.S. With elderly affairs which I had already been calling for multiple years. It is a very strange position to be in to be caring for someone who was never emotionally there as a parent and was often abusive. We had to place her in long term care. While going through her belongings I found pictures of myself and my kids that I had sent over the years with some of the most terrible things written on the back of them u my mother. She has said some of the most horrible things about her own grandchildren, it is painfully sad as my dad who I was close to, passed when my daughter was 18 months old and before my son was born. I know that he would have loved to have been able to be involved with them it my mother has always been too bitter to put her own issues aside and therefore lost out on so much.
So the only thing I can say to you is this. I take care of my mother not out of love, that would be ridiculous, but out of compassion. I try to keep in mind that my mother was never fully healthy. She has been dealing with undiagnosed mental disorders for decades that have left her incapable of being kind and loving to her children. When the end comes I will rest easy knowing that I did all I could for s woman who could not do for herself and could never be the mother she should have been to her children.
Thank you for those kind words. They are appreciated.
God Bless and Good Luck!
I realized this (finally) after a lot of decades of self-torture and trying to do something - anything - to make my mother say "good job". It's never going to happen, so I had to get on with the life I wanted. Moving far away was a key element in learning to be me and please me.
Ultimately, she could not be alone safely anymore, so we had to intervene and take steps. Mom's been in my home, in an independent living apartment, skilled nursing, secure dementia care, and now hospice. My only goals for her were safety from herself and the world, and a quality of life that was impossible were she to stay on her own. And it happened. It involved a couple hospitalizations where she got the geriatric psych care she needed for years.
Nowdays the goal is just comfort. I can sleep at night knowing that I took care of what she needed, even if she didn't like it. She was safe, clean, fed, got medical and psychiatric care better than she'd had before ever, and was living in the nicest place she ever had been in.
That would not have been possible if I had left her in place.