Follow
Share

My mother is 84 years old and very strong willed. She lost her dog about 6 months ago and wants to get another one. She lives in a condo my husband and I own and we cannot really afford to have her live there anymore so we may have to find affordable housing for her. She constantly goes to the doctor/emergency/hospital, etc. She has rheumatoid arthritis and is sometimes in a lot of pain. When she had a dog she had a hard time caring for the dog's needs, not to mention the expense. I don't need another responsibility added to what I already deal with but she's wearing me down. If we need to move her in the future the dog may present a problem if they don't accept pets. She has a bird already but I don't see a problem with that. I know she gets lonely but I don't think a dog is the solution. How do I approach this situation? I've made my case to her over and over again and I let her know that I cannot take care of her dog when she's sick or in the hospital but it doesn't seem to matter to her. I'm afraid she will go out and purchase a dog on her own without my knowledge. She just got out of debt with our help so now she's talking about a dog again and how lonely she is. Like I said, she's very, very strong willed.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
You didn't write on your profile whether you mom had dementia. If she does not have dementia and is just stuck on this dog thing, much like a child would be, tell her that you cannot take care of a dog and if she brings a dog home you will have to take it right back. Acknowledge her loneliness but stand firm on the dog issue. If your mom is going to act like a child, begging you for a dog despite the reasonable reasons why she should not have a dog, then treat her like a child in warning her that you will return a dog if one shows up at your mom's house. And if a dog shows up at mom's house take it to the humane society.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It sounds like she's not equipped to handle a dog. Who would walk it? Who will care for it, if she can no longer keep it. It sounds like your mom is just not thinking clearly. She may never accept that she's not suited to be a dog owner right now.

What if you had someone who has a dog come by and visit once per week so she could pet and love on that dog? I've read about individuals who bring their dogs to the nursing homes to visit with the residents. Even if you have to pay for the service, it might be worth it.

I've also read about companies that rent pets for the day or weekend. It's not the best idea, but it might keep her happy until you can make arrangements for her living situation.

I've read that some Assisted Living facilities have in house cats who live there, so all the residents can enjoy their company. Would she agree to that? It might entice her to go if the place already has pets.

I would treat her insistence of getting a pet as poor judgment and not allow it. No matter how strong willed she is. No agency would allow her to adopt and most breeders would hesitate too, due to her situation, age and health.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If it's too much responsibility at this point, and your mother doesn't have dementia (so maybe it's possible for her to understand), then tell her once, FIRMLY, that the discussion is CLOSED, that she will not be getting another dog. And that's it. If she tries to argue, LEAVE the room or hang up the phone. Do not go there anymore. It feels rude and disrespectful to do this, but you have to do it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

dont expect such an avid animal lover to respond to any kind of reasoning . youll have a mental meltdown and at the end of a 2 hour conversation the last words will be " i luv muh dawg " . ive read plenty about this problem . it stems from various degrees of mental illness . be the bad guy and let them hate you . it isnt right for you to take on the annoyance , responsibility and headache when you no doubt already have a complicated enough life already . my renter to this day occasionally gets bold and attacks me from a new angle to get her dogs back out here . id prefer she go on to lose the remainder of her mind than to lose mine . no . fkin dogs .. i take the battery out of my ticking alarm clock except just on the occasional mornings that i need it . i want peace and im going to have it .
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Wow, these are all good suggestions, which I will use. I've been dealing with my moms strong will for many years so I don't think it's dementia but rather a bit of narcissistic personality behavior. I've played the bad guy on many an occasion, I just needed the support, and I got it! Thank you all so much!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

LaureenW,
I realize this kind of thing can be difficult. My cousin loved her cat more than anything. It took awhile before I realized it was dementia progressing in her. She became obsessed with the cat. She lived and breathed for the cat. She could not stand for the cat to wander from her sight for even a second. It was painful to watch. She had no real concept of what it really entailed to care for a cat. After she went into assisted living, I had to return the cat to the no kill rescue that she adopted it from years ago. The cat was much happier, since her dementia was making the cat stress out.

