How do I handle the constant complaining and negativity?

Definition of acrimonious

: caustic, biting, or rancorous

I will repeat. Say to them "when you can be less acrimonious, I will respond. Otherwise, I WILL NOT RESPOND."

Ann3447: This may seem like an atypical approach, but have you ever asked them point blank-"why have you been so unhappy all your life?"

Wow, this all sounds so familiar. My mum has always been negative and unhappy. I was very happy to get married and get away from all of it and live my own life and be happy and positive. Now at 95 she is living with my husband and me, and has been for 5 years and I'm right back to feeling trapped, depressed and ready to explode! Just like Lynette75 said, daily, I think I can't take another moment of waking up to the smell or urine and dirty Depends left here and there. Yesterday she asked me if my name was George. Yes, we're dealing with dementia too. I'm becoming resentful, I know I'm not as patient and caring as I was, and the only bright spot in my day is going to bed at night to get away from all of it. What is wrong with me that I can feel like this about my mum? I know I can't take another day of this but I always manage to struggle through another one. But at such a cost. It has changed my marriage and my life. I have lost who I was, and I don't remember what it's like to be happy any more.

Old Bob: I totally agree with you! If you don't set the boundaries, it won't go well.

It's a comfort to know that other caregivers are going through similar experiences. I believe that a lot of the negativity and complaining stems from a number of things: being in pain or uncomfortable, loss of independence, fear of going to Assisted Living, fear of dying, losing senses of sight, hearing, taste, etc. I'm not the most patient daughter in the world, and I just moved my 91 yr. old mother to be closer to me, not realizing just how much time I would need to care for her. She lives in her own apt., but I'm still there a lot for one thing or another. It hasn't been easy, and I usually leave when I can see her mood going downhill. She has some good days and some bad, but it seems the least little thing can make her irritated which then irritates me. It's hard and I know I don't have it at bad as other caregivers, but I still appreciate reading what others are going through so that I know I don't have to feel guilty about my feelings.

You're doing the right thing by distancing yourself but you need not feel guilty because distancing yourself from a bad relationship is actually very healthy. Please, take care of yourself and definitely don't feel guilty. I felt the same way you do after my rescue from my parents because I felt I had to stay despite being abused. I felt guilty for leaving and even more guilty for saying I never wanted to see them again and the guilt was unbearable. When I relented, the group home staff were upset and disappointed at me but this was something I just couldn't help. I guess you could say I got a few good visits in but not very many until they had to become supervised and then there were none. I guess what I wanted was just one time in my life where my parents were actually kind to me, I was lacking this and had nowhere to turn. I guess you could say this was all I really wanted before eventual closure came and I was able to peacefully move on without guilt. Don't feel guilty for admitting what you really want from your mom, it takes some very serious soul searching to find what you really want

Wow Onlyacaregiver, you are my hero. I love how you handle your mother and I need to handle my father in the same way. As soon as my sister comes, he starts showing off by acting as if Im the maid.."I could use some more popcorn.." "Here take some of this food off my plate its too much.." or "Can you turn up the heat ?" Meanwhile my sister is sitting right there with her feet on the couch.

Who knew? Lol...when we were small our parents set rules for us...now. We have to set boundaries for them to protect our sanity! And they are real stinkers!? What? I never would have foreseen this in a million years!

Tell me where I am wrong here, I don't mean to sound mean but my wife and I put here parents in Assisted Living, there was no way we could care for them at home, my wife has a career I have finally retired. My mother-in-law did even remember we were there for Christmas dinner.
I am not a mean person, but there are facilities that care for people with dementia and major health issue. That doesn't mean you don't care. In my opinion, you are providing them with professional care with medical personnel on hand 24/7.
I admire those who choose to take care of their parents at home, but most of us are not professionals. It would be very hard for my wife and me to deal with her mother, but we travel the 50 miles every other week to visit her and her sister alternates with us.
We did care for my mother at her home, but there were 4 out of 6 siblings that rotated shifts. Because I am a male my sisters had to care for her personal needs and I provided transportation and ran errands. We tried to get mother into assisted living but she wouldn't have it, but she did not have dementia either but cancer.
It is such a hardship on the sibling because most of our parents are living longer lives and we are well into our late 60's and I am almost 72.
I would like to enjoy retirement, but I still care about my mother-in-law and even though she is in assist living we still have most of the responsibilities of doctors appointments, banking, paying her bills etc.

