How to handle outbursts in public?

I found that my mom was happiest at home where she felt safe. I had her friends visit and have lunch when she was able. Her grandchildren would visit and that made her happy. We would be watching TV and I realized she wasn't watching the televsion but watching me. At night she walked into my room numerous times calling my name. It took awhile to realize she just needed reassurance that I was close by. She did much better in her own home around things she was famlliar with. Taking her out might make you feel better, and I mean this in the nicest way, what's important is what makes her feel better. If she wants to sleep let her.As long as her personal hygiene is taken care of and she's eating I wouldn't force anything it causes too much anxiety for both of you.

My mothers assisted living building has a beauty shop on the first level that is open to anyone that wants to use it. I am not a hair stylist by any means and I really don't know what I'm doing but I already gave my mother 2 haircuts that she loves. My mother is paranoid leaving the home and does not trust anyone to cut her hair. I did my best and I think she looks so cute in her shorter hair.

For one, I think people understand that something cognitive is going on with your mom....don't worry about being embarrased. I took my 90-year-old grandma (with dementia) to the salon 2 weeks ago for a perm and color. She REFUSED to move out of the waiting room chair for 30 minutes! The hair dresser and this sweet woman getting her hair done came over and tried to get her to sit in the beauticians chair, but she refused. She eventually decided she would participate, (30 minutes later) but by that time her hair color was the only doable service we could do, since the hair dressers next client was coming in soon.

Just the other day we went out to eat and she yelled at the bus boy for making too much noise with the dishes, even though the noise level was perfectly acceptable in the restaurant. You are not alone! Just do what you can to calm her down, and go about your day. People understand.

My grandmother also enjoys sitting, sleeping and staring at the wall. It is becoming more and more difficult to engage her in activities or conversation, but none-the-less, do what you think is right. Even though you are experiencing some outbursts in public, I still think it's good for them to get a change of pace sometimes. Good luck!

We no longer take mother out to shop or any other outing. She gets far to over stimulated and has the type of outburst you described. For us it was in the middle of the store. She has not had her own credit/debit cards or checkbook for sometime due to spending issues. Her dementia causes her to believe she is very wealthy and this is far from the case. She accused me of stealing her check book and credit cards and proceeded to tell everyone in the store I was stealing her nail polish as well. It was pretty awful - fortunately we live in a small town and the clerks knew what was happening. The Assisted Living facility does have a salon on site and she is able to get her nails and hair done there without interruption and she provides us with a list of items she thinks she needs from the store. She does request to go occassionally - however we change the subject and move on. I will not take her out any longer. Even on days where there is to much activity in the living facility they keep her in her room to prevent over stimulation and the resultant outbursts.

Wonderful insights and suggestions for this amazing group! Keep them coming. Every one of you has added something valuable.
Carol

What a good idea to carry prewritten notes. I also believe if you can pay in advance under cover if possible might help.

I come down in the middle here. I appreciate the understanding that often an elder is more comfortable in their own routines and environment. And, it's also true that it can feel encouraging and refreshing to go outside our environment for visits.

The challenge I see it, is figuring out how to work with another person, whose fears are different from our own. Some of those may be heightened by the vagueness that medications can add to one's abilities to respond to challenges as they arise. It matters for the person leading someone to a not-regular activity, to pay attention, respond, and explain, not ignore those fears.

So many people "chat" over the process of mobility - comings and goings - and we do not consider the fears of those with impaired ability to balance, see, hear, remember. Many people are conditioned to try to chat, be cheerful, assume that an elder can follow along, doing essentially two things at once.

I learned in guiding my younger brother's (brain injury) adult care, that he needs both down time - alone, and social exposure, but he needs them in a balance, and pace of transition that he can follow along with. Our culture often suggests activities or outings as if they were intrinsically wonderful in themselves, without considering the wish and need, for parties to follow along - which means a slower pace when senses decline, and being with someone alert to this need for slowness - as one gets into the car, as one tries to remember, did I bring my checkbook. Did I use the restroom? Will we come back home safely and promptly? If I need to use the bathroom but am too embarrassed to disrupt or say so, will someone respond promptly and guide me gently to find it?

Is some caretaker person, relative or paid - paying attention with cheerful, positive help, keeping in mind the primary focus of helping me with this outing, rather than fitting in with the hairdresser or others in the social setting. Building that trust and awareness starts when I arrive to pick up an elder, who is reassured by my responsiveness to every hesitation, agreeing with their fear and helping them resolve each concern as we go out the door.

Many elders, who remember the role of being parents to their children, hide their immediate physical difficulties from them. But when you lose considerable vision, hearing, mobility - even going across the room takes focus and being with someone who respects how disorienting this is, and wait for your slowness, not chat over your efforts to collect yourself and take on a new setting, which is not remembered in detail and is thus a challenge for you, so many unknowns,

All outings are risky, when you fear your ability to adapt in new expectations - which include conversations with people who are not familiar with the slower world of elders.

