I used to post under Dee1963 and have been off the site for a while, but recently came back on.
My mom's in the hospital again with complications from COPD and possibly worsening of her dementia. Last year she was hospitalized for the same thing and I felt like it was my fault because I didn't use her bipap machine at home. She didn't like it, but I was concerned she would vomit at night and I'd never know (she has achalasia). So I promised myself then that when I got her home I'd do better. The caregiver that comes when I'm at work puts it on her when she sleeps during the day, but I often don't on the weekend. So, now another COPD exacerbation (she's retaining CO2 and her sat rates are low-mid 90s most of the time). I know this time I will do better. Mom and I are going through some rough patches with Mom sometimes up every hour or two, banging on her bed, wants a drink, wants to get up and go home to her mom and dad, there's someone in her bed, etc. This has been going on over 2 years, not always every night, but frequently. Over one 4 night stretch I got a total of 9 sporadic hours of sleep. I often wait to get into bed until I think she is asleep, then the dogs and I quietly go to bed. As soon as I lay down it's like she senses it and starts banging and yelling out help me. So yes, sleep deprived at times, then have to go to work.
I'm sorry to ramble. I'm just wondering if anyone else felt like this and how you dealt with it. My profile can give more background info. I just need to not lose myself in a book, in the garden, or on the net, and feel I should spend more time with her. She sleeps A LOT now, always wants to lay down, her appetite is not great and we can only get her to drink if we nag her (will only drink small amounts of water, likes diet Pepsi). For the past 3 years the hospital keeps mentioning hospice every time she gets hospitalized. This is the 2nd time this month she's been in the hospital. Last time was after one of her many UTIs. Sometimes she just is so out of it that it's hard to wake her up. So I feel like I should have been exercising her, trying to engage her more, etc. And I feel like it's my fault when she gets sick. I didn't keep her on bipap, I didn't keep the equipment clean enough, etc. I have anxiety and depression and had a panic attack today after doing pretty well for over a year. Like many of you, I don't have respite. So how do I keep up and stay on top of it? I pray that when God takes her home, he leaves me with no doubt in my mind that it wasn't because of my apathy, laziness, neglect, anything I did wrong, or anything I failed to do. She's always been my best friend and my rock. I love her so much.