You are not alone. My mother was always negative, but as his health has declined my father has gotten increasingly negative. It is the worst aspect of caregiving for me. When they did not live with me, I found it easier. I would put the phone on speaker and go about my business in the house and just pass my and say "oh" or "uh-huh" every now and then. She just wanted to complain anyway. Since they are both living with me now, it is difficult. Taking the occasional Xanex helps but mostly when I get angry and resentful, I have to remember to change my train of thought. Sometimes I just breakdown or say angry things, but I realize it doesn't make a difference and it happens less and less. Detachment is self-preservation. I tell myself that I am doing this for my own reasons...my own ethics. If it's not good enough for them, too bad. They made the choices that got them here and they are still trying to make decisions against their self-interest. No one can fix them. They are dying by degrees and it is hard to watch, but I imagine it's hard to experience as well. Do what you have to do to insulate yourself & your feelings & don't feel guilty. It's hard to accept, but we can only do what we can do, and it has to be good enough, even if they will never see it that way.

Lynette75 oh my can I relate. Same boat but mom is the one with dementia and dad is caregiver and i care for them both. Always angry, bitter, whining, complaining, fighting and wild exaggerations from mom even before the dementia. I have been caring for them for 8 years with only the barest mimimum help from lvn sister. (She begrudgingly took mom for 2 days in all of 2016, but only after weeks of negotiations since she only wanted 1 night max) Sister is very well off via a divorce but gave a total of less than a cup of coffee daily for their combined upkeep, meds, special diets, clothes, transportation (3-5 dr. visits weekly between both). She also insists that I work full time as well which I did for over 6 years then part time and now mom is worse and dad useless by design so I had to give up even my part time job. Her guilt she deals with by spreading outrageous lies about me to the rest of the family who pretty much now hate me. Says she gives $500 a week but tells family not to help dad when he calls for financial help as it doesnt go yo them it goes to me! She gave a total of LESS than $500 A YEAR for each in total. She threatens, manipulates or bribes everyone to keep this the status quo. Said she is willing to "help" if parents move the hour away she lives and sign over all their earthly possessions to her first. Dad refuses as he is unsure she will do anything but dump them off somewhere once they are penniless. I am so desperate, exhausted, destitute that I told him to give it a trial run for a couple weeks so she knows how much care they actually need and if she can handle it. Without signing anything over of course. She is resistant to this and now so is he. Meantime I have no life, no friends, money, no family and am reduced to wearing clothes I find dumped near my house as even resale is out of the question after helping them pay medical bills for 8 years. At this point I still love them but I most certainly don't like them.

I have lived through this. My father was 100% disabled, in constant pain. The arguments were horrific. I hate to say this but my mother was impatient with my father but she took care of him. When he was in pain he was a terror. On the other hand, my mother fought back. This only complicated things. I and my sisters tried to intervene but to no avail. I am a very passive person, I won't even watch a TV show where the families fight. That is how miserable they made me and my sisters.
It not only made them miserable, it made us miserable too. There is really no solution to this problem. My father died suddenly. I could almost see the relief on my mother face. Yes, she did cry but it was short lived. It seems that when one suffers all suffers.
My mother remarried to a wonderful man and they live together happily for almost 20 years.
It may be time to put your mother in assisted living or a nursing home. He can visit and leave when things start to get out of hand. I know this is a hard thing to do, but sometimes to keep peace in the family something has to give.

My husband and I live with my mother as she is very negative. Yesterday we opened gifts and she actually did smile once. My brother came over and she immediately starts to get mean with me. I told her "if you start getting mean, they will go home and I will stay with you and let my family go have some fun and down time from you. Do you understand. She just looked at me and shook her head. Immediately her attitude change because she wanted my brother to be there yesterday. The way I look at it my mother will never be happy and she will never remember what I've told her but if it changes her attitude at the moment it's worth setting that boundary. My brother just looked at me and smiled. Her bitterness and being angry is her way she thinks of staying in control but it's not. We just keep smiling. She just came downstairs while I was typing and said where's my breakfast I said in the kitchen where it always is if you want it immediately you can go to a nursing home and have it served to you. I am not your personal nurse if you want that we can visit a nursing home. She immediately stopped her demands and took a few minutes and came into the room. Just set boundaries it makes life easier for my mental health.

So sorry you have to deal with this! I find reflective listening (limit the time you listen) works so much better and makes your loved one feel heard and typically shortens the duration of the complaining. May God bless you and give you strength. Much love to you!

Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but knowing that there are others experiencing the same frustration and h*ll, does in a slight way, make one feel a bit better. Remember, you're not alone...there are other people that get you, albeit only a few.

