How can I handle my Mom's raging outbursts when things are not going her way?

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She is 93 with moderate dementia. She has always been this way coming back from childhood, her way of control, this I am aware of and not wanting to give into that control. It is quite difficult that now I am the sole caregiver for her, my brother, the other sibling, died twelve years ago with cancer and his family is very distant with us. So it is hard to be doing this alone after thirty years, caring for my father who died of cancer in 1987, my elderly grandmother who died in 1997, my brother who died in 2002 and now my mother. I would appreciate any advice or input you might have.

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We're in good shape I think as far as paperwork goes. We are her POA's for medical and financial, she has a will and she actually put the ground in our name over 3 years ago. Her Doctor signed a paper saying she was incompetent to make medical decisions. We will continue to take care of her...I don't have a problem with that. It's just her always throwing it up that we owe her and not realizing or appreciating everything we've done and are doing. To say something to her about needing a break from caregiving would send her through the roof! I'm sure you all go through the same sort of thing. I just need to have more patience and compassion. Thanks for all the advice and words of wisdom. Keep us all in your prayers!
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Judyab - STOP PAYING. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.
This is undermining your ability to put away for your own needs and future, and you are not required to do this. The more you do, the more you'll have to do.

I think an indentured servant would have paid for freedom in less than 20 years at modern day rates!

It's time to reassess:

==Did you sign up to take care of her to the end of her days or just until she could be better? Either way, it's time to put the next level plan in place.

==What's a next level plan? It's the plan that will assure both you & husband plus cousin-in-law (CIL?) a peaceful, secure future. Farming this way can make things pretty complicated.

I STRONGLY encourage you to go to an estate planning attorney with farm experience ASAP, to make sure YOUR interests are looked out for. Nobody else will look out for them, I promise.

Even if CIL has a will giving you everything, there's a lot that can take place between signing a will and it being enforceable that affects real property and other assets & investments. Especially if one party becomes incompetent for any reason. This limbo-time can be a super rude surprise to a lot of people as they watch things slip away that were "supposed to be ours" but were never legally taken care of.

Step one is figuring out your current and future legal situation. This will define if or how you can even proceed.

==If neither of you are her durable power of attorney, you have no legal standing in this situation, you actually can't perform the duties of a legal caretaker for her financial or medical decisions while she is alive. The bank and insurance or doctor can't talk to you. You can't sign anything for her. You can't do any financial transactions for her. The farm decisions are something else. Be careful what you ask for if you really don't want to have this burden.

==If either of you are her "attorney in fact" (the durable POA holder), then you have the ability to make sane decisions about her care and keeping mostly regardless of what she says. It depends on what kind of POA stipulations exist. The point of DPOA is to obtain medical care, help, and protect her from herself and others who would take advantage of her person and money.

==If you guys are farming for her, I surely hope there's an agreement in place that specifies what your takings are vs. hers if you aren't part owners. If not, and you plan to stay because it's your livlihood, you will definitely need something to protect your ability to live there and make money if she needs to go on Medicaid in the future. Medicaid provisions only cover spouses and disabled children who live in the home. You will have to research your state's rules about how Medicaid would affect full time farm caretakers who are not legal employees or part owners or something like that.

Medicaid looks back 5 years to find assets that can be sold or used to pay for care, and it's no longer possible to just gift away money & property to hide it.

Good luck and please let us know how it's going!
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First thing, she's not our mom. She is my husbands 2nd cousin. She has no other family and we actually moved to the country 20 years ago to take care of her and her farm. She feels we are in debt to her and owe her everything. (even tho we've worked our fannies off for her all these years) One of the big problems is that she feels like we should pay for anytime she needs someone else to care for her. My husband's brother died and we had to go to Florida for a few days. She stayed with a lady that charged $60 a day but we paid for it just to keep her calm. Oh well, it is what it is!
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Can you get your Mom in some kind of low cost housing or somewhere she can be independent and have her pay for helpers? Even if it's for only a few years before she needs more intense care, it will save YOUR life and your hubby's.
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Yes juddabuddhaboo, I am thankful for this thread also. It helps me to not take all the hateful things she says to heart. I feel like I'm stuck in a situation that I never dreamed I'd be in...taking care of someone who doesn't appreciate anything. Nothing's ever good enough. the more I give, the more she expects. On the other hand, I can only imagine being 95 with a failing body but still a strong mind. She has very little dementia. She's just always lived on her own and doesn't like living by someone else's rules. She has been living with my husband and me for the past year. We're doing the best we can and sometimes I feel the same way you do. Just want to say to h*ll with it all!
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Oops I meant conscience not conscious! ha
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I am very grateful for this thread. Hey judyab, thanks for mentioning the fakey childish laugh. The other day my 93 mom was pointing at her power cord on her laptop and demanding that I need to just talk to comcast to give them the number of the modem. "That's not your modem, Mom. That's your power cord to your computer." Drama queen throws up her head and nose in the air leaps off her bed and dances around the room like a man imitating a gay guy, and with her best sarcastic high pitched voice punctuated with a heinous sarcasm she mocks me and saying, "OH YOU know everything! Think you are so smart!" and junk like that. I should have walked out right there, but I just ignored her and tried to fix her problem. But it hurt me a lot later because she has used that sarcastic drama crap from the time I was born and I can't stand it. Why should I waste my time with someone like her? If she weren't my mother I'd have dumped any association with such a poor characher, sick or not.

It does help to see that a lot of this is dementia of some kind, but I guess I haven't forgiven her from all the abuse of the past and it just makes me more determined to find ways of NOT being there. I have a wealthy brother who does NOTHING. My sister is handicapped and is unable to do anything, and Mom is single. I am like a lot of you: can't leave them in conscious but can't stand their company either.
Some days I think that I've done enough and to H*ll with her but not quite ready to do that either. 85% there. though. Why should I be the one to take this crap?
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Just leave. Why subject yourself to any of this. It will only kill you with stress sooner than later. If nutso is acting out in your house, go outside, sit on the porch with a cup of coffee and continue to leave if she starts up again when you come in. If nutso is in a nursing facility, leave and go back home to peace and quiet. When I would visit my aunt in the nursing home and she would smack me across the face, I would tell her, "This visit is over because you hit me." And I would leave. She never changed her behavior and I never changed mine. I never knew why she hit me. She and I never had a bad word between us even when she was there. You don't have to take this kind of behavior no matter how much you love them.
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I've got the same problem with a 95 year old that I take care of in my home. A couple of days ago she was mad about something...I told her I wasn't going to argue with her or stay and listen to her calling me names. She just started fake laughing really loud. So childish!
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Zdarov - the OP might just be busy with life and managing that mother. Others will read the thread & get help from it.
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