How to handle a difficult mother who refuses to go to assisted living?

You have to think of her more like your child now than your mother. As with our kids who puff up scream holler and cry say I hate you & all that. Well they get over it. She will to. It may seem harsh for a bit but you have to do what is best for your mother bottom line.

As has been said, this is very hard but...

What choice is there?

You have to bit the bullet and do what is necessary.

I was in a similar situation. I did force my mother into the AL, it was awful, and then she began to receive the correct medications in the correct dosages. And life was good. That was 2.5 years ago.

Today it is all just a bad memory. I visit my mom and she knows who I am and we play cards.

Even if your mom won't speak to you, is that worse than what is happening now??? Are you having great conversations with your mom?

Do what is the best for her and let the chips fall where they may.

I am getting ready to take my mom to court for guardianship and what I have found out since my mom has lived with me is that my mother is never happy and has continuously stated she was going to find some place else to live but never does. My mom needs 24 hour care and will not allow home health aids to come into the home, so we are moving forward so I can make the decisions for her safety. I figure if she is unhappy she'll just be this way no matter what I do so she can be unhappy here or in assisted living facility. Guardianship is the way to go. Safety first. She'll talk to you it's her way of controlling. My mom has said that to but she still talks and has the lovely mood swings. Never changes. Bring peace to yourself and move forward.

It sounds as if your mother needs to be in a memory unit unless you can hire 24-hour aids through an agency who, as was suggested, "actually do their jobs."

If you have a Durable Power of Attorney you can do this. If not you may need guardianship. Your doctor can back you up. If she never speaks to you - well, that will last about a day - but just roll with it.

Most elders have no idea how nice most modern assisted living facilities are. Yes, there are bad ones, but, in most states, they have improved immensely.Many are lovely and offer compassionate care. The same is true for many nursing homes. Both types of facilities often offer memory care.

I feel that this is a case where you have to override your mother's wishes because her brain will not allow her to think clearly. She needs your help. It's very hard, I know. We hate having our parents so upset with us. You'll need to be prepared for her to be nasty to you even after you move her. Just let it go. Eventually, she will likely get so that she enjoys herself, especially since you indicate that she is social. This could be the best thing that every happened to her, yet she may not admit it to you. Bite the bullet anyway and do what must be done.

Good luck to you with this. It's tough. Many of us know this.
Carol

Based on my experiences with my mother who had dementia, I would do whatever it takes to get your mother into a nursing home rather than try to find the right home health aides. I say this because your mother has put inedible food back in the refrigerator and may do something more dangerous in the future.

You do not note whether your mother has granted you authority under a Medical Power of Attorney and a Durable [Financial] Power of Attorney. Could you carry out the doctor's orders using these? At a minimum, the "Home Aides" should be replaced by people who actually do their job, Have you considered an "anonymous" report to Adult Protective Service?

If an elder refuses to move to Assisted Living there really isn't much we can do unless to take them kicking and screaming.... the Assisted Living facilities are very familiar with this and they do what they can to make the new resident feel welcomed, it's not easy.

One thing positive, your Mom does allow Home Aides to come into the house. So many elders even refuse that type of help. Maybe you need to hire professional Caregivers from an Agency, if it is within Mom's budget, and the Agency usually have Caregivers who can over-ride the resident to do what actually does need to be done. Like going through Mom's closet and washing the soiled clothing.... going through the refrigerator to remove expired food [when the client is napping is usually the best time to do this].

Depending on your Mom's age, many elders remember back when "nursing homes" were actually asylums, thus the reason they will refuse to move. Trick Mom into visiting one, saying you are helping a friend look for a senior living complex and you can get a free lunch [if you call ahead]. Mom might be pleasantly surprised, and may even see someone there that she knows from the past.

Otherwise, you will need to wait for a medical crises to happen. My Mom was very stubborn, wouldn't move nor have caregivers nor have cleaning crews, and here she and my Dad were in their 90's. Yep, we have a crises, a very serious life threatening fall, and Mom lived her final 3 months in long-term-care. Dad happily went into Assisted Living and loved it there.