How to handle outbursts in public?

I've seen the cards before, they can be slipped discretely to a hairdresser or others do they are aware. Make an appointment with your mother's physician to see if there is anything medically going on. Perhaps it was to much stimuli for your mother, maybe you could make it the first or the last appointment of the day to avoid crowds. You certainly mean well so don't take it personally, your mom can't help herself and may not be aware that she is behaving this way. You can also speak with your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association, they have great tips on how to handle inappropriate behaviors.

ah sorry, I neglected to mention my mom has Alzheimer's.

Greay advice, will look at the video you mentioned!

3toewalley - My son has aspergers & ADHD. He is pretty darn normalized at age 15, but not without many years of intensive therapy at school & home. I saw a boy the same age at the store the other day who had on a tshirt that said "What, is my autism showing?" I wanted to compliment him, but he was deep in negotiation with his dad about new badminton rackets.

prtysmrt1 - My mom is very hateful and controlling despite the fact she is in a 24/7 care unit for dementia sufferers. I just back off. Back away. Stop helping. Stop whatever it is you are doing. Say you are sorry - even if you didn't do anything. Look on Youtube for Teepa Snow's video called Phrases every caregiver should know. Depending on what the thing is your mom needs help with determines the approach. You kind of have to read them like a map to understand if or how they might take help. They might need the most help and still have a sense of "I'm in charge here missy". You have to honor that sensibility even if they are no way in charge of anything. Kind of like how I am learning to approach my teenagers! "Do you need help?" or "Can I help you with ___?" or "Do you want me to do ____?"

Teepa Snow also has some videos demonstrating how to help the person from behind, with their own hand. It's genius. To the help receiver, it for all intents & purposes seems like they are doing xyz on their own, but you are guiding and assisting. It's great. It's in one of the videos on "Making visits valuable".

Nastiness and outbursts can also come from other sources you might not expect. E.g. UTIs, pain, frustration, tiredness, things they can't articulate anymore. You really have to troubleshoot one thing at a time.

There are a lot of helpful articles on this site about dealing with ugly or negative behaviors and outbursts. They really helped me depersonalize what mom does to me and in front of others, which helps me keep my cool.

What do you do when your mom is just hateful. Will not allow you to help?

I don´t have exactly that problem, my problem is that my mom was very active and 5 yrs ago she had back surgery which left her in a wheel chair and depending on someone to help her do the most basic things. Now she is very depressed and I am also since I am the only caregiver and my brothers live in US and we are in Mexico. I have tried telling her that she should calm down but we always end up yelling at each other. She still has the will to fix her hair and nails, put makeup and be pretty. Help, I am very tired since I had to leave my job to take care of her and now I don´t have a life, it is all dedicated to her.

My husband has Lewy Body Dementia (LBD) and doesn't have outbursts, but he does say strange things. He is aware of what is going on around him for the most part, i.e. sometimes he's confused by a lot of activity. He likes going out and wants to talk to people, but sometimes the wrong words come out and it just doesn't make sense. I speak up and explain, and I do it with his blessing, because when he got diagnosed 6 years ago, I asked if he wanted to be open about it or keep it a secret, since it is early onset. I explained to him that people already knew that something was wrong. They usually thought he had a stroke. We could take the opportunity to teach them about LBD, and maybe save someone not having to go through what we did to get diagnosed. He agreed. Anyway, we use it as a "teaching moment," and people are usually very interested, kind, helpful, etc. Though I must say sometimes I get tired of explaining, so I like the idea of a card. It would save me having to spell L-E-W-Y a million times.

My grandson is Autistic and my son says they go through something similar, because he loves to talk to people, but it often comes out as jabbering. My grandson is 7, too old to be jabbering, so people know something is wrong. Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable, which makes my son uncomfortable. But then it wouldn't be right for him to constantly be explaining in front of his son. As a kid, my grandson doesn't need hear that over and over. I'm sure people are uncomfortable, because they have no idea of what to say. So the cards might work here too. The card could give them ideas about how to respond, i.e. if he always walks up to people with bikes, the card might say he has autism and he likes mountain biking, or other typical situations.

Overall, I think people are getting more understanding about these types of things, because we don't keep people with disabilities and illness locked away anymore. The more we go out and talk openly, the more comfortable people will be. We can teach and be examples for when their turn comes, because it will come.

Bottomline, don't worry what other people think when Mom has an outburst or your husband can't cut his food (my situation). If they don't understand that is their problem or their lack of understanding. But also, don't make things hard on yourself. Keep outings at their pace and ability, slow and simple, AND stay home, when it gets to be too much. This is a marathon, not a race. Breathe and pace yourself!

