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After reading this thread and hearing of this type of situation over and over I have a question. Understand, I am not caring for a person with dementia so I might just be ignorant but I don't understand why combative dementia patients are not medicated for that.

My uncle became very combative a few years into his dementia and the doctor prescribed some sort of sedative. The effects were dramatic which saved my aunt from a life of caregiving h*ll. It's five years later and my uncle is still being cared for by her at home and he seems quite content. He does sleep a lot (12-14 hours a day).

Medication is not just about making things easier for the caregiver it's also about making life better for the patient. In my opinion sleeping half the day is far preferable than being fearful, angry and hostile, he is none of those things now.
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Go, so, ask yourself why you continue to subject yourself to these car rides? "No mom, we're not going shopping this week. I'll call and have your groceries delivered. My doctor says that being yelled at is very bad for my heart condition". "No mom, we can't go visit the kids in my car. You make me so angry when you yell and cry, I'm afraid I'm going to drive off the road. Here's the number of a taxi service; they're lovely". Detach with love, but detach. Lest you die first. Stress kills.
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Treat it like a Tantrum. Ignore it. Usually when they (child or adult) finds that it doesn't work, they will try some other tactic.
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Goagirl: Stop the car. Open the door. Repeat calmly: "Get out of my car NOW!"
Also, do this in your house if that's where the nut job starts: "Get out of my house NOW." I had to get to the point where I repeated this (it's called fogging) AND I also would say, "I don't care." Calling the police when she went off on me and started hitting and kicking didn't help and the police wouldn't come because they don't want to take a 98 year old combative dementia patient into custody. So you are screwed. DO NOT LISTEN. DO NOT GET NEAR HER. When the spitting starts (because she can't reach you to kick you or hit you), remain calm. Say calmly: "Stop spitting. Get out of my house NOW." Death is your only solution. Pray it isn't yours. The split lip in my user photo here was from being punched in the face by my 98 year old MIL. I am SO glad she's dead!
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well walking away is best of course but my 92 year old mater likes to save it all up and spew venom alternating with tears while I am driving
esp likes to do this while on the 2 hr trips we occ take to see her great grandchildren and of course on days we have shopping to do or just as i pull up to her apartment

any suggestions ??? I have tried to set boundaries about conversations in car but this has never worked

she has done this since I was a child I can remember terrible times in car she would take out on our dad

thanks
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One time Mom and I were in the car and we just arrived in front of her apartment building. She couldn't understand why I couldn't be in 2 places at once and started yelling at me a the top of her voice and calling me "B*tch! You B*tch!" I was shocked.
Then she saw someone outside and shouted, "My daughter is a b*tch!"
Makes me laugh at it now, but then I was devastated. Now I see it is a mental problem, as it has always been but everyone covered it up.
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My 91 year old mom is just like you described, and has used "tantrums" to get her way ever since forever. And family has generally placated her ever since forever. Historically, once she's though with her tantrum, we are all expected to go back to life as normal. But now it's different, as now she has some cognitive issues on top of it, and now, she can't be allowed to have her way. No one who hasn't lived with a family member like this understands. The "tantrums" can be horrendous, sometimes ending with police involvement. There is no logic to appeal to. Never has been. It's like dealing with an adult-sized two year old. I believe it's a personality disorder complicated by dementia.
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Hi - Artlaurie, geez what a track record you have with caregiving. Do you have something exciting, vital, riotous, colorful going on in your life (art, maybe? :) that is only yours, and you can share periodically at a class or guild? Or set, regular visits to museums you love, lectures, etc.? If not, maybe it's time to make that a priority! You've spent a lot of time around the sick and dying, I think we all should be sure to counteract that with Joy and Creativity stuff, whatever that is for you.

The great advice about ignore/walk away is already above. It's incredibly hard to hear the vitriol, at all, when the mother's always been that way and you just wish it would stop. But it won't. Countrymouse, my counselor steered me to that book a few years back, isn't it useful?! Very sad, too. There's no correcting a Borderline. I'm about to start week three not talking to my mother since her last meltdown, and I'm not proud. Have to get back on that horse soon. Someone wrote in a response this week that you're an equal to your mother, boy I'm going to have to try that one, it won't go over well. But I don't use that mindset enough, I still sulk and retort, in my head I still react too much like she is the parent and I'm the kid. You too, Artlaurie? Maybe we need to work and work on not being that in our head? I wish I'd ever had a mother who could just be there for me, but I'm grown and can let that go, she did an excellent job based on her emotional damage and remaining capacity. peace to all, keep up the great work. 😫 😊
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It is very hard, Artlaurie; and not only because of your mother's personality but also because, as you say, you are now alone. And you must feel very much alone. I'm so sorry, you sound rather desolate, and I can understand why you might.

