How to handle mother-in-law (95) who is brainwashed by her daughters but lives with her only son?

Is she still competent? if she is, she can execute a new POA document at any time. Does the executor daughter also have POA? Being executor is a position that begins on death...it has no bearing on the person during their lifetime.

Angel

Yes I agree of mom is still able to make her own decisions she can appoint her son as health care power of attorney. This is totally different form from the financial power of attorney. Also if mom can make decisions she does not need to consult daughter to spend her own money. Ask her what she wants and then have her son set it up. I take it mom has some money her girls want to inherit, is that correct? Shame on them, its her money it should be used for her care.

Decisions regarding the car, blood work, pain management....none of these things require a family vote. Save the family meetings for major life decisions and go ahead and get your MIL the care she needs when she needs it. If you hear about it from the peanut gallery invite them to town to care for your MIL while you and your husband take a much needed vacation.

And Angel is right. The daughter who is executor hasn't a leg to stand on. She holds no power whatsoever as long as your mom is alive.

You and your husband care for your MIL, it should be you and your husband who make the day to day decisions where caregiving is concerned. It's his siblings place to be supportive and grateful that he is caring for their mom and keeping up with her health. Maybe his siblings should be on a need-to-know basis from now on to cut down on the interference.

I sometimes get to feeling sorry for myself because i am an only child and left to deal with my elderly mother alone, but dealing with siblings can be a real hassle. There is a lot of good advice above, but I think what I would do is get an attorney at this point and show those sisters you mean business. It is a hard thing to do and may put a strain on the sibling relationships, but you have to think about yourself too and the strain this is putting on you and your husband. A mediator might also be an option.

Whoever takes mom to the doctor should have the MPOA/ Health Care Proxy. The doctor's office has the forms and can witness them. Keep the original on hand at all times.
Other comments are correct, the Executor has no power until AFTER death, and that power is limited by instructions in the Will.
Financial POA is either assigned by the patient, if they are still competent, or granted by a Judge during a Guardianship proceeding when they are not.

Your fiancé and you have built this apartment specially for his mother, and she has lived in it for thirteen years. Two things strike me about that opening statement. One, I wonder what the original plan was, and who was paying. Two, have you been engaged for more than thirteen years? Isn't that rather a long time? Or did you arrive on the scene somewhat after your fiancé's mother started living in her annexe to his home?

I realise that these are not the key issues in terms of your MIL-to-be's care needs, but I suspect they might have something to do with whose influence prevails, and I further suspect that this is the heart of what troubles you. What is your fiancé doing about his mother's situation? He doesn't need POA to take her to a doctor, for example. Nor to a pain management clinic. Nor to arrange for paid companionship. These things are up to mother, if she's competent, and it sounds as if she is. As for the brainwashing aspect, how come her more distant daughters' opinions carry more weight than her only son's, given that he's right there on the scene?

Mother knows whether she needs assistance with pain. A quick chat on the phone with her daughter is not going to change her mind about whether or not something hurts. The blood work: that's a clinical judgement, let her doctor decide whether the tests are necessary or not. Home help or day centres are mother's decision - if she wants or needs support, she can let you arrange it or not, as she pleases. And if in your fiancé's judgement she begins to need more supervision, then he can arrange it for her - he doesn't need his sister's permission to do so.

In short, his hands are not tied by his sisters. They may be tied by his mother, but that's her choice, about her care.

Oh darn, this family drama stuff is rife on these boards.....and dynamic seems to always be the same--the caregiving kids are under pressure to provide a great living environment and care, the other sibs only show up to complain and make waves.

Yes--get mom to give YOU POA, and take sis' phone number off the acct. That is just crazy! You betcha sis will throw a fit, but prepare yourself for it.

Her job as executor is for AFTER the death. She has zero power now. Who DOES have MPOA? No one? Then it will be simple to get it.

NOT letting mom have the medical attention she needs is simply cruel. Sounds like mom lets this daughter intimidate her to no end.
I'm really sorry this is going on. You are NOT alone, this is such a common thread.

Good luck and prepare yourself for some angry phone calls. Mom's needs come way ahead of this sister's need to control from long distance.

I have seen this misunderstanding commonly, where a child named executor in a will believes they have been given control over decisions for the person who is still alive. ABSOLUTELY NOT SO. However, after living 16yrs on your property, you should be sensible and have a DPOA for both finances and healthcare. One thing you cannot accomplish is to get a person off a joint bank account without both persons being present, its the rule at the bank. You would have to make a new bank account and start funding it instead.

Greed is the most horrible thing. My daughter is an RN in a nursing facility. She says people keep family members alive just for their SS check. The member lives with them and they are used to that income. Always gets me that the ones who do nothing are there to get their share.

Why are you inviting the sisters opinions? In reading your post, I couldn't figure out how you and your fiancee are letting yourselves be bossed around by his sisters. It seems like it's you who thinks a POA makes Sis the boss.

As you point out, she lives with you. No one needs to be consulted for you to help her in managing her health. Go to a doctor's appointment with her and, in front of the doctor, ask that you and your fiancee be added to her records as someone with whom the doctor and his staff can discuss her medical status. You do not need a medical POA to do this.

However, you need to get a medical POA. You can download one and take mom to a notary to sign it or you can visit a lawyer. Considering how fractious the relationship between the siblings sounds, a visit to an elder law attorney is in order anyway.

ps - Isolation will kill her. It's among the biggest dangers to the elderly. Call your county's office for aging and find out about senior day programs in your area. There are usually a few inexpensive (or even no cost) options and they often provide inexpensive or free transportation.