How do you handle a parent who refuses assisted living even though it is in their best interest?

NEW:

Let's put the shoe on the other foot ... yours. How would you feel if someone snatched you away from the people, places, and things you've always known? Taken out like trash to another "home" where probably the best you can do is commiserate with others about their shadow families and sing along to "The Way We Were"?

My mother refuses it. So, we (siblings and I) have told her that we can no longer be at her call. She has had to take some of her money set aside for shopping and hair cuts and now pay for the senior taxi service and for a lawn care guy. I thought it would make her change her mind, but no. She balked at first, but when the neighbors complained about the state of her front yard, she had no choice. My son was off to college and could no longer do it for her. Her hair is long and completely white now and she pins it up. I still worry about her living alone, but she is stubborn.

hey ed why don't you fall off that high horse of yours. If you cannot answer the question without adding guilt to what is already a tough situation, then maybe it would be best if you just stayed silent. Have seen many of your responses to questions and find you judgemental, nasty and a know it all. Maybe you are a supreme being while the rest of us are just trying to get by and keep calm. I find you insulting.
As for your question New i don't know, I have a feeling I may be in the same situation soon, as it is becoming harder and harder to keep Mom at my home. So I am sorry no words of wisdom but good luck.

I agree with mariannette. Research the home care health idea and housekeeping aides. Contact your local "Council on Aging" program usually run by your county - they can assist you in finding suitable assistance. Why are they refusing assisted living? I found that many elderly refuse it because they think of it as a "old folks home" like years and years ago. I think they would be pleasantly surprised to visit one. You might want to arrange with some local assisted living facilities to bring your parent in - they will give you a tour and usually provide a lunch. You would be surprised how many people change their mind when they see an assisted living facility - it's not at all what they expected. Many are absolutely beautiful and they have many activities going on. Once they see what it actually is they may decide they like that option. My mom actually wanted to move to an assisted living - not for the activities - she basically just wanted to sit around AND BE CATERED TO! She loved the idea of someone preparing meals and her just going to the table to eat, no cleanup, no cleaning of her room (some have small apts.), and someone to always talk to. My mom visited some and in every one she found someone she knew. A visit may help. If not speak to your pastor and your parents doctors who may be able to assist you. Good luck.

New~ check out the following: ELDERCARE 911, The Caregivers Complete Handbook for Making Decisions on Eldercare ---by typing it in on your browser. You may find this a useful tool in your particular situation. I also was caught up in this scenereo-fortunately the docor I had for-Mom was the one who advocated AL to her-to which she had listened. I refered AL-as a nearby like-resident hotel-where all her necessary needs would be met-She adapted rather quickly. It sure took a lot of unsuridness off of my mind-knowing she was in a safe environment...It is a Win Win situation.
Best to you on your caregiving journey,
Hap

to luvmom - what works in your situation is best for you - but before you pass judgement on anyone else that makes a different choice please remember everyone is dealing with different circumstances. You say "we are doing it". You are lucky to have someone to help and support you. Some families only have one other person who is probably still working full time. In my case, my parents (84 and 87) and I are separated by 500 miles and I am their only living child. My husband & I have asked them to move in with us many times. They refuse to leave their home and they don't like strangers coming in. They live in a rural area and are no longer able to drive. My mother's health is failing and my father is 90% blind and has mobility problems. Recently, my mom fell in the bathroom and my dad could not help her up. He had to call 911 and my mom spent 10 days in the hospital while he was home alone. They both have signs of short term memory loss. For their own health and safety they would both be better off in assisted living.

I just love it how luvmom and ed are so rightous. Good for you. Everyone's situation is completely different. Try having a verbally combative father, whose 200+ pound body is paralyzed from the waist down, who does not follow doctors' advice thereby worsening his condition, who sabotages everything you try to do and who fights you when you try every angle to be helpful for 2 and a half years. Add to that he is 3 times divorced (see a pattern?), has no friends and no other family members in this state and would love nothing more than my husband not being in the picture.... Oh yeah did I mention I am an only child? Gee Ed and luvmom, would you like your marriage to end in divorce to take care of a lying and manipulating dad who does not care to help himself but rather just dump on you and take his life's frustrations out on the big bulleye on your face? Just wondered what you would do - walk a mile in my shoes please....

Just a couple thoughts....If you can't get her to agree, try getting someone else in authority involved, a 3rd party. When my Step-Dad tried to take away my Mom's car (she had Alzeheimers), he had her doctor write a note to her that said that she could no longer drive; of course he didn't have the authority to take away her license, but she didn't know that and complied and Bill was no longer the enemy.

In our town in Florida, there is a program at the Sheriff's Office that, when asked, are called in to do an assessment. Here, that can be done even by a neighbor. They will assess the situation and then call in the family to advise what needs to be done. Sometimes, it's as simple as the SARA program (Seniors At Risk Association), right here in the Sheriff's Office that, upon the agreement of the person, is visited a couple times a month to see how they are doing....or get the monitor that they can push if they fall down....or advise that they be put in assisted living.

With the assessment of someone in greater authority (as far as your mother's point of view) you will feel more confident that this is the right thing and have someone else to "blame" and she may comply.

The ALF that my mom is in offers a trial of up to 30 days to decide if you like living in their facility. (Mom had to pay the daily rate but not the admissions fee). After less than 2 weeks, mom said she definitely wanted to live there, which we arranged. Unfortunately, as her early dementia worsens, she forgets the reasons she wanted to move out of her home---the lonliness(even though she had aides and family who visited and attended a day care facility) she would get severe anxiety attacks in which she thought she was dying. Her dementia in the past 9 months has gotten a lot worse and she is physically weaker. When mom talks about moving back to her house if it doesn't sell (it's for sale but houses aren't selling now!) I gently remind her of why she wanted to leave her house.

Most of us do better at home no matter how old we are. Often medicare will pay for home health care and there are alot of things available now... We have an aging population and so Area Agencies on Aging are across the country. Find the one in your community and let them help you. Your loved one could get home delivered meals and someone to do some housecleaning. If an elder is NOT safe alone, that is another issue completely. Please remember to treat your loved one kindly and with dignity, they deserve that!!!