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Be the best person you can be. It will be stressful. If you ever find that you are not being a nice person to yourself or to your spouse you might consider looking into a nursing facility for your spouse.
My mother and father had a horrible marriage. They hated each other for much of it. When my father became ill 5 years ago, my mother wouldn't give him many of his medications because she said that she didn't want to be accused of killing him. We hired a caregiver to come in and give him his medications.

So, take care of yourself and do the best you can. If you find that you are taking your anger out on your spouse, find another solution.
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I think a therapist who specializes in marital problems would be the best person to seek advice from. All the best to you!
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I am in the same situation after 30+ years of an emotionally, financially and verbally abusive marriage where he demanded and got anything and everything he wanted for himself as a narcissistic personality. Refused to save for the future, spent every dime on himself and now...caring for him at home finally became impossible and I found an assisted living placement. He is as he has always been and I can only hope they don't kick him out. ALL his retirement income, now goes to pay for his care and I am left on my own to try to survive on 1/4 of what he makes in retirement through my pension. He continues to try to control me and calls 10-28 times a day with his 'bring me' list. He is the same as he has always been only a thousand times worse. I could go on but will say that on this site there are some great threads about 'detaching with love'. I don't love him, haven't for many years but I care enough about what is left of me, to detach in kindness to the extent possible. This is all new to me but I have learned not to answer all this phone calls and I now limit my visits to once a week. I am extremely aware that there is no justice in this whole scenario, no relief from my obligation to see that his needs are met but he has no one else. His brother/sisters live in the same town and do not care for him or see him. His son disowned him. If I met this man and saw that he had no one else in the world who would see to his medical needs and assist the AL facility to meet his needs, I would help that human being...because that is the core of who I am, the core he was never able to destroy all those years. My heart goes out to you Angelo as you have many painful decisions ahead of you on this new journey. Choose wisely and coming on the site is a wonderful step in that direction.
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Tell us more about your situation. What are your biggest problems?

Sometimes "hateful" people end up on medication that makes them nicer people, and that would make your job easier.
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This is something therapist Pauline Boss says, in her helpful book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia":
"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. ... These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."
...
"with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating for family member well. This may be the vest you can do given your history together."
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I think you have to be very careful about your care giving to your spouse. You do not want to ever be accused of abusing or killing them.... you would be prosecuted. I would honestly see a therapist on an ongoing basis to try and keep your sanity. If the job becomes too much for you then I would seek a facility to place them in.

The behavior of a person who is ill and especially if they have a mental illness can get to be really bad, for others who were mean all their lives medication makes them meek and much easier to deal with. You have to weigh the pros and cons of doing this and if you need to check out of their life then do it. It is better to "leave" than to hate your spouse even more and take a chance on hurting them or being hurt yourself.
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Medication might incidentally change his behavior to you. Our marriage had problems for years, most due to his undiagnosed diabetes and PTSD. Getting treatment for those helped. The last two years, after an INCREASE in dosage of Bupropion, have been very good!

Now I'm finding that a minor change in the "same drug" can undo all the benefits, eg changing manufacturer or changing from Immediate Release to Slow Release.
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@ macada
"I think a therapist who specializes in marital problems would be the best person to seek advice from."

That was not our experience. An experienced psychologist did couples counseling with us, which improved some issues. But it was an actual psychiatrist increasing his Bupropion that made the big difference!
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FloraSteele- I didn't mean a therapist for him, I meant a therapist for you! You are the one that stated you are having a hard time handling being a caregiver to your spouse who you have been in a bad marriage with.
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Angelo, been there done that as well. I agree a therapist. But not pastoral counseling. Get a real counselor, preferably a PhD person for yourself. Husband abused me for years now he has dementia and I am stuck with bad memories.
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@ macada
Confusion here. ;-) Your post about at "a therapist who specializes in marital problems" was #2 in this discussion, way before I came in.

Overall ours is a very good marriage, though we've had some problems. However I am going to see a counselor to help me cope with all this (and get some help with how to deal with his new psychiatrist who does not like the old medicine that works for him!)
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Sorry FloraSteele, my mistake. I thought you were the person that posted this thread.
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"But not pastoral counseling. Get a real counselor, preferably a PhD person for yourself. "

Seconded! -- if it's for both of you or for the Care Receiver. Even a PhD ex-military PTSD counselor familiar with diabetes etc was not able to do more than superficial fixes ("Let him do the time schedule" ... "Let her pack the lunch"). The whole equality Couples Counseling thing was a waste of time and stressful for me, when in fact he was subject to crazy spells that did not deserve equal time or consideration! After that, one visit to a real MD Psychiatrist, who suggested a small increase in dosage of anti-depressant -- completely changed his functioning.
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Psychiatrists spend very little time being therapists, they are not psychologists. Most Psychiatrists these days write prescriptions. They are M.D.'s.
Angelo- you said that you had marital problems for a long time so it would benefit you to get some therapy from a psychologist if you are finding caring for your husband a struggle. Give yourself that gift. We can only listen and support you, but a Psychologist has much more experience and could offer you much more than we can!
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@ macada
Good point! Those who can write prescriptions, do -- nothing else. ;-)

Now I remember it was H's VA counselor who suggested the VA psychiatrist look at his meds. Which may be how it is supposed to work. I am dismayed that neither of our civilian Couples Counselor PhD's suggested that!
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FloraSteele- I have really tried my best to hold back my thoughts to you but I finally have to tell you that every person that has made a comment to Angelo to try and help her on this thread has been responded to by YOU as though you were the one that posted the question asking for help, it is no wonder I got confused before and thought it was your thread. You have responded to every person's comment on here about YOUR husband and YOUR marital problems and YOUR husband's meds and his psychiatrist, everything you say has been about YOU! Not once have you even addressed Angelo and gave her unique, individual problem any attention and she is the one with the problem. Give it a rest ok.. geez.
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Woops, and that got a 'like'. Okay, bye. In the support groups I'm used to, "I statements" are preferred and "You statements" are prohibited. Sorry.