Re the Autism button - I'd like it better if it explained more behaviorally: like
"please understand I can learn, but slowly. Thanks for your patience, I don't intend to cause difficulty."

Otherwise, though valuable, that button might trigger long conversations between adults or caregivers on the nature of Autism - which adds a distraction and impediment to the already triggered setting, which might help the "patient" better by keeping a to focus on the goals in the event. I learned to be alert myself to others reactions, and often a non verbal signal, a wry smile, lipped version of "sorry", is enough to help bystanders recognize that you are struggling to help someone participate, who has me hidden difficulty in doing so.

I take my dad to target and get my own shopping done. he gets one of those scooters and feels really independent going up one lane and down the other. I joke with them that should get one and we should play bumper cars. the other day he said "want I ride?" so I jumped up on the front and he drove me around. we were like kids again. then he ran me into the bicycles and that stopped that and gave me a big leg bruise. I kidded him about how we were going to be put in "bicycle jail". he laughed, cause we always used to make up a kind of jail we'd go to when he "broke a rule" (like escape-artist jail"....

we had fun. next day he had forgotten it. that's okay. it is a brand new kind of outting and experience every time we go.

Some parents of kids with ASD created a button that says "I'm not misbehaving, I h have autism. Please be understanding". What are your thoughts on this?

Consider this: despite the dementia she feels embarrassed by her growing shortcomings.
I have my mom either write the check at home (I supervise) for the hairdresser or I discreetly hand her cash to pay for her purchases out of HER purse that I always offer to carry for her ( she a bit unsteady and needs my arm).
If she has a tantrum I ignore it as I would a child's.I think you'll find most people she will interact with understand what she and you are up against so don't worry it.
Getting her out of the house is good.
My excuse: It saves her time

My sister and I wish mom would be ready to go out and be social rather than sleep all day. Day 3 of medicine change, She got up at noon (rather than 3 or 4) took two brief naps and sounded more alert. next step is to try to get her out of the house and take the dog for a walk daily.

This is worth a try if there are people with sensory overload issues.(persons with ASD).

You might try bringing the salon to her. Ask hairdressers if they can come to your home to do your mother's hair.

About the sexuality, this probably happens more than we ever know. I would stop it by telling the dad he won't be allowed to continue the rude behavior and ask him where he is planning to move...things like this may get him thinking about his behavior and proper boundaires if he wasn't sexually suggestive in life before. He may just be remembering earlier times and you can deflect him with talking about what really matters - and yes, people like him and want to be his friends, but that's it.

Icohen6825 - that's a great question and deserves its own topic: What do you do when your Dad, who has Alzheimer's starts to talk in a sexually suggestive manner to women in his assisted living facility?

It took a while for my mother to surrender to the fact that she has to go with me, and she cannot stay home alone so only once in a while does she act out.
She was isolated in the facility where she lived. Now that she is with me she enjoys the interaction in stores and restaurants and gathers a lot of attention being the old lady that everyone makes over.
She always says she doesn't want her hair cut, she's is not going to get her hair cut, and I say that she doesn't have a choice because I can't take care of her hair if it gets too long.
She fights more at home with me and admits she has little concern for others' feelings so my neighbors all deserve to be sainted. I think it is important my mother understands that there are still some normal things in life she still needs to do and cannot control. It comes under the safety umbrella and she knows I will do my best to keep her safe.

My husband is always wanting to go out and after we get home within minutes he wants to know when are we going out….totally forgets that we just had a great 4 or 5 hours out, very frustrating for me. When we are in a store, if he wants something and it is either not necessary or definitely something he does not need, probably because he has several, that is when he gets childish and causes a scene, then I either let him have it or explain his illness and try to hustle him out of the store….in restaurants he is becoming quite sloppy and tries to wipe up making more mess and is always needing the bathroom and I have to go with him and wait out side as he would not find his way back and often has an accident. I know he needs stimulation and to get out but it is getting so frustrating, especially when he asks when are we going out just after we get back….oh well….that's the way it is…..groan

What do you do when your Dad, who has Alzheimer's starts to talk in a sexually suggestive manner to women in his assisted living facility?

