How to handle the stress of my divorced parents in assisted living?

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....just when I think I'm doing better as far as not trying to "help" my parents so much.
Seems like every day there's something I have to think about that each one of them need or want, doctors appointments for both of them constantly. Both had mild strokes last summer, dad has uncontrolled diabetes, diabetic retinopathy and neuropathy in the feet. Mom is really a joy to be around but my dad and I have some dysfunction of sort. I'm constantly looking at my calendar to see which one has an appointment where that day. I thought I was doing pretty good with my stress level until today when a friend of my dad's told me that my dad told him my mom is getting on his nerves. they have been divorced for 42 years and avoided each other the whole time until they both ended up in the same assisted-living. Mom felt sorry for me and wanted to help me out with my dad as far as little things that she could do there to help him with. She made sure he had oranges peeled for his snacks so his diabetes stays level etc. etc. Dad will be moving back home soon ( and I have been given tons of advice here to NOT let that happen, I AGREE)... we will be neighbors again :-(
Doctors, nurses say he has that right to choose if he wants to come back home or not, they agree he's better off at assisted-living but they can't make him stay and he has not been declared incompetent or a danger to himself.
It's been an absolutely beautiful day today after many days of rain, normally I would be in my garden thoroughly enjoying myself but I haven't got a d*mn thing done all day. I haven't been this stressed for several months, had two naps already today. After his friend just told me that my mom is getting on his nerves it really p*ssed me off so I'm going to tell her to quit helping him. The things my dad put her through that caused the divorce I wouldn't even look him in the eye...SHE was HELPING ME by HELPING HIM!!! I didn't want her to and only told her OK if it didn't bother her, she seem to be happy by being needed.
Some of you know my story here, and I really thought I had this problem with my dad not moving home nipped in the butt. He told his friend he's moving home this weekend and who do you suppose is going to help him move ? I am his POA and I don't even want to be around him right now let alone making sure he's OK every day down there at his "cabin"
He will be getting Help At Home again but that won't kick in until he's living at the residence. Grrrrr!


My husband and I are expecting our first grandbaby in December which is been the greatest joy in our lives and that's all I want to think about right now...just having a hard time this week...angry cause I got to tend to two aging feeling parents who can act like children


I guess I need more advice on how to back off more or learn how to care less I don't know

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After I posted yesterday and I read your responses...helped me get out of some of my yuckiness but I did attack several of my gardens and made them look prettier. Then when husband got home he got an earful, again, he just stood there with so much patience listening to me, and says I am just not going to worry about that if he comes home, will take it a day at a time,  we'll pretty much let him make his own choices regarding his life and health just like he did before which landed him in the predicament that he got in. SO,  today I'm trying to block it out and remember what husband always says, "every day it changes"! I said, "OK, positive paul, I'm gonna grow a pair of balls like you"

The thing is, I read here every day about everyone's experiences and what is coming down the road with all this, with both parents, so yes I do worry and I feel like I need to plan! Husband is owner of a construction company and his day changes every day, high stress, millions of phone calls and arguments every day and he loves it all, I am the opposite!  I've been lucky to be able to stay home and hold down the fort for many years...I tried to take on his mentality of taking a day at a time and most of the time it works but in the back of my head I'm always bracing myself for the next thing.
Anyway, today, I'm back in the garden, a little happier and less stressed. Clark my beautiful, vocal rooster and his 2 hens are pleased with my better mood. Hearing crickets frogs n birds is what's only allowed in my head today...AND of course our grand baby that's only 1o weeks in the oven 💜  The ultrasound this week showed baby rubbing its feet together !
Umm, Maybe now and then thinking about this "non-move" but my lovely shovel is by my side to help chop bad thoughts! And you my friends...
Thank you so much for your support and care 😊
Bella~~(that's Bella, the queen, in my profile picture)
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Thanks for the update, Bella. Hope this "non-move" goes okay!
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That's the only AL close. When Dad does mention coming home to us we say yeah you need to get better first and change the subject. Since February he's been healing up from a bad foot ulcer.
We've been stalling for several months now but now that the foot is healed he thinks he's already to go.
In the last couple of months he has fell three times with no injuries. I spoke with the nurse at assisted-living today and she said he's telling people there that he's moving home this weekend. I asked her again about his safety, and all she's worried about is him getting his meals regularly and injecting his insulin without assistance that he is getting there now.
I'm sure my husband will help him move in spite of how I'm feeling about it. Hes been very supportive of me and with helping both of my parents this past year monetarily although they are both on Medicaid. There's been lots of things that they have needed but can't afford and yes I know from reading here that we shouldn't have done that. Mom has been my anchor throughout the years, now I'm hers, and I'm OK with that. My parents have two different personalities, they are like night and day.
I made it clear to mom to discontinue helping dad out explaining that he needs to not be enabled by us, the girls at AL can help him.
And NO, I will not be "available" for this INSANE move! 😜
Also I tell whoever wants to listen that dad needs to stay put for his own good and that I'm not capable to be his caregiver, even though I know I'll have to do some of it. I don't even know how many hours he can get with help at home yet!

Thanks friends for your input!!
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Who is going to help move your dad if you don't?

If that sound you hear is nothing but crickets- problem solved. Okay - not really but wouldn't it be nice?

Regardless- do not help to move your dad. Go on record to anyone and everyone who mentions it to you. You don't think it's safe. You are not able to provide him with the care he needs.

Now - go to the beach for a week.
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I would not lift one finger to facilitate this insane move.

I would be out of town this weekend.
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Has your Dad mentioned the move? If he hasn't asked you to make it happen, DON'T. STALL. You seem to have a better relationship with your Mom, urge her to disassociate herself from Dad. Is there another assisted living facility in your area that one of them can move to? Despite it being two different places, at least you would know each of them were taken care of.
If Dad does wind up 'in the cabin' arrange for caregivers, etc. And then (as you already know) you must back off and let things evolve. Good luck, I hope others have more specific ideas for you to consider.
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