How do I handle criticism from my adult children about how I care for my elderly parents?

Maybe those children should have a talk with the grands about how worried they are about them. Grandma, I really hope that you've been to your doc to ask about that pain in your hip, sort of thing. In my experience, there is sometimes an almost magical connection between grandparents and grandchildren. I eould capitalize on it and also use the opportunity to start a conversation with your children about caring in the future when you are older. You have a golden opening here, don't pass it up!

OK, let the kids have a crack at getting Gramma and Grampa to go see the doctor. Wish them luck. Unless, of course, you don't want to disrupt their fantasy that if only you tried harder you could fix everything because you don't think they are quite ready to learn that not all things can be fixed. :-)

We found that mom would complain about aches and pains, not to see the doctor, but to get us to come to her house. It becomes challenging, but the key is, if you get there and they are all smiles, you've been had. Mom called at 6AM and said she was in agony, come right over. Instead we called the police department in her city. You need to have the landline number for 911, talk to the dispatcher, and they will respond. She did this in May, June and July. She got bills for co-pays totaling $500 each trip. She tried to hide the bills, but my husband took her checkbook and paid them. Her sense of frugality overtook her need for drama and she stopped calling. Instead, she complains to her friends "My kids tell me to call 911!" She does see her doctor every month, and amazingly, she is perfectly fine when she is with him.
The bottom line is, if they are "in agony" you can't fix that, but the ER can.

Give your parents the phone numbers of your kids in case your parents should need anything.

I'm only half serious.

People have no clue what goes on when they're on the outside looking in. When my mom was in bed, dying, my aunt would screech on the phone to me, "Take her to the Dr.!! Make her get up!!!" How exactly? Physically drag someone from their bed? Physically drag someone from their home and push them into the Dr.'s office? You know that's not possible and I know that's not possible.

I think it's kinda sweet that your kids are so concerned about their grandparents but since these are adult children tell them to back off unless they want to participate in the caregiving on a regular basis in which case they will earn a say in what goes on.

Talk to the kids about your hopes and plans for yourself if you should ever need the help that your parents now are getting from you. Go over your plans for POAs with them, draw up your will, DNR, or whatever. Have a family meeting, maybe at the next family event, like a holiday weekend. Let them know ahead of time so they can get their thoughts together. You can ease the concerns for yourself into the discussion of what your parents did/didn't do, what you are dealing with now and how they would like to participate more directly in the care of their grandparents. Time for the grown-up kids to deal in a grown-up way with these adult issues. You can show them the way.

First of all, no one can "make" you feel bad. You are allowing your adult children to bully you into feeling bad, and as an adult you have a right to feel badly or not. The choice is up to you. Take control of your own life, treat your parents the way you feel they would want you to, and let your adult children fend for themselves. Only give advice when asked. If they don't take it, that is there business. You can only change yourself and your feelings about what happens to you.

Unless you are your parents medical and financial POA, then you don't have the legal right to force them to see the doctor. Explain that to your adult children. At the same time, I would listen to my adult children's concerns. Our elderly parents do need to see the doctor on at least a routine basis every 3-4 months. Also, if something doesn't seem quite right, they may need to go see the doctor whether they want to or not. In my case, activating my parents POA's roared into my life when my mother was diagnosed with dementia and a short time later my dad was diagnosed with cancer and needed surgery and it's a big responsibility. I'm certain for you that as time marches on, there will come a time when you have to activate your parents POA's - if you are their POA. Then and only then, it is right and proper for you to take over your parents medical care. In the meantime, do what is called watchful waiting. You will know when the time is right to step in. I would step in if:

I suspected a parent had dementia
Someone was having chest pains
Someone was staying in bed for no clear reason
Someone broke a bone
Someone reported blood in stool
Someone was short of breath
Someone fainted or had a seizure
Someone reported having a severe headache

Maybe they need to go visit their grandparents more often (and for longer than a few minutes at a time) & see for themselves how difficult it can be?

Tell your children that children do not tell parents what to do as long as they are able to make their own decisions, and don't ever try that on you now or as long as you can make your own decisions.

Let your adult children take their grandparents to the doctor and help you with their care. They are adults and should offer to help you.