My mum is the opposite in that she is always on the go, she loves to get up and get dressed and going. She is constantly asking me where we are going next .she loves to be in the car but visits to cafes, shops etc must be short because before too long she is saying come on let's get going...however, when we drive home she gets this annoyed look on her face and says " oh we're home, so were not going out now? "
There is no relax time with her, she finds it very hard to sit still in one place.
In relation to your hairdressing issue, I too have had this happen on our last visit which up until then hadnt being a problem.
she didnt want to have her hair washed and when the hairdresser started to do the blow dry she got very anxious and announced she had to get going, she started calling out for me and saying " pleeeease let's go" like a child.
The poor hairdresser quickly dried her off.
I then realised that normally she would go to the hairdresser in the morning and this appointment was very late afternoon (witching hour I call it) so if your mother suffers from sundowning maybe make sure appointments and outings are done in the morning rather than after lunch?
Also, what about morning walks to a cafe for something she enjoys like an ice coffee or similar, so that there is a reason for her to get out of bed?
Or perhaps an outing where she is helping other people , like being with children or walking a small dog. Sometimes people who are losing their independence and/or mind, get a great deal of satisfaction and self worth by helping others!

I also agree with the idea of taking your mom to a beauty parlor located inside an independent living or assisted living facility. They've seen it all and understand dementia and outbursts.

My mom never carries a purse anymore, I pay for everything. I tease her that she's like Queen Elizabeth - she has a minion (me) to handle all of her business and carry all of her necessities. That always gets a smile out of her.

You could also take your mom out (in a companion or transport chair) to parks or outdoor areas, to see the flowers and birds. Or take her (if she likes children) to sit near a park playground where kids are playing. My mom enjoys watching children and often when we're sitting there, parents will have their kids wave at mom, which she loves. There are a lot of places you could take your mom that are quieter in nature where if she starts to have an outburst, you can immediately leave (if you've got her in a transport chair). Good luck!

Thanks . We know it will take time for her to go through the grief process. Dad had been sick for a while so her feeling of loss is deep. She trying to make an effort, but like I said there days and then there are days. We thank God for every day we have with her and only want to find a way to give her a good quality of life. She does have early stages of dementia and we know that doesn't help the situation. Good luck to you and sorry for your loss too.

Ferris has an excellent suggestion for inactive seniors ... an adult day health program. It could be one day a week or five. Even if they mostly rest in the recliners, getting up, getting dressed, getting in the van, having lunch with a group, and going home again are more activity than staying in bed! Plus they are very likely to enjoy SOME of the many activities so they won't sit in the recliner all day.

Public outings have to be decided on a case-by-case basis. What is just the right amount of stimulation for one person is overwhelming to someone else. More casual outings are generally safer than more formal occasions. An outburst at a park watching a bandstand act is not as disruptive to others as at a classical concert at Symphony Hall. Most people are very understanding, but it is also good to minimize chances of interfering with the activities of others.

Encouraging someone to look their best is often very helpful. Just be sure it doesn't backfire and sound like you don't like them the way they are! If someone offered me a manicure I'd be delighted. If someone suggested hair color I'd be insulted. My mother, on the other hand, is scheduled for a perm and hair color next week, in her NH -- in spite of dementia, pain, and a broken hip keeping her hair up is very important to her. One size doesn't fit all, but if you know your loved ones' attitudes grooming offers can be a real mood elevator.

Lindipan, having just gone through it myself, I'm going to suggest that your mother is still in deep mourning for her life partner. She has only been a widow 8 months, and for many of us that is not enough time to adjust. I'm so glad that you and your sister are able to get her moving a bit and into some activities. Grief is different from clinical depression and different from dementia, even if some of the behaviors seem the same. When she says she is sick and tired of being sick and tired she may mean she feels hopeless to feel so lonely and bereft. The good news is that most of us heal from grief and get back to a new "normal" life. Be patient with her and continue to gently encourage activity. You fear her recent improvements won't be permanent, but I offer hope that they very well could be!

No, get her out. Since the hairdresser seems to understand her condition, just pay the bill plus tip before and your mother won't have to. Just keep trying and see how her behaviors are in outings. Try to keep the outings to quieter places like a museum or get her enrolled in an adult daycare program for dementia patients. Don't let her sleep all day. Her kidneys will suffer greatly, not to mention her other body parts.

