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@ macada
"I think a therapist who specializes in marital problems would be the best person to seek advice from."

That was not our experience. An experienced psychologist did couples counseling with us, which improved some issues. But it was an actual psychiatrist increasing his Bupropion that made the big difference!
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Medication might incidentally change his behavior to you. Our marriage had problems for years, most due to his undiagnosed diabetes and PTSD. Getting treatment for those helped. The last two years, after an INCREASE in dosage of Bupropion, have been very good!

Now I'm finding that a minor change in the "same drug" can undo all the benefits, eg changing manufacturer or changing from Immediate Release to Slow Release.
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I think you have to be very careful about your care giving to your spouse. You do not want to ever be accused of abusing or killing them.... you would be prosecuted. I would honestly see a therapist on an ongoing basis to try and keep your sanity. If the job becomes too much for you then I would seek a facility to place them in.

The behavior of a person who is ill and especially if they have a mental illness can get to be really bad, for others who were mean all their lives medication makes them meek and much easier to deal with. You have to weigh the pros and cons of doing this and if you need to check out of their life then do it. It is better to "leave" than to hate your spouse even more and take a chance on hurting them or being hurt yourself.
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This is something therapist Pauline Boss says, in her helpful book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia":
"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. ... These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."
...
"with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating for family member well. This may be the vest you can do given your history together."
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Tell us more about your situation. What are your biggest problems?

Sometimes "hateful" people end up on medication that makes them nicer people, and that would make your job easier.
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I am in the same situation after 30+ years of an emotionally, financially and verbally abusive marriage where he demanded and got anything and everything he wanted for himself as a narcissistic personality. Refused to save for the future, spent every dime on himself and now...caring for him at home finally became impossible and I found an assisted living placement. He is as he has always been and I can only hope they don't kick him out. ALL his retirement income, now goes to pay for his care and I am left on my own to try to survive on 1/4 of what he makes in retirement through my pension. He continues to try to control me and calls 10-28 times a day with his 'bring me' list. He is the same as he has always been only a thousand times worse. I could go on but will say that on this site there are some great threads about 'detaching with love'. I don't love him, haven't for many years but I care enough about what is left of me, to detach in kindness to the extent possible. This is all new to me but I have learned not to answer all this phone calls and I now limit my visits to once a week. I am extremely aware that there is no justice in this whole scenario, no relief from my obligation to see that his needs are met but he has no one else. His brother/sisters live in the same town and do not care for him or see him. His son disowned him. If I met this man and saw that he had no one else in the world who would see to his medical needs and assist the AL facility to meet his needs, I would help that human being...because that is the core of who I am, the core he was never able to destroy all those years. My heart goes out to you Angelo as you have many painful decisions ahead of you on this new journey. Choose wisely and coming on the site is a wonderful step in that direction.
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I think a therapist who specializes in marital problems would be the best person to seek advice from. All the best to you!
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Be the best person you can be. It will be stressful. If you ever find that you are not being a nice person to yourself or to your spouse you might consider looking into a nursing facility for your spouse.
My mother and father had a horrible marriage. They hated each other for much of it. When my father became ill 5 years ago, my mother wouldn't give him many of his medications because she said that she didn't want to be accused of killing him. We hired a caregiver to come in and give him his medications.

So, take care of yourself and do the best you can. If you find that you are taking your anger out on your spouse, find another solution.
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