I've been helping to take care of mom with Alzheimer since I was age 23. I'm now 46. Mom is bedridden, unresponsive, oxygen, trache and feeding tube patient. Dad had a stroke last year and is very demanding and progressively becoming senile. I've spoke to family how heavy they are when I change their pampers. I weigh only 96 lbs and both parents are 100 lbs and 150 lbs. I tell family of my health issues (high risk of heart attack). I think my endometriosis is back. Go figure, I have to have the Painful Endo. I've had 2 major surgies on my endo - 4 and 5 yrs ago.
I was Googling last week Sunday trying to find what other caregivers are experiencing and how I can benefit from it. Of course, this was triggered when I attended my 1st group therapy of caregivers and actually liked it.
Since my dad's stroke and I now have 2 bedridden patients, I find myself becoming bitter,resentful and hateful towards my brother, his wife and 3 grown children just living right next door to us. Dad gave that land free to my brother. He built his house and a 2 story duplex building. You would think they would show gratitude and help me with them. Nope.
Also last year, I started to Google on how to commit suicide that wasn't painful. I analyzed each suggestions. This year, I found the perfect way to commit suicide. Then, the caregiver respite program contacted me (thru my father when he was caregiver). The recommended I attend group therapy and a one-to-one therapy. I was shocked when they asked me for "the plan." I only came upon "the plan" just this month. I truly think that although I've turned my back to God (not blaming him for these problems - that was Adam and Eve's fault), He has not turned his back with me. I'm mad at God because as a Creator of all things, I was born - and I grew up in a Very Dysfunctional family and still living in misery. Our childhood was so bad, my younger sisters & I have no memory of it. Therapist believes we were sexually abused. I told therapist upfront that I don't want to remember my childhood. If I do, I will walk out of my parents' lives. No if, ands or buts.
I'm so angry and resentful all the time. I'm getting migraine headaches all the time that I pop an Excedrin every day one or 2 pills. I'm so exhausted that I can barely stand and change their pampers and clean the trache at 830pm. I get up constantly through out the night to suction mom's trache or she chokes on the phlegm.
I used to say in despair and anger that I will be forever taking care of the parents. I said this to the therapist. He said it's not forever. Sooner or later, they will die. And I piped, "or me!" He just stared at me, and then said, "and you." At the end of the session, he tells me, "Karen, you will not commit suicide....If there's an emergency, please call 911 and ask them to take you to the hospital." I didn't respond. So he repeated, "If there's an emergency, please call 911..." So, I reluctantly agreed. This was last week Wednesday.
I woke up this morning not wanting to get up. Went to the restroom, and I thought that my life is a prison. And I started crying. I didn't even know I was crying for 10min until I heard my 3rd alarm clock go off. While changing mom's pampers, I was crying. We kids do not cry. Our parents hated when we cried. We were punished very severely when we cried as kids. So, for me, when I cry, it means I'm having one of my depressions and am almost rock-bottom. Rock-bottom is either angry at the world and I will become abusive to parents, or I withdraw and all thoughts turn to suicide.
I'm so scared when I hit rock bottom. Because you see - I now have a fool-proof suicide plan. It's detailed. This morning, I tried to remind myself that I love my grandniece and grand nephew. That I want to see them grow. And how happy and loved I feel when they see me and get all excited (both about 1 year old). It didn't work. So when I go home, I'm going to dig up their photos and display it prominently in my wallet. Maybe if I look at their pictures it might help??
I don't want to bother my therapist. His wife's father is dying and they all went off-island to be with him in his last days. Hence - my 30days to get those darned exercises right before he returns! And so, I thought of you all. I saw your advice to Lisa and it's almost just like the therapist's advice. Plus, you guys make me smile. I was planning to go back to Lisa's thread and print out the funnies. Then I can read it when I'm down.
I don't want pills to treat my depression. I get addicted to drugs easily and have a very difficult time getting off it. Have you ever heard of anyone becoming addicted to Tylenol? Nyquil? Night time Sudafed? That's me!
Any other advice? An article you found that helped you? A humorous book that helped you? Thanks.