Just to be clear, my mother is in a nursing home and I am depressed. It's been over 2 years. Two years of my mom getting her clothing stolen, two years of me washing her feet because the twice weekly showers are not thorough enough. Two years of dealing with mean people in power and being afraid to fight back because I fear retribution. Two years of being disrespected by staff and disregarded by administration. Two years of putting up with stupidity. For example, when my mom got dark spots under her eyes above her cheeks from dehydration, the nurse said I was just complaining because I want my mother to still be pretty. When mom had some sort of sore or blister on her upper lip and I had to bring it to their attention, instead of the other way around, they blew it off and said , "maybe she bit her lip." I just wanted to explode and say, "She has no damn teeth opposing that part of her lip because you never brush them!!!" (Did I mention that dental care is nom-existent except for what I do?) Two years of having my quiet, reasonable requests met with such retribution, such onslaught. And worse, people who clearly don't get it, making flippant, stupid comments like, "why don't you just move her?" They don't understand all these places are the same. They don't understand that you can't just find a great place and enroll your parent; the nursing home has to *accept you! Good luck if you are already on Medicaid. Also, after a certain point in Alzheimer's, moving the person could be fatal. I can't explain why, but it's true. I don't have the energy to prove that to anyone, but my mother's environment can't change. When it did for a short time, twice, she was almost instantly at end of life. I know because I've seen a lot of ppl at end of life. Point is, I am in so much pain, and yet so numb. If feel almost helpless, like in those dreams where no matter how hard you try, your body is to heavy for you to move. I have been abused by the ppl at the nursing home and limited in the way I can fight back. Believe me, I talked to the social worker, to department heads; I even talked to the CEO. When things got unacceptable, I called the ombudsman and the state. Guess what? They're all in bed with each other. And yes, of course, I've talked directly to the aides, even kissed their rear ends, hoping to get a little better treatment for my mother. (And believe it or not, my mother is on one of the better facilities in our area. I know this because I have toured 17. Some several times.) I find myself wanting to stay away. I hate that place. Yet, they have my mother and I love her more than anything. Add to this watching my mother's decline due to Alzheimer's. Would you believe I have at times been grateful for the nursing home problems because they distracted me from the ravages of my mother's Alzheimer's? Would you believe that at times I have wanted my mother to die because at least I know she'll be safe with God? Would you believe I have sobbed half the night away trying to will my mother to "come back to me?" Would you believe I am sometimes afraid to even go see my mom? Then I hate myself for not being stronger, but I have literally used all the strength in my body doing, fighting, and grieving for my mother. I'm up 50 pounds, my teeth are cracked because I was so upset I clenched them in my sleep, and I walk with a limp now because I waited two year after my injury to get my tendinitis taken care of because I was instead spending 4-5 nights a week in a nursing home where I constantly felt I had to watch my tongue and my back. I've suffered, and there's just nothing left anymore. I'm on the frayed ends of sanity and I fear what I might be pushing down just to keep surviving this. I fear what will happen when it all comes out. When reality hits me. When my mother dies. Can anyone say anything that will help me in any way?