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My sister spent the day with Mom and took her to a salon and then lunch and then tricked her into going to the MD. Mom acted just like I told her she would. Mom doesn't like MD and I take her to the one MD that prescribes her BP and cardiac meds. My sis wanted her to see a ortho for her worsening back and leg pain. Moms 86 and has sever arthritis /osteoporosis etc. She has dementia but still is very there when it comes to this kind of thing. My sister and her really got into it and were very nasty to one another and a nice day turned into a horrible one. Sis calls me and starts yelling at me saying Mom needs to be in assisted living etc. She is well cared for in her retirement condo-I live 10 min away and I have a caregiver come M-F for half day and then I'm there on the other days. I have given my Sis books about dementia and asked her to come to support groups etc so we can learn together how to handle this, but she says she lives too far away (50mi). I don't want this to destroy our relationship because she helps so much but I am not putting Mom in AL . It may come to that but not over a poorly planned Dr appt.that I warned her wouldn't go well. I tried to get her to tell me what putting Mom in AL would change and she hung up on me. I do think she has some issues with me being POA and am handling all the finances but that was moms wishes and I try to include all the siblings in major decisions. I am as transparent about everything I do as I can be. I guess I just needed to vent-Thanks for the ear .

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Sometimes that's what we need - to vent. You've found the right place!

It sounds like you have your mother is well taken care of, but it's likely that she will need assisted living in the future unless you (or she) can afford to hire full-time care in her retirement condo. The biggest issue with that would be the move. The farther she gets into her dementia, the harder the move could be on her.

Has she always disliked her MD? If so, it's perhaps time to fine a new one. Otherwise, this is just how it's going to be. She will need to see a doctor sometimes whether she wants to or not. I think your sister meant well up until she
lost her temper with your mom. That kind of behavior is bound to produce negative results.

Try to let your sister know that you understand she meant well and that you mom's hating to see the doctor frustrates you, too. What I'm saying is that since you value her help, you may have to give in a little more. If your sister understands that you know she meant well she may not be so insistent on AL at this time. Let her know that you see this move coming and that you want to work with her, not against her.

Sibling issues can be one of the hardest things about adult children caring for their parents. Old childhood rivalries can haunt the relationship and make it hard to see clearly what needs to be done.

We all wish you luck and hope you'll continue to check in.
Take care,
Carol
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Dear mrn4eva,

I'm glad that you have the support of your sister even if she is being a little difficult right now.

People handle stress differently. I know with me and my brother he's the calm, cool, and collected one. Things just roll off his back and he goes with the flow. Me, not so much. Hanging up on someone is a pretty childish way to handle things.

So your sister's knickers are in a twist from the stress of having to get your mom to a Dr.'s appointment. Maybe she thinks that if mom is in AL she won't have to go through that stress again. It sounds like she had a really bad day and then regurgitated it onto you. Could it be that sis wasn't prepared for the stress? I know you tried to give her a heads up when it comes to the Dr. but it sounds like she didn't really think it would be that bad and was just caught off guard. Let her calm down and then try to talk to her. Don't take anything she said in anger or frustration to heart.

You and your sister are doing a good job with your mom. Let the dust settle and then see where you are.
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dementia is so difficult. at any moment the patient can turn on the carer and in fact its likely to happen as the patient gets more and more unreasonable and you attempt to influence them. if you dont " manage " them you are possibly neglecting or endangering them. sadly a care home isnt going to be very diplomatic with the patient either so that isnt necessarily a fix .
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mrn4eva,the blow-up happened between your sister and your mom. This is her problem, not yours. Sis needs to inform herself about communicating with loved ones who have dementia. There must be an Alzheimer's support group, classes at a local senior center, or some other resources she can find through the Agency on Aging in her area.

Next time you are communicating with your sister, tell her what a wonderful thing she did by taking your mom to lunch and to the salon.
Sympathize with her about your mom's blowup at the doctor's. Support your sister in her worry about the osteoporosis, and tell her that she certainly meant well. Your mom's reaction was typical of someone with dementia. They need their lives to be structured and predictable. The surprise visit to the doctor's was probably very confusing to your mom and that's why she had a big meltdown. It's no one's "fault." Stuff like this happens all the time with elderly people who have dementia.
People in my support group have had family meetings, bringing in a mediator (your local home health association may have mediators available) to lead the discussion. If you could get your siblings together in a neutral place and have a guided discussion about what to do for your mother, you might be surprised at the solutions you could come up with together. Find a way to include your mother in part of the meeting, if you can. She is an adult and still has some of her faculties, so it would be respectful to include her in the discussion.
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As usuall you got good responses and advice I would like to add since my friend is in AL when she went in it was IL and changed to AL before she is accepted at an AL they will need input from the docs anyway and the family is still responsible for doc visits and so on and the meds will be reviewed so she will need to see the doc planned or not-if you think it would help encourage your sister to go with you or by herself to visit AL's in your area-she may just be uninformed about the role of AL they are not nursing homes where all care is given. My friend has to pay for aides twice a day to help her do things she is not able to do and have someon clean her room and do the landry-all the commets will give you an idea what is in store for her-and it is probably a good idea to start looking at AL'S the more you go to see will give you information of what would be best for her-the one my friend is in has activities 7 days a week and for her it is a good fit-let us know how things go because we all help each other on theses threads.
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My mother is transferring from the nursing home section to AL, today. What I didn't know is that AL is $100-$200, per night and medicare does not cover it. So, unless a person is wealthy or has long term insurance, it is not an option for everyone. My MIL is paying $2000 per month, over her monthly income for AL. I would suggest having your sister check out how expensive they are. You can't just drop someone off there.
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AL'S in NY are 3-4 thousand a month and any care needed is paid buy the resident some AL.S do take medicare and medicaide now -the one my friend is in just changed from IL to AL-it was a good suggestion by Chicago to check the prices NH's here are at least 450 dollars a day but do of course accept medicare and medicaide.
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Thanks everyone- that 's why I post here. I appreciate your responses.
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