We don't live life from the outside, but the inside. Our culture has focused on the goals and values of the young, judging people as happy based on activities, social status, external trappings. As elders, and as someone with a different life path which included considerable separation from mainstream, I know we crave to see someone willing to let go of that external perspective, who wants to tune in to listen dependably and quickly, even if just briefly, and be ready to help if we have any fears. If someone shows that close one-to-one transition awareness, we can go out, and feel safer, and once settled in and sitting down, we can then enjoy the new, refreshing experience, or even the lovely one of a haircut.

a lady friend of mine said she made up little index cards indicating her mother had dementia and to please forgive any words or upsetting behaviors that might inconvenience the other people. She said this would help if they went out to eat and she made crude/rude remarks out loud. My friend said she would quietly slip a card to the table closest to them and it explained the situation. Most people understand if an elderly person does this but it can be embarassing, I am sure, to the daughter/son who is out with them. But you can't help it and neither can they. We need more understanding people in our world.

I just re-read your post and realized that you had tried the salon twice already so forget what I said! ;-)

Taking your mom to the salon was a very thoughtful thing to do and I'm sure she enjoyed having her hair done. But all the stimulation and noise may have been too much for her. Bless the hairdresser for treating your mom with kindness and sensitivity. I think hairdressers see that kind of thing on a pretty regular basis as most women your mom's age still like to get their hair washed and set and styled.

Maybe it was a one time thing with your mom. I would test the waters again because if it was a one time thing getting your mom to the salon on a regular basis would be a wonderful way for her to get out of the house. Write out the check before you leave the house next time and make sure your mom has the exact change for the tip. If she has another outburst you'll know for sure that you probably can't take her out anymore.

What a wise and perceptive hairdresser that was to treat your mother like she did! She deserved her tip and then some.
When I first read your question I wondered if you mom had agoraphobia (afraid of leaving the house). This is still a possibility, but considering that the hair salon seemed to be where she had the outburst, there seems to be more to it.

I agree with Sandwich42. If your mom hasn't been seen by a neurologist to see if she has dementia, this needs to be done. Sometimes dementia symptoms can be the result of infections or medication interactions so everything needs to be examined just in case.

I do agree that taking people with dementia out can be either good or not so good depending on their personality and their stage of dementia, if that's the problem. For many, a trip out can be invigorating as long as they aren't over stimulated. However, routine and familiar surroundings are very important to many, so going out of the house can cause extreme agitation.

It's very hard when people fight having their hair done. Your mom may not like the touching that is involved or if she gets a shampoo she may be afraid of the water. She may not understand what the scissors are for. Most outbursts are based on fear or confusion.

Getting to the bottom of what is wrong is just a first step. If she has dementia, then try to become as educated as you can about how to cope with it.

Please keep coming back to this community. There are many wise caregivers and professionals who can offer not only advice and tips but community and comfort.
Take care,
Carol

U are not alone... I know this is hard. My Mother lives in a REALLY nice independent senior living home. She chooses to sleep most of the time. I took her out recently to the Dollar Store (Walmart) just is TOO big... She started yelling at me in the store, so I walked away but stayed not to far away and she calmed down! I have had her yell at me for giving a tip to the hairdresser SO you can't win! Do what you are comfortable doing. Yesterday she called and wanted to VOTE, we had a primary in Iowa, so we took her with us. She was in her slippers however she went! take care, Are you in a support group???

Find a beautician who will visit your mom and do her hair at home. Still, you can play a "salon" game and let your mother write the check and tip her (if she is still able to do it without agitation...) At least you will not feel bad if your mom feels moody or does not behave. But yes, woman still feel better when groomed: manicure/pedicure/hair styling can be great activity for any woman....

I have seen the same thing with my 94 year old dad. He loves to get out of the assisted living facility and go for a ride in the car. However, any encounters where he has to participate in any form or fashion, particularly with strangers, are just way to stressful for him.

There comes a time where outings do more harm than good. Have you had your mom evaluated for dementia? If not, I would do that ASAP. Taking brain images can tell the doctor exactly what kind of dementia she might have, as they are not all Alzheimers and do not all have the same treatment path. What you describe is not normal aging.

I feel this is a critical step to understand what you're dealing with, if or what kind of anxiety meds might help, and to inform your planning for her ongoing care. If it is a dementia, the road will not get easier and you will need a lot of help.

My mom has Alzheimers - moderately severe impairment - and as much as I love the IDEA of taking her on outings to see the world and have nice experiences, wild horses could not make me do it. She is much less agitated on her predictable daily schedule, where the health care aids get her up, dressed, her meds, and to meals at the same time every day. She has social interaction with staff and the other residents on her unit. There are activities. Everybody there knows what to expect and what to do when it happens.

She is in a constant rage about her hair. It's cute on her at this length (at ear lobes), but she absolutely will not consider visiting the onsite beauty salon or barber. One lady, one time in the dining room, supposedly told mom that she had a bad haircut there. That one sentence out of that lady's mouth forever ruined any chance I had of getting mom to the beauty shop.

If I took those words at face value, I would perceive a problem. However, I don't believe that actually happened. And so what if it did? Maybe the lady who had the "bad" haircut didn't specify what she wanted. Maybe the haircut looked great and made it easier to self-care for her hair, but it wasn't the same haircut she had when she was 20 when she needed 50 curlers to sleep on every night. Who knows. Every salon in business has had complaints. It's no reason to avoid it without a good try. I'm not going to go through the upset of getting mom out of the building and to an appointment or to a walk-in place.