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My grandmother is extremely needy and also is verbally and years ago was physically abusive. Just now she's calling me evil because I stood up to her and won't take the bullying and verbal abuse anymore. Yet she wishes ill will towards others hoping bad things happen to them primarily me since I am the one she singles out to bully and abuse. I have never wished ill will against my grandmother despite her verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive ways. She acts nasty towards me because I won't tolerate her abuse and I even told her you will not bully or abuse me anymore. Then she's saying things that's degrading to me and yet I'm wrong when I stick up for myself because I am to just take the abuse and deal with it. I told my grandmother that I didnt have to come back home to help care for her after I graduated college and my mother before she passed needed the help. I then further told her that you are not the nicest person around and nobody really calls you because you complain about everything and people stopped coming around because who wants to be around someone who's negative all the time and when I stood up and told her that she basically makes smart remarks since it was time someone stood up and said something and stopped standing down and accepting my grandmother's abusive ways. Am I wrong for standing up and telling her I had enough of the abusive comments and treatment. Not to mention my grandmother had also for years painted a negative picture of me telling other family members I can't take care of myself and that's because I won't and will not ask her for anything I support and take care of myself which is what my relatives are seeing now since everything my grandmother has said is flying out the window and being seen as BS.

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If you don't HAVE to be in her life, ie: caring for her directly, why stick around for this? You've proved her wrong--walk away!

The best "revenge" (and I hate to use that term) is to just prove her wrong by living a healthy and productive life.

You never "win" and argument with an elderly, crabby, negative relative. Don't even try. Be the bigger person and let it go.
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No, I don't think you were wrong in telling her that you're fed up with her attitude but I'm not sure it will do any good. From what you said it sounds like your grandmother has had these behavioral patterns for many, many years and is unlikely to change now. I see nothing wrong in getting your feelings off your chest if that was the sole purpose in doing so. If you're hoping she'll change I'm afraid you may be disappointed.
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You are quite correct, QueenBee1, to refuse to put up with bullying and abusive behavior from ANYONE, including an elderly grandmother. So I have to wonder why you do put up with it. Standing up to her is one thing, but refusing to even be present when she behaves that way is really the only thing that makes anyone's refusal to accept bullying "work". Why should she believe you "have had enough" when you keep coming back for more? I am truly sorry if I have misunderstood what you've said, but my impression is that you are simply talking back at your Grandma when she is nasty but that this is repetitive behavior for both of you. She's abusive and you verbally reject her abuse -- which is GOOD. But please ask yourself why should she believe her bad behavior won't have bad consequences when there never are any???? Clearly she's not persuaded nor put off by your verbal response. Am I correct that you do not/have not removed yourself from the situation even after you threaten not to "put up" with her behavior. Honey, if you stay, you ARE putting up with it -- speaking up just means you're telling her you don't LIKE it.

You are right, you didn't have to come home after college to "help care for her" and your mother before she passed -- so why did you? Have your reasons for coming home changed? I am so sorry for the loss of your mother; I know that was hard. Did she pass recently? My point is that Mom is no longer your reason for being there, so why are you? Are you living in your mother's or grandmother's home WITH grandma? Is living with her nasty and belittling behavior the price for staying, even if you are now redeemed in the eyes of your other family members? If so, please please ask yourself if it is worth it!

Has Grandma been diagnosed with dementia? I don't think we can assume, Thomas6011, that Grandma has dementia or, even if she does, that her behavior -- which sounds as if is LONGstanding -- is caused by that illness. [Such behavior caused by dementia is heart-breaking and SO hard on the caregivers like you, Thomas 6011. I hope your loved one soon passes thru this stage!] But lots of people have mental or personality disorders for years and years (or are just plain disagreeable because they choose to be) without having dementia, and it does sound to me as if there's a long term pattern here.

Perhaps if you gave us more information, QueenBee1: what's the rest of the story? You don't tell us how old you and Grandma are, if you are working, what other family members are nearby and what they do to help. What, exactly, it is that you do to care for your grandmother? If you will give some more information I think members of this community can make helpful suggestions for other ways Grandma could get whatever care it is that she needs so that you can walk away from this toxic relationship once and for all.

If you are looking for approval for sticking up for yourself and that's all you need, you have come to the right place. But if that isn't enough for you, you are in charge! I'm quite that you know by now that you can't change HER. But you CAN change YOU! What is it you want for yourself? I hope you do HELP make other arrangements for Grandma if that is necessary and then you do whatever you need to do to make YOUR life the one you want and dream of! Angels watch over you. Lolli
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This is not about elder care, this is about having the self-esteem not to put up with a thoroughly nasty person, whatever the relationship.
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My Moms neurologist says if they were nice bf Dementia they will be during Dementia. Same with mean. If they were nice now mean they were good at covering up the mean. Me, I would tell her I was no longer taking care of her. If she can't care for herself, she will need to go to a care facility. Its hard enough caring for a person without being abused.
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Why do you feel you should stick around for her abuse?
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I've lived your situation for 11 years. I am caregiver for my bitter, angry, alcoholic, 83 year old mother. Are you your grandmother's caregiver? Is she an alcoholic? If so, and if you intend to continue in this 'abused' role please seek out the help of AL-ANON. Adult children (grandchildren) of alcoholics have special needs that the rest of society don't understand. Call or go to any alcoholics anonymous meeting and those very helpful folks will direct you to their proper chapter.
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not sure if she has dementia or not but maybe she could use a dr. checkup and a med added to help w/depression if she has it.
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Who has the papers to care for her? Is she taking her medicine correctly? When is the last time she saw her doctor? What are her diagnosis? Is she a diabetic? I do not know where you are located but there are guardians appointed by the state that can oversee her care. Call you local Area on Aging and see if they can help you.
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I have been standing up to my mother while being her care taker and she's been living with me for two years now. She was an abusive mother during my childhood. I truly regret standing up to her because it got worse for me!!! Now I know why my father never stood up to her! Bullies like my mother will only come back at you harder in whatever manner they can!! They win! She's only nice when she is weak and sick. She has been jealous of her only daughter (me) her whole life. Also I have wicked sister-in-laws on top of it who click with her like a mean girl group lol. Pathetic!!! Everyone else is free from her and try to make me out to be the bad guy. Dysfunctional family games are very stressful. My whole family is poison, but here I am taking care of the b*tch!! lol Just know your a better person : ) It feels bad to speak about your own mother and family this way. But I'm tired of therapy. Peace
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