My mom who is turning 82 this month is summarily doing the same thing sans the public outbursts. She doesn't want to leave the house. She only wants to sleep all day. She gives my sister, who is her 24/7 caregiver, an argument when she tries to get mom up. Mom says we are tying to kill her by making her get up. She feels she had to do it all her life and shouldn't have to do anything now she doesn't want to, (like dealing with a stubborn child). Most days she will sleep the entire day and only wake long enough to take her meds and maybe have a minimal bite to eat.
Dad passed away last September at 83 and I know she is having a hard time dealing with it. Some days are better than others. I live in Massachusetts and they live in Florida. I recently spent a week there trying to get mom moving and eating and more active than she has been for my sister. Bringing my daughters to see her helped. My sister has no income because she is mom's 24/7 caregiver and has her own health issues. My sister and I were able to get rid of a lot of junk that mom hasn't been able to part with. She first agreed to let me donate dad's clothes, but then refused saying she is not ready. We didn't touch them.
Mom finally let me "trim" her hair as she won't let anyone especially hairdressers touch it. It was too long and unruly. I cut several inches off of it and she said she felt better. My sister has been trying to get mom to let her color her hair telling her she would feel better if she looked in the mirror and felt a little more groomed.
I think our being there helped at least a little. She put a little lipstick and make up on and is trying to get up earlier in the mornings. We told her if she needed to she could take a nap for no more than an hour to help her sleep through the night.
At her most recent doctor appointment he decided to take her off all other medicines except her anxiety medicine hoping that the need to sleep all day will stop. She doesn't want to go out, even to the grocery store. She goes, but begrudgingly and not often without an argument with my sister.
We, my sister, my daughters and myself, have tried to talk to mom about sleeping all day and the affect it is having on her muscles explaining they will atrophy. Some days mom has indicated that she is done, meaning she wants to die, because she is sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. The doctor has indicated all of her labs are excellent. She just doesn't want to move about and gets testy when we try to motivate her movement. She will change the subject.
She has not had public outbursts...yet. Mostly because she wont go out. When on those rare instances we manage to get her out she enjoys herself but tires easily. Again, from lack of movement in general.
While visiting her in Fla. we took her to St. Augustine and walked St. George street most of the day. We took her to Sea World and spent that day walking about. She refused a wheel chair, although we made frequent rest stops for her. We got her out to dinner, out for lunch at an aunts house and into the swimming pool. She even asked my sister to go for a walk with her and the dog.
None of this, I am sure, will be permanent. But she has seen the result for the better for getting her muscles moving, at first she was sore and it was explained it was because of lack of using her legs.
All we can do is accept the fact that she won't come home to Massachusetts where there is more family. Since my sister will not return, mom will not either.
There are days when I hate answering the phone fearing bad news. For now all we can do is what we are doing, continuing to encourage her and calling her every day trying to narrow the distance.

One time I picked up my Mom at the hairdresser - heaven only knows what she says when I am not around- and the beautician was looking at me strangely. The hairdresser tells me that my Mother wants to go to the casino and I am refusing. What??? For one thing she hates casinos but I digress. Two months earlier I had taken the hour drive to take her to the casino and when we got there she was overwhelmed and immediately wanted to go home. I made a face which my Mother saw in the mirror and then she says to the hairdresser "She what she does." OMG - I felt like a 12 year old girl again being scolded by my Mother in public. However that was a couple of years ago and I have a much thicker skin now - but I still avoid that hairdresser - haha.

The hubs is here 24/7. I would love to go out , anywhere at all. Ask if he wants to go out he will say yes. The minute the car starts moving he wants to go home... So whats the point

My Mother gets very agitated when she has to pay any money or write a check. The way we handled it was to pay the hairdresser up front for the month. She still tries to write her checks but the hairdresser knows what's up and tells her that "the family has paid for her." That seems to settle her a bit. The check thing was getting real frustrating for her - we now pay all of her bills online. She groused for a few months about us "taking her money" ect... but now she has forgotten and just thinks that magically everything gets paid for.

My husband has brain damage and alcoholic dementia, as well, and tends toward inappropriate lashing out on occasion. Once, in a restaurant setting, when his ire was directed toward me, I turned to him and quietly exhorted him to calm down, assured him repeatedly that I loved him, and informed him that yelling me in public was waaaayyyy inappropriate. He responded, after a moment of thought, with a very abject apology, and said, "That wasn't me." And it wasn't. On another more recent outing -- for a haircut, coincidentally -- he lashed out at the conclusion of the cut, stating that it was "the worst haircut he'd ever had," after which he stormed out of the shop. I was left to make apologies to the poor woman -- who had actually done a very nice job -- and I simply explained to her that he suffers from a form of dementia and offered my regrets for what he had put her through. I also gave her a nice tip and thanked her for her service. Needless to say, though, we won't be going back there!

I have slipped a small card disclosing my husband's Alzheimer's diagnosis to the nurse at several doctor appointments. It makes the whole visit much easier and the doctor knows to direct any questions to me rather than to my husband.