Wooops, that was another "I statement". ;-(

I'll attempt to stop following this thread. Woops, another "I".
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I disagree. Angelo hasn't posted since the first post. FloraSteele's comments are on topic.
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Sometimes a person has treated you so badly that the actual thought of caring for a person who has physically, mentally or emotionally abused you is more than you can handle no matter what a medication can do for THEIR ATTITUDE..... It becomes your attitude and how you can relate and care for them in some very trying and difficult times. You also have to realize that you are giving up your life and make that choice knowing what is before you and how long it may go on and the chances that their illness is going to get much worse.

You have to go in with your EYES WIDE OPEN.

My neighbor had to finally walk away from her husband and it turned out to be the best thing for her. He had been horribly verbally and emotionally abusive to her for many years. She moved to another state with her Mom and he was eventually put into a facility. She however spent time with her Mom until she died and she was able to live a peaceful life for the first time in a long time.
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Very well said Raven1
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I'm sorry, you are not in the most ideal situation . It seems like you have been getting a lot of positive feed back . the only thing I can repeat it do the right thing . If it hurts too much or makes you upset, the best would be to move him to a facility and let them handle the situation and maybe you could visit when you are able and strong enough to deal with seeing him . one thing, in the event that you have to watch him deteriorate please dont feel guilty . thats life and things happen good and bad .
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OK, I am confused and a little worried that there is a protocol on the site I am not aware of and want to be, so I don't offend! Taking out what was said and to whom, I thought sharing our experiences that are related to the original post, was a way to offer things to try or not to try and in the process help all of us 'flies on the wall' who mostly read everything to learn from others. Personally I would rather hear someone share what their journey has been like in a thread than have them telling me what to do to solve my problem. I hope if I make a mistake on the site that anyone I offend will contact me privately, as I am fragile emotionally and could not take being chewed out in front of everyone...I already get that from my husband of 30+ years.
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bellas- it is obvious to me that your comment above was directed to me in relation to my comment to FloraSteele. I did not make my comment to her after she told of her experience once, I made my comment to her because she was addressing everybody's response to Angelo and I felt that was wrong. I think the idea is to be supportive of the person that posted the thread, address her situation, validate her problem and I don't feel that was done, and yes.. of course it is ok to talk of our own experiences, but not over and over and over to every person that responds to Angelo. Being supportive and making suggestions to the person that has posted a question/problem is not telling them what to do.
I do agree with you that I should have said what I needed to say to FloraSteele privately, it's unfortunate that you couldn't follow your own advice and talk to me privately too.
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Macada, please forgive me for misunderstanding your intent, I should have looked more closely at who was posting as I had just read each post down the line w/o noting who was saying it. Also forgive me for not responding privately, I now understand better how the site works. In need of mercy.
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Thank-you bellas- no worries and no harm done. I understand how the written word can be misunderstood and misinterpreted, I have done it myself. I hope we can all move on and support one another :-)
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What you are doing isn't really about HIM is it? It's about you. When you get that cold and hard feeling inside, the trick is to ask if what you are doing is the right thing or are you punishing him? And can you still respect yourself?

It's very, very, very difficult to take the high road here because recoiling may take place on the subconscious level at this point.

Basically, though, never mind WHO it is you're caring for. Set boundaries and limits to prevent yourself being abused. Then focus on HOW it is you're caring.

It's natural if you don't like him. The questions is, can you still stay with him and also like yourself?

Blessings for a peaceful resolution to this challenging situation.
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Angelo, It is difficult enough caring for someone who you are in a loving relationship with but your situation is even more challenging I believe. How do you deal? By taking care of yourself first.Set boundaries. Find a way to bring laughter into your day. Set boundaries. Yes I know I already said that but we caregivers often need to hear that again and again. Make sure that he has food, medicine, someone to help him if he needs assistance for ADL's ( eating, bathing, dressing, walking,etc) and shelter. Beyond that you have to realize you are not responsible for how he feels! Each of us is responsible for our own feelings.
If you are trying to care for him at home let yourself off the hook. You do not have to be in a miserable or abusive relationship. Caregivers often become seriously ill caring for a spouse or parent. Choose a different path for yourself. Find a way to forgive both him and yourself, bless him and let him go. Find the best place you can reasonably afford to care for him. Make sure he has the things I mentioned above and every day say a prayer for him and a prayer for you that you will both be able to let go of the past and move into your future. I wish you all of the best.
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Divorce! I can't be the only one who thought this...Why stay in a bad marriage? And caregiving is difficult enough without having to do it for someone you don't like! (OK, ok, I know this is a simple wham, bam kind of answer, but I've never been married so maybe there's something here I'm not understanding).
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Staying with someone just because they are sick, makes no more sense than leaving them because of illness. Find a nursing a trustworthy nursing home and move on. You seem to have spent enough miserable years, and these will truly be worse.
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Staying with someone just because they are sick, makes no more sense than leaving them because of illness. Find a nursing a trustworthy nursing home and move on. You seem to have spent enough miserable years, and these will truly be worse.
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