My husband and I care for his 94 y/o father in our home. Dad has Alzheimer’s and some mobility issues; he’s messy in the bathroom, can’t handle finances or taking his pills without help, and his hygiene has slipped quite badly, but he’s otherwise in okay health. The problem is Dad is fixated on sex, but ONLY with me. He waits until my husband is out of the house, preferably at work. Then it starts. He wants kisses. He wants hugs. He specifically requests sex acts. He has trapped me and grabbed parts of my body. Mostly it's just creepy staring, licking his lips, and lewd, suggestive talk about things he wants to do.
I know it's the disease. I know he can't help himself. It’s just—he’s convinced we’ve been intimate in the past (never, ever happened) and says he doesn’t think his son, my husband, would mind if I “made an old man happy.”
I've videotaped him doing these things, because even I have trouble believing it. He never does it in front of witnesses and generally appears to be a slightly befuddled, sweet old man. The only thing that makes him back off is when I say I'm going to tell my husband, and then Dad gets all stressed out and even physically ill... but he does stop for a few days.
In case anyone’s wondering, I tell my husband anyway. We’re in love and united, but we’re at wits end wondering how to deal with this. My husband has told him it has to stop, but of course it doesn’t. Telling Dad his behavior is inappropriate doesn’t work. Telling him I think of him as a father doesn’t work. If I use humor, he thinks I’m flirting with him. Distraction doesn’t work, because if I’m around he’s too fixated on me to be distracted. For some reason, Dad thinks he and I have a “Naughty Little Secret.” But there is no secret. He just forgets that my husband knows.
Right now, when my husband is away, I spend my day hiding upstairs (because Dad has trouble with stairs). The only time I come downstairs is to answer the doorbell, let the dog out for a break, and feed Dad his meals. I have to do this because staying out of sight removes the trigger for Dad’s behavior. Me.
Dad is seeing a neurologist and we're trying different medications. So far, either the meds knock him flat or, if he's not sleeping, he's a Romeo. I'm sick of playing Juliet, but I'm still hoping to salvage the situation. Except for the Inappropriate Sexual Behavior, Dad isn't a lot of trouble. I can deal with deep-cleaning the bathrooms every day. I’m just having trouble dealing with this.
We do have family members who take Dad off our hands part time, or we’d have imploded by now. No one can take him in full time, though.
Does anyone have ideas on how I might do a better job of just... I don't know... accepting what's happening? Am I being over sensitive? Should I seek counseling? Part of it may be that he’s lonely (I leave him alone all day), so should I hire someone to just sit with him during the day? I feel like I’ve tried everything, but if anyone has dealt with this type of thing at all and has advice to give, I'm all ears. I don't want to be the reason Dad has to go in a nursing home. He’s not like this with anyone else.