I will also suggest an idea I had for my cousin. It didn't work for her, but it might work with your mom. It's called Perfect Pets. They are life-like pets that sleep and actually move as if they are breathing. Some even snore a little. They come with a little bed and are very life like. My cousin was too attached to her real cat to have much interest in the pet I bought for her, but I would imagine they would be a big hit with others.

perfectpetzzz

I will warn you that they do make a little noise and at night it might bother you if you're in the same room.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

As an avid animal lover, DO NOT LET HER GET A DOG! If she gets one, take it right back to where she bought it and get her money back. It's NOT FAIR to the dog to put it in the situation you describe. The perfect pet that Sunnygirl describes sounds great. If she has a bird and takes care of that, it should be enough.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Perfectpetzzz is a website. Not sure why the link didn't post correctly.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thank you for the last two postings, I will check out that website. I know it's not fair to the dog, either, and I've said as much but it falls on deaf ears.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Depending where she will be living and what type of bird it is, you might have to find a new home for the bird or take on the bird. Large birds like macaws and parrots can be extremely noisy and even small birds aren't necessarily welcome in some apartments/assisted living/etc... In fact, some places won't even allow goldfish, figuring that, if the tank breaks, it could mean damage.

And, by the way, birds hate change. A bird that is forced into a new home won't necessarily adapt. They tend to be much less adaptable than dogs and cats, so you already might have this as a problem, to begin with.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree that she shouldn't have a dog. She isn't able to take good care of it with her physical limitations. A dog would provide companionship, but it wouldn't be fair for the dog. I also feel that anyone getting a pet should have at least $2K saved for its care. Vet bills can be very expensive if a pet becomes ill or gets hurt. Many people who don't have enough money will opt to have an animal euthanized because they can't afford to pay for its care. Your mother doesn't sound like she is financially (or physically) able to provide good care. The Perfectpetzzz sounds like an ideal option -- no care and no vet bills.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

The bird is in her 20's, I'd say at least 25. She's had to move several times and is very adaptable but I get what you say about resident restrictions. I may have to take the bird. I have no idea how long Cockatoos live. She's also a very sweet bird.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Just went to the Perfectpetzzz site. Cute. I watched the video, though, and wasn't so impressed. Still, the price is good for a cute stuffed animal.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

That's exactly what happened, JessieBelle, with her last dog. She wasn't exactly that old but she was ill and my mother could not afford the expensive treatments and medication needed and I had no idea how grave the situation was for the dog until it was too late. I was at work when my mother called crying and blurted out that she had to have her dog put down. My mother does most everything compulsively and tends not to think things through. She's a handful, that's fir sure. I have a dog if my own that is 19 years old. I have no idea how long she has but I'm trying to enjoy the time I have left with her. The vet says she's in great health, though. She still has all of her teeth which I attribute to having her teeth cleaned once a month by a canine dental hygienist and consequently her heart is very strong. Expensive, though!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Cockatoos often live 50-70 years in captivity. I thought about getting an umbrella cockatoo when one was offered to me. Then I heard their calls and read about the dust they generate and decided it was not a good match for me. They can also be aggressive to pets like rabbits when they're in a mood. I do love the cockatoos, though. They bond so closely to humans. If the bird is bonded to your mother, please find a facility that will accept the cockatoo. The idea of a grieving cockatoo is sad, though I know it will probably face grief eventually. I am surprised your mother would get lonely if she and her bird are bonded. I've known people with cockatoos and the bond is strong.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Remind her that the new dog would probably outlive her and that would be so sad and unfair to the dog. Appeal to the emotion of that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

There's no explaining my mother. She's quite complicated, but If you met her you'd never forget her and everyone who meets her loves her. It's just that she has a big personality that requires lots of attention and it's not always great being her daughter although in her day she would do anything she could for me or anyone. She's volunteered all her life from church to being an ombudsman for the Sacramento area. I could write a book about her!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I will mention that but I don't think that'll convince her. She has an answer for everything. I think I may be a bit like her myself. I think being firm with her is my best bet.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I don't suppose that rescuing a senior dog, would help?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Senior dogs have enough issues, please don't put them into a situation where they won't be cared for properly. It's not fair to them.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I agree, my 19yr old needs constant care and looking after. I'm waiting for her sitter now so I can go out for a bite to eat. She use to not mind being in a stroller but now that she can't see or hear that well she gets rowdy, but she's still my little love
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Can you at least get her to help out at a shelter? Maybe a weekly visit for an hour so she can pet some animals and give them some attention. It'd get her out a bit and the animals might enjoy it, too. Maybe give the argument that she's doing something nice for a bunch of dogs instead of just one, and it's a more manageable way to help? Though, if it's dementia at play, they get hard to reason with!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Thank you for the suggestion, Heidi73, I will propose that to her as an alternative. I spoke with her yesterday and she seems to have backed off on the idea a bit. I think she's starting to think it through for herself. I didn't press the issue too much just made some suggestions and that seems to have worked well. I think pressuring too much makes her dig in her heals, if you will. I think she may be coming around. all of you have contributed great solutions and suggestions, and I really appreciate the support. Most grateful to you all! This is the most progress I've had in a long time.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