Bob, you sound like an intelligent man and you have learned the way to handle problems. I also agree with you in that you can only be a partner in their negativity or an outsider just listening to them. Your choice. People tend to sound negative when they no longer have anyone who cares a lot about what happens to them. It's human nature to take care of yourself first and expect others to take care of themselves first. When they are obsessed with illnesses or have more than they bargained for, they start complaining about their lot in life. They just need to have someone who cares a whit about what they are going thru and if they don't get it, the people closest to them hears about it. If your mother did what the neurologist said, some of her complaining might go away so she doesn't do what he says. That's her way of connecting to the outside world that she's still here. It's easiest to not let them get in that position in the first place but once they're there, you'll need to find other methods. Remember, a person can only be used or manipulated up to the point of letting them do so and nothing more. Like Bob said, set up and maintain boundaries.. Tell your parents that they are negative and complaining while doing nothing to help themselves. You love them but as long as they are unwilling to help themselves, you will no longer be a partner in their negativity. You will always be someone who will help them get to a doctor, help them get to a pain specialist for meds or any other doctor they may need but you will not listen to any more negativity. Tell them to call you when they are ready to deal with the problems of meds and pain because you have heard all you are going to hear. Then go home and enjoy the peace and quiet. When the calls of complaint start, just get off the phone. When the emails come, just hit delete. Set up a day each week when you offer to take them out to dinner or somewhere shopping. Otherwise, you don't want to hear all the carping and whining. They really want someone to DO something about it and sometimes no one can do anything about it. It is what it is and it must be accepted. Only go thru what you have allowed yourself to go thru and nothing more. Good luck and I hope it works out. Maybe a NH would be best for the pair. Then the aides and nursing staff can listen to them and they have meds to calm them down and stop complaining. It might be worth the money just to make these changes.

I know exactly what you are going through, in my case i live at home with both of them. Dad is the one with Alzheimer's and mum is a caregiver. I am the primary caregiver to both of them. It was hard enough growing up with unhappy, bitter people who hated each other and now it is amplified to the max. It feels like my childhood h*ll just got worse. Nobody understands unless you are in this situation yourself. But it's not like you can extract yourself either. I feel bad too, knowing that time is limited but at times I feel like I'm going to implode. I'm doing this alone, no help from friends or family at all... It's h*ll! But just when I think that I'm going to lose it, I always find a little more strength. Keep the faith... I know, it's hard. Sorry I can't offer any solution.

Good straight forward answer Bob...plainly stated! May need talk therapy to get help with detaching ...like the part..you don't have to address every complaint. A good mantra to store in your thoughts...it's like...you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. Self talk is very helpful for me.

You are dealing with a massive dilemma. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be.

My comment will likely sound blunt. I suggest you consider not taking calls except once in the morning for 15 minutes, and once in the evening for another 1 minutes. Likewise you may also not answer emails except once a day..

Learn to ignore their negative mannerisms...One does not have to respond to every complaint.

The word that comes to mind is "detachment" and I learned about it from folks whose loved ones were alcoholics or drug addicts. The basis of it is that no one can change the behavior of another person, but we can distance ourselves from it.

I sense that my response is disjointed, but the gist of it is: be civil, be helpful and yet maintain a balance by not fretting about their situation everey waking moment...Set up and maintain boundaries...

Grace + Peace,
Bob

Refuse to let them bring you down. Say something like "when you can be less acrimonious, I will respond. Otherwise, I will not."

Hi Ann, I'm in the same boat as everyone in this thread. My mom is 86, is in poor health, lives 1 hour from me and her negativity is incredibly toxic. She has no friends and no other family members. She never goes out except to pick up groceries. She is obsessed with her health but refuses to go to the doctor. Still driving and should not be. Will not agree to outside help or even have her groceries delivered. She has signs of dementia and it is getting worse daily. I so understand the tremendous toll it takes on us. I dread seeing her or even talking to her on the phone. Today (Christmas) was a disaster. Told me she never wanted to talk to me or see me ever again. I need to place her in an assisted living but don't know how I will muster the energy. My heart aches for her but I see the toll it is taking on me. On my drive home today I commited to my self that I have to be #1 and take care of myself. One day at a time.

myrealtygal, does your mother somehow know that 30-40% of caregivers die before the recipients of the caregiving?

If my mother lived with us, I could easily see that being the case.

Actually, I have had it easier than I expected since my mother stopped driving. She hurt her leg, and doesn't go out much at all (so my fears of her demanding to go here and there haven't been realized). Some weeks she doesn't go out at all. And her friend volunteered to take her to Mass every Sunday morning (as long as she's in town) -- hurray!

I took my mother to the neurologist last week, because she's experiencing increasing numbness in her feet. It was a rather long appointment, as my mother had a lot to say. She was not happy when the neurologist told her not to use the term "toxicity" in regards to Vitamin B6 (this has been her obsession for the past 10 or so months, as her Vitamin B6 level was high in one test). He said he'd write an rx for home PT to help her with her balance. But she doesn't want to do it. Now she says she will do it when her knee is all better (her knee may never be all better again). She did balance therapy previously (at the PT center), and doesn't want to do it again.

