How do you handle caregiver fatigue and exhaustion?

I've only been caregiving for a few weeks it feels like a few years. I'm used to doing 12 hour shifts and working overtime but this is harder than an 18 hour shift it's never ending we can't leave the house together if one of us runs to the store we literally run my father in law naps off and on during the day he's really frail when he's awake he wants someone to listen to him reminisce he's had a very interesting life but I wish I had time to myself. We get 4 hours of respite care per month & I used that having dental work done. My husband is here at my FILs he very disabled but can care for himself. He has cardiac & back problems. I worry that this will kill him. I'm pretty heathy knock on wood but I feel like I could sleep for a week. I guess this is normal caregiver life. We started care because dad was hospice and he wanted to spend his dad's last months with him. He's graduating from hospice which is wonderful the only problem is the support we receive from them will be gone We are buying so many of the DME meds etc that he needs we can't afford to pay for respite and his dad has too much money to qualify for free/low cost care. His dad has signed over POA to another sibling who will not pay so going to have to learn to live with less sleep. I imagine I'll get used to it. Now I'm going to eat breakfast. I know it's 10 pm & hope to sleep.

I am in the same boat and it is really affecting my health - so I am bound and determine to get one parent into daycare. This is the best I can tell you - get some time off for yourself

It might sound so banal, but you HAVE to force yourself to rest and eat right.
Yes, you did make that first step admitting that you are in trouble. Now you should really think about what will happen with your loved one if you collapse??? So, start your day with 10 minutes exercise (simply jump up and down and stretch), take vitamins (D, E, B). Yes, get new gel-pad for your mattress if you can't get now mattress, eat more fresh produce and cut off bread and sugar. Drink plenty of water.... listen to the music while doing chores.
Even if you can't have extra time for relaxation, you will feel better if do those few improvements, but you should reach out for help. Call family, friends, community volunteers or church members to give you few hours break once in a while.

I learned recently that those who do not get enough sleep cannot "catch up" with a few 12-hour nights. It's best to work in 1/2 to 3/4 hour more sleep a night over a long period of time ~ much easier said than done! I do not know your situation or finances, but here are a few ideas:
1) Gently, gradually work your loved one's schedule back to where YOU can go to bed earlier too. Perhaps a little more walking, exercise or enjoyable activity would tire her/him out for an earlier bed time. I had to move my mother's bedtime up 1/2 hour so to have a little time for myself. I put on a CD when she got into bed ~~ music she enjoyed and it was a "treat" as well.
2) Check with your local Alzheimer's or Senior's assistance agency and ask if there are "Respite Grants" available. We easily qualified for $750.00 toward having competent care in the house, which gave me many hours to nap or get away. Your area Health Department may know of something like this also.
3) Absolutely do NOT underestimate how mental and emotional stress make you feel tired. I can not survive a day without some "ME" time. We set up a treadmill, a TV, Wii Fit and a comfy chair in the garage so I can escape to exercise or read for ten minutes here and there. When my daughter needs to study, she goes out there and has a cozy side table and foot rest, instant peace and quiet.
4) Please keep appointments with your own doctor! Sometimes bloodwork shows vitamin deficiencies, or a good doctor will pick up on things you are not seeing. There are often small changes, nutritional foods or over-the-counter aids that can boost you out of exhaustion.
5) Realize that you can not do your best for your loved one if you are not at your best. YOU ARE THE PRIORITY. Check health insurance, Medicaid, Medicare, etc. to find who will cover companion or nursing care in your home in order to give you a break. Don't know if your loved one can go out to adult day programs, but this has helped other caregivers I know find time for self and rest.

I wish you the best. You are in my prayers.

I appreciate every post here and thank you all. I am 63 and times feel 103. I have been caregiving since I was 36. My Dad first, then both and now Mom has lived with me for 6 years. She is able to transfer and do some walking. She has had so many problems I won't list them. She also has a Foley Catheter. I feel like everyday there is a new scary problem to deal with. I can't get out and hiring someone is so expensive! My Mom doesn't want anyone else to care for her, I know that shouldn't matter and I have had some help. I just try to think about maybe one movie or activity that we can both enjoy. I love to read or watch a silly old sitcom. I will even put makeup on even though no one will see or care. Little simple things are surprisingly helpful. Keep the faith friends! We are lucky to have each other! Prayers for you all!

I have taken care of my FIL 24/7 for over a year now. I am numb. I think i use to be depressed but i dont no what i am anymore. found out the other day i have ulcers. Please take my advice get help

Whitney the term "caregiver" applies to not only the one you are caring for, but you need to care for yourself in order to care. If you are tired after sleeping all night ask your doctor to do a sleep apnea test on you. You could also check your thyroid and other disease processes that could be causing the tiredness (low iron, B-12 deficiency, electrolyte imbalance, etc.). The best way I know of getting relief is to take time for yourself, do nothing, or do something you enjoy - go to a movie, to a park, library, shopping. I find whenever I go to Walmart, there are such diverse and unique individuals, I lose myself and thoughts into the surroundings and it is an escape. You can also go to a huge mall and just people watch. Find out which one works for you. You cannot find relief unless you give yourself time with you. Best wishes.

This is for Getnstrong, regarding your fatigue, I have been drop dead exhausted at times too and finally found out I was deficient in vitamin B-12, strange how are bodies work but once I started taking at least 1200mg. per day my energy level picked up, just a thought….sounds like you have a lot to juggle…take care.

I just go for a 1/2 hour walk everyday with some music to keep my mined occupied. I feel better and actually lose some weight. Exercise is a major stress reliever, try to fit it into your daily routine.

I have read all the comments so far and can relate to most, I also just read the article on "You are what you think" and positive thinking however I find it is impossible to be positive all day every day, I acknowledge the few tasks that my husband can still do and he feels appreciated then as there are so many things he does that causes the opposite reaction, no matter how hard I try it is not in me to be happy when the first thing that greats me in the morning is the smell of strong urine, I have to wear a washable shoe into the bathroom and start my day cleaning and wiping down everything just so I can do it again after the next time he uses the bathroom…it is wearing to say the least, he usually does not even know but when he does he
apologizes and then I say honey I know it is not your fault and we both feel bad. So the idea of getting up making the coffee and having a cup sitting enjoying the morning sun and maybe reading a chapter is a pipe dream. I would love to get up and get in a 20 minute walk out in the fresh air but then worry that he might get up and slip and fall in the bathroom due to the wet floor…priorities… I can't even go to the Dr.s by myself, my shadow has to accompany me, and if I say to him now please stay here and I won't be long…fairly would he still be there, he would decide to use the facilities and then forget about going back to the waiting room and be gone…the same thing happens when I just want to run into a store or pharmacy for a minute and he will disappear, one day after I put the things into the car it took me over half an hour to find him, the next time it had t pick up a few things I took him and had him hold on to the cart, every time he tok his hand off to wander off I just took it and put it back to the cart handle, it was better than loosing him again….
So stress, exhaustion, lack of time for self….hard to be happy when this is my life and know it is only going to get worse, yes I have a support group and yes we do laugh and it feels wonderful put that good feeling is short lived once back home. But there are 24 hours in the day and I am not always down, we do have our good, no great moments, and I cherish those, that is what keeps me going….thanks, I always feel better after I vent knowing there are you folks out there like you understanding me….

To add to what those who said that it's the stress that reals tires you out, here's an example: My Mom had a huge and dramatic fall a couple days ago. I could only helplessly watch it happen. I was so stressed-out, partly by the event, partly by the silly guilt I felt for "letting" it happen, that I was totally wiped-out for the rest of the day. And I didn't sleep well, either, as I had strange dreams and nightmares all night.

But your other thought, that it could be that you do too much when you're able, that's probably a good place to start, too.

When I'm tired, I just do less. It's not an option to do nothing, so I just do less. Also, I just spend less time listening to my Mom on those days. On the good days, she gets a good listener. On my tired days, she probably feels a bit ignored. Also, I make sure she does less. Since I have to help her with everything, I try to find the littlest and easiest things for her to do on those days when I'm tired. I'm also most likely to stick her in front of the TV or radio on those days.

Mom is in a facility, and fairly independent, so my physical duties are few, consisting of taking her shopping, MD apptmts, etc. But she has a personality disorder and recently diagnosed with dementia, and the emotional stress exhausts me.
In October I had shoulder surgery, then preparing for Christmas, and I had to put my beloved dog to sleep, and lost a friend of 30 yrs. and my brother died Christmas day(not unexpected as he had been in a facility for years due to alcohol induced dementia) also my daughter adopted a baby with HLHS, a serious heart defect who was born Dec. 5th.
All of a sudden my exhaustion became so bad that I would literally have to lie down or feel like I would fall down. Visiting the baby, I had to lie down on the couch in the hospital and fell asleep for several hours. At home I could sleep all night and still sleep 5 hrs during the day. Went to the MD and I was tested for thyroid and Epstein Barr Virus. Turns out I was positive for Epstein Barr, and the evidence confirmed that I'd had it in the past, which explained why every once in a while I'd feel like I had the flu---achy, very tired, needed to sleep for a few days and then felt better. I told the doctor that I can wake up one day and feel great, and go like normal, then the next day I'm so exhausted I can hardly move. He said that was very symptomatic of EBV, which was why he tested me.
I say all this in hopes that anyone with extreme fatigue doesn't just assume it's emotional exhaustion, but may actually be a physical problem which is exascerbated by the stress.
Interestingly enough while I was away for a month with my new grandbaby, I had some days where I slept 12 hrs, but was generally much better. Now that I'm home again and dealing with Mom and the prospect of the baby's upcoming heart surgery, I am having the symptoms again. So now I'm aware, and yesterday slept for 5 hrs, and last night slept for 12 hrs. Nothing but rest seems to help. I have the luxury of taking care of myself, which I know many of you do not, but now that I've been diagnosed with an actual illness, I am less hard on myself when it comes to Mom, and I can just tell her "I'm sorry, I don't feel well today". Get tested if you are always tired.

I agree with everyone else and just want to say again...

You are normal to be tired. Caregiving is very, very hard work and it's almost imperceptible how exhausting it can be sometimes.

You should rest if you feel you need to. Recognize that when you are healthy you will be a better caregiver. You need a life too. The time you take to take good care of yourself is OK. Do it.

After you have rested:

Try to get out, connect with others and find joy in your community!

Whitney, all of these responses say the same thing, and I will too: you absolutely need to get some respite care. I am 77 and caring for my 89 year old husband who has rapidly advancing dementia. He has needed considerable assistance for the last five years, but since last November, he can do almost nothing. I have had help with caring, but only enough to be able to get to my own doctor appointments, take care of business needs, and occasionally get with friends for an hour or so. It has completely worn me down and I am now as a result having health problems of my own. I know it is a struggle to feel o.k. about taking time for yourself, but it really is essential. I am presently dealing with burnout, and only that has made it possible for me to say, "I matter too." Don't wait until you get to that point. Do it now. You matter.

I have cared for my mum who has lived with us for seven years now, and for eight years before that when she was still able to live alone. Only someone who has been in this situation can really appreciate the mental, emotional and physical exhaustion this brings. From my own experience, I felt guilty when I first had to resort to a carer to help get my mum up, then it progressed to two carers to do this, and then the same to put her to bed, and then the same for toileting in the middle of the day. I have to turn her in her bed even though it has an air mattress every night before I go to bed, so in order to even out the time she spends on each side, I go to bed late at 1.00 am and consequently, I wake up feel absolutely whacked. I have some advice: firstly tap into each and every agency and voluntary organisation you can find to see what respite help you can get. Now, I organise days to myself by using one care worker for a couple of hours, then another, and then another so that there is seamless cover and I can actually leave the house. Secondly, ensure that when you do have a care worker in you remove yourself from your house and go for a walk to clear your head, become energised, and generally feel part of society again. Thirdly, do as already suggested, and try to get a live-in carer so you can go away for a week or even longer. The first time I did this I felt so much guilt and when I called home I was horrified to learn that my mum was playing up and wouldn't co-operate with the carers. I had to steal myself not to get on a plane and go back home. Now, I realise that feeling guilty is not productive. If you don't get some rest yourself you will go under and there won't be anybody to look after your parent. I found that when I looked at the situation more objectively, it became easier for me to plan some time for myself. Good luck.

Caring for a loved one is exhausting. The physical portion of it difficult depending on the issues your loved one has. I have found that the mental part of caregiving is just as exhausting as the physical side. Reconciling your parents/loved ones behavior not with how it was when they were younger - can be daunting. Find some yoga and meditation classes, support groups, a good counselor to talk to, and most of all eat right and get enough rest.

Hi Whitney, yes this is very, very common. You are doing a full time job, taking care of someone is very taxing. My suggestion to you is to take a minute in the morning before you start your day and take some time for you. Get a cup of tea, read, look at a show that makes you laugh, and then start. You have to think about you first. Also get some type of a hobby, bowling, bingo, painting potery. This will help you to relax and focus on you instead of others. If you don't take time for you, then you will burn out, and then someone else will have to take care of you. Be blessed, and I will be praying for you EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can relate to this!! It's a rare morning that I wake up not exhausted. My Mom often wakes me up during the night, and like Eyrishlass mentioned, I often think I hear her and jump out of bed for nothing! It's kind of like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome! Geez. I just wanted to chime in to let you know you're not alone. I just plug along, keeping things as scheduled and orderly as possible seems to help. I can't even get a small afternoon nap anymore, as my Mom seems to never need an ounce of sleep. She DOES at least go to bed around 9PM. But that doesn't leave me much time for myself, as I'm so tired by then, what can I do? Not much, that's for sure. I make sure to go out w/ my husband at least once a week in the evening. That get away helps. Otherwise, everywhere I go.....so goes my shadow. I love her, though. But......HELP! :-/

I handle it by taking the day off - I may not be able to get out my caregiving responsibilities but I can go a day without cleaning! I can declare a day of rest for myself.

If only it were possible to take a day off.

Are there many jobs where one must be on duty and/or on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week? If so, I bet they pay a LOT better.

Community resources are great and sometimes stretched beyond their limits. Still, it’s good to check into it. We're on the waiting list at our local Council on Aging, hoping for respite care. However, Mom's behavior has become so unpredictable that I might just worry about her the whole time.

Truly speaking, the best remedy is to look within for the strength to go on, rather than focus on outer circumstances. Meditation and yoga provide restorative rest and rehabilitation. It’s best to receive instruction before trying these, in person with someone who can give you feedback, for safety’s sake. Unhappily, caregivers don't have much freedom to attend classes. But maybe there’s someone who will come to you?

Good luck and God bless.

We hear you! I could have written your post -- in fact, I have been tempted to write in lately with the same question. Lately I have been worn out and have been trying going for more walks, swimming, working through the fatigue, and gardening. Getting outside really seems to help, and getting things done makes me feel better. A few weeks ago someone drove into us and totaled our car --so on top of all the normal things I've had to add trips to a physical therapist and car buying to the list of things to do. Cathy24 is right -- sometimes you just have to laugh.

I found caregiving exhausting and if you read through the posts here you will find that caregivers are exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. I know it's the hardest thing I ever did and I did it for years. I get exhausted just thinking about it. Like you I woke up exhausted and I would jump up in the middle of the night thinking that I heard my dad calling for me. I'd scurry down to his room and realize that I had just dreamed it. I was even caregiving in my sleep!

In my opinion unrelenting exhaustion can lead to physical illness and depression. We have to guard against becoming sick ourselves and if you're feeling exhausted on a regular basis it's time for a break. A trip to your Dr. would be a good idea too.

I too think you should take advantage of services available at your Area Agency on Aging. You absolutely need to get help, ask for help and take any one's offer for help. If you can, set up a regular schedule for yourself to exercise. I'm not kidding, it makes all the difference in the world.
My advice is to laugh as much as you can. Watch funny tv and funny movies. It puts your mind in another place. I write a blog of comedy for caregivers called "you just have to laugh......" at website: cathysikorski. You are welcome to read and have a chuckle.
In the meantime, know that caregiving is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Not just physically. So, if you are otherwise in good health, and you should go to the doctor as well, it's the burdens you are carrying that make you wake up tired. Best of luck!

I would really encourage you to get some respite care... this is someone to come and stay with your loved one while you go and get your hair done or go out to lunch with a friend or run errands, go to the Doctor for yourself. MOST home care agencies have folks trained to go that. Please think seriously about it also think about a support group. Many Many people find them very helpful to know you are NOT alone is comforting. Check with the Area Agency on Aging in your community or call the Doctor's office and ask if they know of a support group in your area. I live in rural SW Iowa and we have actually 2 or 3 that I know of. take care and God Bless!!!

Caregiving is a very stressful task, it may even result to emotional and physical stress. You should be able to take care of yourself so you will be an effective caregiver. I have published an article for caregivers who are exhausted from their task of providing care to long term care recipients at infolongtermcare:
www.infolongtermcare.org/senior-caregiver-support/tips-for-caregivers/effective-stress-relief-for-caregivers/
www.infolongtermcare.org/senior-caregiver-support/tips-for-caregivers/
Take time to check them out, it also include caregiver support organization if in case you needed one.

It might sound stupid, but how old is your mattress? Try one of those cool-foam mattresses . And if your significant other snores like a lumberjack, sleep in a spare room. It helps.