Has your late brother's family been in your thoughts more than usual, recently? I ask because twelve years is quite a lengthy adjustment period, so it seems unlikely that you would suddenly be feeling his loss more deeply unless, perhaps, some particular milestone or memory had come to mind.

Handling your mother's outbursts: there are numerous guides to dealing with challenging behaviour. From your description of your mother I would recommend Christine Lawson's book on the Borderline Mother (but then I would! - I've recently discovered it) - there are plenty to choose from for further reading, and meanwhile forum members will have excellent advice based on practical experience.

But aside from that, what respite do you get from your mother? I'm finding out for myself that regular breaks are sanity-savers. I personally get four hours a week, when the lovely Liz comes to sit with my mother; and I'm trying to establish a pattern of a week's residential respite care for her every three months or so. Getting time away, even if it's only so that you can lie down and drum your heels in peace, does seem to be vital.

So, returning to the subject of family, have you perhaps been thinking of building bridges? Does your mother have grandchildren she doesn't know (and would like to, and who would benefit from her attention - goodness it gets complicated!) on your brother's side?

In any case, however, while a rapprochement could DV prove rewarding, I shouldn't count on it for actual, practical support even in the best of circumstances. So I would also be looking for some outside caregiving resources. Start by asking your mother's medical team about what would be both suitable (they'll need to know what they're doing) and available. And affordable, if that's an issue.

The thing is, it's an awful lot easier to handle challenging behaviour in a calm and constructive way when you're not already exhausted and driven to distraction yourself: hence the need for time off. Best of luck, let us know how you're getting on.
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And yes artlaurie mum too has always been this way yes her way of controlling it just gets worse with dementia alot worse!
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artlaurie im day 4 of not talking to mum? shes in a terrible mood and yes follows me to argue and yes i have to walk away now i am so lucky i have a friend down the road whose mum died of alz so she knows only too well the anger and "tantrums" the other posts are so right dont give her an audience. I go for a walk or my room or a friends ive had to throw out 3 meals that i cooked for her before i went out as she wont eat "anything ive cooked" yep temper tantrum like a 2yr old only we cannot punish a 77yr old? Like "go to your room and come down until you behvave" oh i wish!!! you have to rise above it and yes ignore her mums in the front room now sulking banging doors? BUT she has time to reflect then it will be all over me and buying me things blackmail? i was in a state last year before i joined this site as i didnt know what to do with these outbursts but have learnt alot here. Shes getting old shes afraid of dying and her anger can only be taken out on the one closest and thats you and me! Treat them like a kid and DEMAND she behave or else as i say to mum "theres a lovely home up the road with spare rooms if youre not happy here". Harsh but true i can put up with alot from mum but this abuse type behaviour is not on in any situation so let her know that you are not taking it and i assure you she will calm down and appreciate you even more although she wont admit it!
Hugs its very hard and so stressful but you get tougher and stronger if not youll crack!
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Leaving the room sounds like a good idea. Not giving her an audience when she's in one of those moods, she might learn that it's not really the way to get what she wants. Lately if my mom starts a tantrum or starts accusing me or my husband of things I leave her apartment (which is obviously easier than if you're living with her) but I just say I'm not going to talk about this and we'll talk later once things cool down. Usually she's at least civil after a while. It's enough to at least get you through, even if things aren't really mended.
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Yup, I agree with Rocknrobin. How do you handle your mom's raging outbursts? You don't. If she's acting like a 2 year old, treat her like a 2 year old. If she's screaming at you tell her that you will not tolerate being spoken to like that and then walk away and stay away until she's done. Then go on like nothing happened. Walk away the next time too.
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Walk out of the room when she is in mid sentence. Don't give her an audience. If she follows you, tell her you will be glad to listen to her when she calms down and lowers her voice. Go to the bathroom or bedroom and close the door. Let her rant. She will get tired eventually. She sounds like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. Treat her that way.
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