So be it. She's going to write a letter to the neurologist, telling him she isn't going to consider it until her knee is better. She is also not going to make the suggested 5 - 8 week follow-up appointment with him. She's in charge of her own health, and I'm not going to waste my time or breath trying to convince her of anything.

The neurologist also said she would benefit from something to take the edge off all of her anxieties. Of course my mother wouldn't hear of it. (OF COURSE!)

I am visiting AgingCare on Christmas morning after my 89-yr-old mother's "Merry Christmas" greeting in the hopes of getting some advice and comfort.
It seems that, unfortunately, I am not alone in my situation. My mother has also been negative, self-centered, and demanding her entire life (even making her greater love for my father well known to me and my sister when we were children) and it's all worse now at her age.

We have lived together for 22 years and I am her primary chauffeur, chef, problem-solver and everything else as she doesn't drive and is a loner who has no friends or outside activities. She has also become a minimalist, preparing for the eventuality of her passing "so you don't have to get rid of the old lady's junk".

I just happened to stay in bed 30 minutes longer this Christmas morning.
When I went to her room to greet her, we both said "Good Morning and Merry Christmas" and hugged. Then she said "this will be our last Christmas together. What would I do if I found you dead in bed? I'd be left with all of your stuff to get rid of and I'd have to call a dump truck! My friend has people to help her around the house at her age." (Her friend lives in assisted living.) Mom won't let me change her sheets, etc, because she wants to complain about having to do it.

I was both shocked and hurt that she would be more concerned about how my unexpected passing would affect her and I calmly said "Okay, we'll start looking for a facility for you in January if that's what you want."

I had always thought she'd rather be in our home with a spacious bedroom with private bath than sharing a room with a stranger and having no choice on what she would eat or watch on tv, but I'm suffering having to be around her negativity. I'm a Realtor and trying to get out the door with a smile on my face is a challenge.

Thank you for letting me vent.
Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas. 2017 is a new year.

So you are telling us your parents have always been negative, treated you badly as a child and now that they are elderly they are continuing this? Why would you feel guilty for not wanting this treatment? Stop punishing yourself. It sounds like they did plenty to you and now that you are an adult, you can put a stop to it. There is a procedure to deaden the pain in the spine called "ablation" with a nerve block affecting the painful area. Medicare pays for these treatments (I know because I've had two done spread 9 months apart). Another treatment is acupuncture, and if done by an osteopathic doctor, again Medicare will pay for treatments. I am having treatments for my wrist nerve damage and she helps with migraines too. This dr. was a Marine who went to Afghanistan to train other doctors how to give acupuncture to our soldiers. I also found in my nursing practice, patients always complain loudest when a family member is within hearing distance. Get some professional help for your parents, talk very little to them, and keep your own sanity by not being around them. No one needs to have people in their life with these kinds of attitudes. Get other friends and contacts to help you cope without them because one day you will be free from this negativity. Merry Christmas!

Have they tried a pain clinic? They may be able to help with the pain in non
medical ways. Call a clinic and ask about it. .

Anne3447 Anne good guestion. I look forward to the insight that the caregivers will give. I find myself just staying mute because I just don't know what to say. I don't want to hear the details of mom's bowel movements. I can't say how gross it was for my husband to step in her "droppings" so I say nothing. We just pretend the chicken came in to visit. My husband is marvelous. Take care and thank you

Dear Ann, I'm so sorry, I know its a lot for a daughter to cope with in the face of so much negativity. We all do the best we can. Are there any community resources that could help your elderly parents? Home Care? Evaluation from a doctor about their moods? I know there are no easy answers. I too started distancing myself from my dad when he was so negative. But in hindsight it was a mistake. I feel now I should have tried harder to understand him or help him. Even if they don't want your help, I would least try and access some community resources. Pleas take care and I hope things get better for your mom.

I don't see how you can avoid distancing yourself at least somewhat and still keep your sanity. And what good would you be to them if you are insane?

The emails should be fairly easy. Skim them very quickly and reply "I am sorry you had so many problems today."

Cut phone calls short. Try redirecting the conversations. I doubt that will be totally successful, but it might work a little. Do what you have to do to protect yourself from all that negativity.

I wonder what would happen if you asked for their advice? "Mom, when you boil potatoes do you put them in the cold water, or start the water boiling first?" Might you be able to get into a little discussion about cooking? (Or any subject she might know/have an opinion about.) "Dad, my leg muscle is sore. Do you think I should put a heating pad or ice pack on it?" It doesn't have to be a real concern and you don't have to follow their advice. But might it get them on a different topic for a while?

Yes, one day they will not be here. That is the natural order of things. If all goes well our parents die before we do. It will not be your fault. There is not need to feel guilty. Do the best you can now, but accept that you are not perfect and have your own limits. It sounds like you are a very loving and patient daughter, and it is OK to meet your own needs while caring for your parents.