How do I handle an aunt who is trouble starter?

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My Mom (widowed) is in assisted living. She has dementia, highly suspect for Alzheimer's. We haven't been able to do an MRI due to her having a pacemaker. I'm an only child with the support of a wonderful husband and daughter. I have medical and financial poa. Today we found a note in my Mom's room with phone numbers to an attorney referral service. The writing belongs to my aunt (Mom's sister). We don't get along. We don't talk, which is fine with me because I don't need the added stress. My Mom has been on aricept for about 3 weeks and it has helped. Before she started it however, she was very up/down with accepting where she is now living. She was having a very hard time with us getting her house ready to rent out. She thought we 'wanted her house'. She threatened to get a lawyer to make sure I didn't 'do anything to her house'. But since the aricept, she has been more reasonable. Finding the note today (under her clock in her nightstand) tells me my aunt is a trouble starter. This woman does not know my Mom's diagnosis. She hasn't called me. She doesn't help other than say negative things about me. At least that's how it feels. I guess it would be more fair to say that she doesn't have anything positive to say. She brings my Mom snacks (mom is also diabetic). Is there a legal move I have to keep her from seeing my Mom if it gets to that point?

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Why don't you call the attorney referral service yourself and explain the situation? That would block off that avenue.

If your aunt were really out to cause trouble, she'd have made an appointment for your mother, not just left some telephone numbers.

I do know what it's like not to get along with a family member you can't simply show the door. It's very frustrating and irksome and I sympathise. But having said that, you're going to find it a lot easier to stop your aunt bringing your mother unsuitable food treats and stirring up trouble if you do talk to her; then you can tell her - just for starters - a) that your mother has dementia and therefore is not going to be able to give valid instructions to a lawyer and b) that she is diabetic and it is detrimental to her wellbeing to be brought snacks: perhaps your aunt could bring her a favourite magazine or a pretty plant instead?

You don't have to be best best friends or anything, but if you can manage a civil conversation it will be much better than trying to guess what she'll get up to next.
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Given the good advice above, you could be pro-active and call the attorney for a brief visit yourself. Even the recommended attorney that the aunt gave your Mom.
It might be a good investment to protect your position down the road.
Make sure the attorney knows that any future consultations will be at the expense of the aunt. Ask him to put his recommendations to you in writing. Then, keep them, or share them.
You never know what your Mom is telling her sister. All this concern could be quite normal family interactions.
Hoping this is helpful for you, and that you no longer have to tolerate Aunt's behavior in addition to caring for your Mom, and her legal, written instructions to you. Be confident.
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You can also try to fake out the aunt.

Put an official looking sign on mom's door, in a plastic sleeve protector, that says "Diabetic Diet - no outside food or drink".

If you feel brave, you could call or visit this aunt and just say that you understand she has some concerns over your mom and you'd like to know what they are. Just listen to her and try not to be defensive. This will give you great insight into her motives and understandings. You may or may not be able to correct any of it, but you will at least have more intel than when you started.

My mother's sisters would be nothing but trouble were she still living in that state! They are emotional cripples and absolutely can't cope with the realities of aging. I've never seen anything like it before.
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Even if your mom did try to hire an attorney, they would soon realize who they are dealing with and not take any actions. Make sure your POA document is "recorded" at the county recorder's office, so it is officially available in certified form should anyone need to request it.
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Dear 'only' - as to your aunt, some folks find it hard to see their family members decline and she may fear for her own future. Having said that, speak with the executie director at the AL. The one my Mom was in allowed me to decline visits from anyone I chose to place on the list! The Diabetes and snacks arriving is out of line. Tell the director what you have found and ask for guidance. (They may be able to check Mom's room after visits from the aunt) Or, perhaps you can enlist the help of one of the aides and ask her/him to hold any food items that are brought in til you visit and assess them. They should be requested to check the room after visits. The one good thing about dementia and alzheimers is that you can just remove the food and attorney info and Mom won't miss it.

With you having POA and health care authority, your Mom can't hire an attorney anyway, especially in view of her illness.
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One thing that is worrisome is that Mom could revoke or change the POA. Hard to say what the Aunt is up to if anything but could she be looking at Moms money or just being meddlesome?

You might want to handle this gently with mom to avoid her getting paranoid and making your life miserable. Maybe even use "Theraputic Fibs". Don't talk about renting the house, it's waiting for her when she gets better etc. Tell her whatever she wants to hear to keep her calm and happy. With Auntie, you could try a diplomatic approach or take her head on. The worst case scenario is Mom gets hold of a lawyer and screws things up with the POA. Keep in mind the POA only allows you to do what she authorizes. When she is totally incompetent, which she may be now, you can do whatever needs to be done.

This is such hard stuff. I've been dealing with my Dads dementia, I have POA and Mom is still sharp mentally, but we have to totally keep him out of the loop and work around him.
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Thanks for the tip on letting the staff know. :) Will do asap. I do have medical and financial poa. I am a trustee of the family trust. She put everything in place after my Dad passed 9 years ago. I have been handling all her bills for the last 4 months. I'm on the bank accout and deed for the house. I feel so defeated that her sister would act this way.
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If you don't already have it, get medical and financial power of attorney now. Get control of the bills and finances and let the staff know about the aunt.

You probably can't legally keep her away but keep an eye out for as much as possible. if mom is uncooperative and deemed mentally competent you'll have to get guardianship to deal with her affairs and protect her from the Aunt.
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