how to handle bathing for my husband with severe mobility issues?

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Skin infections becoming a serious concern. I am having hygiene issues with my husband. He does not have dementia. He's just naturally stubborn. He is also incontinent ( both ways) and not able to stand more than 30 seconds. If I can get him into a wheelchair, there is no guarantee he can get back out, so 911 must be called for help. His last, full-body shower was before Halloween. I wipe him down with the rinseless soap a few times a week, but his skin is breaking down. He has severe psoriasis, angry scabs on legs and elbows. All creases of his body are red and inflamed and his buttocks have actual "ridges" of skin on them. The skin actually bleeds "back there". Hubby is a large guy, over 350 lbs. In-home caregivers would have to come as a team. We do not have a walk-in shower, nor can we afford one. I have an inaccessible tub. I have purchased a sliding shower bench, but with his current immobility getting him on and off it is impossible and dangerous. It's just as difficult to get him to a doctor's office. He needs an MRI, but we can't get him to the facility-and to the machine with just transportation from door to door. It usually takes 3 or 4 Firemedics to lift him into his chair when we call. We need so much help, home care, financial advice, burnout counseling, etc. that I am not sure whom to call! His doctor says call 911 and have him admitted through emergency, then tell the staff his doctor recommends an MRI. Things continue to slide rapidly downhill here and I am afraid one day I will leave and just decide not to come back.

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Somehow I posted the same response twice. I can edit them, but apparently can't delete one of them. Sorry!
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Oh my, this is so sad! Your mother is in a nursing home so I assume you understand the concept that people can get beyond the point where they can safely be cared for at home. I'm afraid that is where your husband is at right now. Wouldn't it be a relief to visit him as a loving wife, and not his hands-on caregiver? Having him in an appropriate setting might actually improve your relationship.

I am so sorry that you are both in this situation. I think that doing your best for him would involve finding a place where he can get the care he needs.

If he is on disability he is automatically qualified for Medicaid. Have your pursued that?
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You say that he refuses to bathe, but naturally stubborn. He apparently expects you to do "all the heavy lifting" as it were. It's sounds like you are his servant, honestly. If his issues are that complicated, you really ought to get him evaluated psychologically once you get him into the ER. It sounds like he's not putting any effort into living, and you are too close to him to make him "obey" you, the caretaker. See if he qualifies for a gastric band with his conditions.

And I would not blame you if you refused to sign for his discharge or went home to mama. I would not be at someone's beck and call if he refuses my help for basics like hygiene. This falls under in sickness and in health, but he needs more treatment for sickness, mental and physical, than you can provide.
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What does his doctor attribute his incontinence to? It sounds like he is totally disabled? Is he on disability? Has he appointed you as DPOA and HCPOA? I'd consult with an attorney about that immediately if you wish to act on his behalf.

It sounds like you are not set up to provide the care he needs and that getting it done is not financially feasible. Plus, you would need teams of people to handle his daily personal care. I'd explore where to apply for benefits on his behalf. Sometimes that is done with the county/state Dept. of Social Services. Ask where he can be reviewed for all services, especially for the disabled. They may need documentation from his doctor that he requires special care. They also review financial records to confirm if he qualifies financially, as you have to have limited income and assets. I'd see an expert like an Elder Law attorney about the details.

I'd seek help sooner than later, since his condition could be considered unacceptable by county officials. Also, I'd reconsider whether he is competent, since refusal to allow cleaning of the body sounds indicative of some kind of cognitive decline.
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My guess is that he has developed a skin fungus. You need a good antifungal powder with miconazole 2% in it. Available at any drugstore in the foot department. You can also get this as a cream in the feminine hygiene department.
Ideally he should see a dermatologist.
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Sorry Hugemom, it really does sound as though he needs to be somewhere that they have lifts and multiple young, strong, trained caregivers. It would be different if he would try to help you by being less confrontational and by doing some PT to regain his mobility, but when he resists care he hurts himself and I have no doubt it is also taking a toll on your health.
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