HI Laureen, I read through all the suggestions and I think they are awesome. I would like to add one more. I have mentioned it before to others so my apologies for those who already know this. My dog and I belong to a group called Therapy Dogs International. it is a volunteer group of dogs and their owners who visit hospitals, universities, nursing homes etc. They also have a program where they go to libraries so the dogs can "listen" to children read to improve their confidence and skills. I believe they do individual home visits too. In the event that they are not near you, there is a similar group called Pet Partners. All the dogs with these 2 organizations have to pass a test. there are smaller groups too but be aware that some serve different populations depending on your needs. Please post or private message me if you need more info. I have tons! good luck! Lori
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Let her adopt an OLD dog! NOT a puppy. Seriously, the woman feels all alone and probably hurts in every bone in her body. She will probably die much sooner without something to love. She may be strong willed, but you all sound selfish and put-upon. Your turn will be coming soon...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You might want to look into "Therapy Dogs"...Those dogs are trained to visit in hospitals, nursing homes etc and you might be able to have a dog visit your mom for some love and some treats several times a week.
I have had three Therapy dogs living with me in my past and they were always gentle, well trained and eager to be petted and loved by the folks ( of any age) where we went to visit. Now that I am 79 I still have two dogs, but am able to take physical care of them with no problem. I think that when I am too old to care for a dog/or cat I will just "fold up my tent and steal away." I understand and sympathize with your Mom's wish to have her own dog, but a visiting dog could solve that problem.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Go online and search for volunteer groups that bring pets to elderly. There are some great organizations and this may apeaze Your Moms need for a Dog and a need for company. They will make weekly visits and bring the kind of animal she likes.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Since she is now out of debt and still heartbroken over the loss of her pet, one of the best ways to remedy that is to get another pet (I am assuming dog). Dogs are the best way to lower blood pressure, help with depression, increase sociability and just give unconditional love. We've lost two pets within three months of one another and we have replaced them with two tiny ones. My husband (with dementia) talks to both all the time and loves that they want to jump on his lap and he loves stroking them. It is calming to anyone to pet a soft furry animal. So, I am siding with mom as it really is heartbreaking to lose a pet.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hm. I'm a bit puzzled.

We get the picture of a lovely, colourful strong-willed lady, so far so good. What I'm not clear about is whether or not she has capacity. Who is actually in charge of her life, her or you?

If, whether legally or just in practice, it's you, then no dog. But if, both legally and in practice, she makes her own decisions, then you'd better just hope she never gets round to visiting the puppy farm - because I think you'd be on dodgy ground removing a pet that she had legitimately acquired.

Either way, though, you don't have to give her your permission to get a dog. You don't agree it's a good idea, so don't agree to it.

I'm guessing she's not a cat person? Pity...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My 94 yr old mom moved in with my husband and me 5 1/2 yrs ago . She had a medium size dog come with her. This dog was never trained to come or sit etc . She wasacrazy dog when mom first came she took care of the dog but as time went on did less and less until the dog was completely my responsibility . I did everything with it. Finally the dog started whining and barking every evening and became so disrupt that she even finally agreed it had to go . Luckily someone we knew took it which made it easier for mom to part . But my point is that you will have to care for this dog. Your mom won't be able to do it. Believe me you get very resentful very fast when you have to care for it all the time on top of everything else in life Then you become resentful of mom . Is there any other small pet , less work she might accept ? I know where you are coming from , I just got out of the situation myself
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter