How do you handle being the child in your demented parents mind?

Follow
Share

My dad disagrees with most things I say. My friend says he is contrary. It's amazing actually. Almost every time I say something he responds in the opposite. Is it because he still sees me as a kid (which would explain his shock when I tell him I am almost 59 years old)?

He is 86 and alcoholic too. He lives on an acre of land that needs mowing, etc. I tell him we (he should let me) hire someone to mow because it is too much for us (my husband and I) to do. My husband and I spend weekends there working. I clean and cook and hubby fixes broken things and does yard work. Dad doesn't want to hire anyone to do anything. I don't fee like we can let it go because of the fire danger (here in CA) the county is making people keep weeds and grasses down. Should I let the yards go and then hope that he realizes he needs the help? He says if I hire someone he will tell them they are fired. Also, he would have to pay for it because I don't have the extra money.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
4

Answers

Show:
My parents [mid-90's] won't blow the dust off their wallets, either. So what happens is that we wind up enabling them to continue to live in a home that is too much work for them.

By not hiring someone gives the elder a feeling of being more independent.... yeah right, they are independent and we are exhausted :P

I have waved my Medicare card and my AARP membership in front of my parents and it still hasn't clicked in to them that I am a senior citizen myself with my own age decline issues. Yes, we will always be the "child" [I am pushing 70], with the parent still thinking we are 20 something and can do everything.

My parents finally had a wake-up call when I broke my shoulder last month [I wouldn't recommend doing that] to finally think it might be time to hire people to help. When Dad grumbled about his yard, I gave him the name of my landscaper that I am now using. Sorry, guilt isn't go to work this time, I can't drive for 3 months. It is so nice seeing my yard being cared for by a group of fellows who take their time making it look fantastic :)

So Janny, your Dad isn't going to hire anyone because he knows that you and your hubby will do it for him, and for free.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Just tell him you are willing to help with..... But you are unable to do...... Let him know that you are not doing many things at your home. Here is the number of a yard guy and he charges.... I wanted my parents to hire someone to clean because I just couldn't take care of them, 2 houses and my kids. They were Leary about having a stranger come in the house. I found a mom of one of my kids friends who cleaned houses . It was one if the best things I never did. My dad would say it is really dusty in here and I would say I am sorry but I have other priorities. Wasn't easy but he finally agreed. I made sure I was there the first time she came. Good luck
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I think I would act depending on how advanced his dementia is. It sounds like he's not acting rationally. Maybe, a county employee can step in and give him official notice that the grass has to be cut. Maybe a fine or paying out large sums of money if it causes damage would work.

The problem is that with most dementia patients, reasoning doesn't work and they will ignore the obvious, so no notice or reasoning is likely to help. In those cases, the adult child has to step in and take control or notify Adult Protective Services so they can intervene.

If he would still be deemed competent, then there's not much you can do, except appeal to his sense of reason and to protecting his home from fire damage. How do you think he would do on a Mini Mental Examination? You can find them online. They ask questions about date, time, location, and to remember and recall 4 words. They may ask them to count, make change, draw a figure, etc. Do you think he could all of that? For people who are still competent, it's difficult to save them from themselves.

I hope others here can give you more ideas. What about getting goats to eat the grass and weeds? I don't know anything about goats. lol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Just be careful that you do not start taking over too many duties. My sister did that - and died suddenly. Make some arrangements, like getting POA and looking at nursing homes, so you are not blind sided when the time comes, to move your dad.

Do you know where to locate the will, living will, banks accounts and insurance policies?

Hopefully, he is not driving.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions