I feel so guilty, sad, terrible after yelling at my husband who has dementia. How do you keep yourself from losing it?

HOW COULD YOU N O T LOSE IT AND LET THEM HAVE IT? YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN AND THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS TO HUMANS WHEN THESE PEOPLE GO ON OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH THE SAME NONSENSE. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHY THEY DO IT - JUST THE FACT THAT THEY DO IT AND YOU ARE THE OBJECT OF THAT ABUSE. ANYONE IF THEY WERE NORMAL WOULD LOSE IT SOONER OR LATER. DON'T BELIEVE SOMEONE WHO SAYS THEY IGORE IT. THOSE PEOPLE ARE VERY FAR AND FEW IN BETWEEN. LOSE IT, LET THEM HAVE IT SO IT RELIEVES YOUR STRESS LEVEL. DON'T FEEL BAD. THEY WON'T REMEMBER FIVE MINUTES LATER THAT YOU LET THEM HAVE IT. BUT IT WON'T STOP THEM EITHER. YOU ARE JUST BEING HUMAN.

I want to thank everyone who sent in their comments and advice. My husband and I along with his family back in Pittsburgh have decided we will be moving back there for their help and support. I love my husband very much and want the best for him. He is excited to go back home to be with his brother & sisters as am I. Justusjeangeno

To the poster who said it gets easier as the dementia progresses, not with my mom! At 95, this lady can scream and hit with gusto. That's one of the reasons I couldn't take care of her anymore. You can't live with someone who assaults you.

To the poster who just got married 7 months ago and is already caring for a family member-DON'T. Find a way to get your loved one into a facility. No couple just starting out needs this kind of strain on their marriage. You could be saddled with caregiving for years. It's bad enough that us old f*rts have our retirement years cut short but it's unthinkable that you young kids won't have the necessary time to grow together.
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To Justusjean,
Don't feel bad, you're human. So many feelings slaming together; anger, frustration, sadness, hopelessness, confusion, disbelief, etc. it's amazing that we don't explode. You are doing an impossible job. Go easy on yourself. Have your own free time. Do not neglect yourself. Give up being his caregiver if you feel you want to raise your hand to him or you wish he was dead. That's when you "hit the wall" and are unstable to be the caregiver.
Hang in there.

Hi, take a step back and start again. It does no harm to just walk away for a moment. Remember you are the one who is in control, not your FIL. We all go through it, I am a caregiver in a dementia (memory care) unit. Keep going, all the best. Arlene

Keep in mind it's only temporary.

I worked with lots of people with dementia ,and got used to being very patent with them.I really enjoy being with them.You just have to understand what is going on with them,and just go with it.They can be lots of fun.They seem to remember way back when.Like playing the piano,their kids as far back as babies.They have done studies,and found playing memory games helps.Have fun with him,and redirect him.I put my hand out and pretend I',m going for a nice walk with them,they calm right down.Hope this helps.

Are you losing it with your husband or losing it with the red tape? Either way, I used to go to the bathroom. Good luck.

Justusjeangeno - it has only been a short time that you've taken on this role and you say "We’ve been doing so well." You hit your first snag and now feel like you have failed. Nope. You will likely encounters many ups and downs as you move along this lovely path... Do NOT feel guilty. It is hard. It can be so frustrating. It will most likely get worse over time. Pent up anger is a killer - you do need to let it out sometimes! It would be better if you could control it and let it out in other ways (power-walking?) Otherwise, learn to understand yourself better and when you feel that building up, find a way to remove yourself from the situation until you can compose yourself again.

Do make sure you have your ME time. Time you can do things you enjoy. Time away from the care-giving is really necessary (even raising kids, they do take naps when they are little and overly-energetic but need closer supervision!)

Practice redirection and refocusing. You did not say that hubby is in that repetitive question/statement phase, or sun-downing, but those can truly be frustrating and trying. I explained it to someone who has not experienced this to a scratched record. The needle keeps skipping back and repeating the same section over and over until you give it a little bump and it moves along (until it finds the next scratch!) Redirection is like giving that needle a little push - change the subject, point out something on TV or in a paper, book or magazine, even something outside (even made up! Oh look, did you see that squirrel out there? No? Oh he was so funny!)

Most of all, cut yourself some slack. You are doing a job that is basically thankless and most definitely difficult. If you ever feel that you cannot do this any longer, do NOT feel guilty for that either. It is better for both of you if he gets care-givers someplace, where you can regain your health and well-being and then be his "best friend" again, not just his nursemaid!

My heart goes out to you. A friend of mine had a similar scenario a few years ago. She told them she simply could not have her mom living with her....this was after a 2nd hospitalization....so they found a place. Dunno if you would be comfortable with that but I thought I’d share it anyway.

Sometimes I wonder where my anger comes from. Everything my mother says and does annoys me. I get absolutely no help even though I have two siblings who live less than 150 miles away.

I thought I had a way out recently when mom had 3 falls in two weeks. After each fall, she would stay at my house for a few days and then I would return her home. Each time she was with me, she never had any problem. By herself, she was falling. So the third time, I took her to the hospital to be assessed as to why she was falling. She didn’t trip on anything or feel dizzy.

They sent her to a nursing home with rehab capabilities after her 3 day hospital stay and I felt sure she could transition to long term once they witnessed her physical and mental decline. I was shocked that they discharged her after only 15 days!! She was no way ready to go home and certainly not to live on her own any longer.

So, I’m it. She is now living with me and my husband starting today. We have already had to change or cancel plans more times than I can count. She doesn’t seem to care that my life is being disrupted. She had refused in-home assistance before.

Now she will have in-home rehab for a certain length of time. I have applied for Medicaid to see if they will approve her for long-term care. Otherwise, I don’t know how I will deal with it all 24/7.

I am so blessed to have an understanding husbsand - we just married this year only 9 months ago.

You seek out a psychiatrist for yourself.

Dorianne's answer was spot on!!

God Bless you Lizzy! I have tried telling the "outside folks" whom have never experienced this and have all sorts of advise to dole out, I have tried telling them that it's a whole different ball of wax when it's YOUR parent or husband/wife, or family member. I was a caregiver for years prior to Mom's severe decline trying to prepare myself for this moment. I worked with people with dementia, incontinence, showered, fed them, brushed their teeth, etc.
I had all the patience in the world because it was not MY family member. There was no past history, no comparison of who they used to be and the emotion that goes with it. Not to mention knowing you punch out and walk away.
This is the hardest job I have ever had and I have had plenty of emotionally as well as physically difficult jobs. Lowest paying and most thankless job I have ever had as well.
Thanks for that very important perspective!!!!

Please don't be hard on yourself! You are currently employed in one if the most difficult and unrewarded jobs! As a nurse working in dementia/geriontology field for 30 years, I deal with caring for dementia patients with both hands tied behind my back!! At work...that is! When it came down to caring for my 88 yo mother, I find I lose my patience far more quickly!! It's natural to feel resentment at times, also. Best advice I can give you is to join a local support group! It REALLY helps!! AND make SURE you are taking time out DAILY for yourself!! Even if it's only an hour, you NEED that time to "recharge" your batteries!!

To everyone,
I understand all too well. We ARE human, many of us had no idea the reality of what we were getting into. Caring and watching one of our loved ones (even harder when there was not a great past history) to keep a cool, even temper. They don't listen, they are in denial, they are demanding, they are argumentative, they have the memory of a gnat, they are shadows of who they once were and we are the ones trying desperately to do the right thing. We are not saints. I lose it with Mom pretty regularly then I feel awful. Sadly, I keep wondering how much worse it will get and how long it will go on? Then I feel bad again just for my thoughts. It doesn't help I am going through "the change" and my hormones are on a rollercoaster. It trickles into everything. Can't work anymore, get short with my husband, hate my siblings that have made me the enemy, no freedom, my God, just how are we expected to keep smiling, year after year after year while things get worse and worse.
My mother was no saint herself. She did many things that created a lot of hurt and trauma among all of us kids. She lost her cool PLENTY with us, and I can understand why she did!
I will struggle with my feelings when she passes, but part of me will feel relief. I cannot beat myself up for what I consider perfectly normal feelings. I am not an aspiring Archangel. I will process this all in my own time and way. Hang in there everyone, you are not alone and you ARE only human. We are doing the best we can under very trying emotional circumstances.

Dear Justusjeangeno,

Sending you love and hugs. You are only human. I know you are doing your best but the daily care does take a toll. Even the kindest, gentlest person would lose their patience. It's so hard. There is a feeling of will this ever end?

Be kind to yourself. Take a break. Get respite care. We can't be all things to all people all of the time. I wish after my dad's stroke, I realized my limitations and made alternate arrangements for him. I tried to do what I thought he wanted and what I thought was best but in the end I feel like failed him. I never found the right balance.

I have to forgive myself for losing it with my dad two months before he died. I didn't know he was dying. But I was just so burned out. I started to talk about nursing homes and I think maybe this contributed to his decline. I wish I could go back in time and make different choices.

My mother suffers from vascular dementia and as a result will scream involuntarily from the motor decline. I try very - VERY - hard to remind myself it's just the disease process but I'm human and I lose my cool - not often. I've actually screamed at her to shut the f*ck up and that I wish she would die. I then immediately leave her room, go into the garage and let a deep cry for a few minutes. I then return to my mother and apologize to her. My frustration is my deep-seated resentment and sadness that I'm all alone (only child, no other family living) caring for my mother as I watch others, strangers, happily living their lives with their healthy family and friends and enjoying fantastic careers. My frustration is also from my fear of being alone and from own eventual incapacitation...no one will care for me as I've selflessly cared for my parents. It's just hard being a caregiver - especially when you have no support system. And I'm so tired of people treating me like I'm a martyr for the elderly - I'M NOT! I love my mother with all my heart but it's just hard to see her decline and I can't do anything to reverse her disease process and make her feel better like when she used to make me feel better when I was sick as a young kid. I miss my mother before her disease kicked in...

I'm my fathers caregiver and this past year has been really hard. He has changed so much and he has become very demanding and needy and is unable to think about anyone else. My head understands, my heart does not. I get mean sometimes. I yell sometimes. Then I feel awful. It's really hard.

I didn't have the easiest childhood and I have always been proud of how much I accomplished despite that. I always felt strong and independent and capable and resilient. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel defeated, exhausted, lonely, guilty and like I can't make it up the hill. And it hasn't happened overnight. It's been a struggle and I've been able to handle it until this year.

This group always makes me feel better. Less alone and understood. I can say just about anything and I always get a genuine "me too". Even if I don't forgive myself, having people tell me that I should and that I'm human still makes it a little better. A little better didn't used to be enough, but these days, a little better is more than I expect.

If I knew how to keep myself from losing it and yelling I would tell you. But, I do know that it helps to have a community that I can access without leaving the house at any time of day or night that will understand. It doesn't make me feel less guilty or less sad, but it makes me feel less alone.

I took care of my dad for 10 years after his stroke. Didn't know till a few years ago that he was suffering from alzheimers. He would get so nasty and say the most disgusting things that you wouldn't say to anyone let alone your own daughter, and i would lose it at times and say things that i regretted. He just died a few weeks ago. Alzheimers starts 10 to 15 years before it is end stage. So looking back I see a lot of the behaviors were from the disease. The stroke only heightened his symptoms. My fathers condition tore apart my family. My advice is to take care of yourself, take time for yourself, do the best you can, you are only human, and get as much help as you can. I know my dad loved me, and he knew I loved him.

I've been caring for my mother over 3 years now. I get so angry and do yell sometimes. I have to walk away and breathe. Its not her fault that she has dementia or that her physical abilities are diminishing. I just get so frustrated. So, i understand. I've tried Journaling and that helps. Coming here also helps. I don't curse my mom, i just get inpatient with her. She's 98. I miss that strong woman who raised me. Thats something else i think about.

please don't be so hard on yourself. I bet almost all of us at one time have lost their temper while caregiving someone. I know I have. caregiving is so painful to both the caregiver and the patient. I learned that when I felt I was going to lose it with my mom or my dad whom I watched over three years, at the same time I might add, I would say I need to go answer the phone or the door what ever, and just walk out of the room to get some fresh air. I made whatever excuse I could just so I could catch my breath and than go back and continue what I was doing for them. don't be so hard on yourself as with dementia and other diseases the patient doesn't remember what happened ten minutes later. i truly believe that the good you do for them always out shines the negative that might have occurred once in a while. be strong, be loving and that's what they will remember not some little hissy fit you had.
love your dad to the very end....that's what counts.....he will thank you for it......

Hi Rereita...my heart goes out to you in a big way. You aren’t a failure as a caregiver.....you are there doing the best you can do....that’s not the definition of a failure. My husband was also controlling & while I love him, I also have resented him. Fortunately for me, he’s less controlling & seems more appreciative of me. Caregiving, for me, is a lonely road & yours must be even loneliner putting up with his attitude & snarky remarks. Since this morning, reading this thread, I feel less alone....there are men & women dealing with every aspect of what we feel & experience. I will look @ this thread every day & hope to see you so I can keep in touch. I care & hope my caring helps you feel less alone. Here is a virtual hug!

Caregiving is something I never thought I would be doing for my husband. He has dementia for 3 years now. I am so sorry to hear all the sad stories above but not being alone on this sad journey doesn't seem to help me. We have been married 58 years and he has always controlled me and our marriage and still wants to continue but mentally he cannot but still insists he can make lots of decisions. Tells me and everyone that I boss him and treat him like a child. I am lost as far as coping and handling these situations. Feel like a failure as a caregiver.

Thank you for sharing and all the stories that followed. I have been caring for my father in law in my home since I was 37 and now almost 48 years old. He is 82. I feel like I have had no life for 10 years and as his dementia worses I get more hopeless. He is on dialysis and has been for many years. His labs are great. My health keeps deteriorating. I have been hospitalized with pneumonia 3 times the past year, 2 back surgeries because he kept falling and I picked him up by myself. He is paralyzed in the left arm from a stroke 10 years ago and over 200 pounds so picking him up was very lopsided, but when someone sees a helpless person on the floor in their own poop u feel bad. So needless to say I have become resentful. Resentful at him because he has always been lazy since he retired. His sons for not helping and dumping it on me and most of all myself for not taking care of me as well as or better than him. My advice to you is put the bat away! Dont beat yourself up. You are in this for the long haul!! I have yelled at my father in law for pooping all over the house and not telling me. He was an army leader of 700 men, he wouldn't want to be in poop if he had soundness of mind. So I say sorry and ask for forgiveness and try to move on because it could go on another decade. Just take care of yourself in the very best way you can. Don't do anything extra so you wear yourself out quickly. After dads stroke I took him to 165 doctors appointments and physical therapy appointments the first year alone and he still expected fresh food daily. I should have told him "No". You can have leftovers because after all these appointments and cooking fresh food I have no time for me. Take care of you first and then him because if your health fails he will loose you. It has only been the last couple of years my husband finally realized it was too much and began to take over some. I still have meals, medications and insurance to deal with, but he does the dishes, cleans his dads room, bathroom and his ADL's and opens the door to the ambulance that takes him to dialysis. And thanks to God he hasnt had a pooping accident in months. It all stays in his diaper or toilet. Human compassion makes us forget ourselves, but that can turn againist us as it did with my health. I held in my feelings, didnt take care of my needs and got resentful and very sick. You must Remember you!!! In remembering you, you can be there for him!!! Oh and give yourself a pass. Ask for forgiveness even if he doesnt understand. Ask him for yourself!!! I am so glad I am not alone in this and feel so bad at all my seniors going through this. I cant imagine how much harder you all must have it. I am young and have such a hard time.

I'm actually proud of you for being strong and admitting you have a weakness. I have far more respect for someone like you than I do for someone without a conscience. I'm glad you're able to actually admit what you did and how you feel about it, I'm sure so many out there don't. It takes a very big person to actually admit they made a mistake, how and why that mistake was made and for that I'm very proud of you. I would make it up to your husband when he has a moment he's in there and I'm sure he'll understand. Remember that the best of him is gone and he's not who he was, he's becoming a whole different person you don't even know. Have you tried hiring other in-home healthcare services to come in and help when the veterans service workers aren't there? The more help you have, the less likely that you'll blow up again and feel the same way you do now. Just don't let this happen too often unless your conscience becomes totally numb and you become hardened

I am human and I did get upset at times taking care of my wife. The important thing to me was I calmed down immediately and overtime I realized what I was upset about is not what she did I was upset about what the disease has done to our future plans-the losses along the way that I was grieving about. This was in the early to middle stages of the disease. After that -yes-
I would get frustrated at times but not lose it and I would give her a long hug and that would calm the frustration as I know she was not doing this to me to "piss" me off but it was the disease. That also became my mantra "the disease, the disease" when I felt myself getting frustrated. It was hard and I had to work at it but in the long run I knew I had done the right thing. She could not change but I could.

I will just echo some of the other comments. I am one of the nicest people I know: gentle and compassionate, never swear. Well, in my caregiving "career" I have to confess that I have lost it to the extent where I kactually had to leave the room because my anger was welling up physically. Yes, I have been angry and frustrated at times to the extent that I used 4-letter words with my mom. It is all about frustration and fatigue. My words of "wisdom": with dementia the chances are good that your loved one will soon forget anything bad you may have said/done. One cautionary note: If you ever think you might do some physically abusive - I scared myself a time or two with my thoughts - that is really the red flag to reconsider the extent of your caregiving duties. Happily/unhappily, the farther the person goes down the dementia road, the less "fight" and willfulness they will have, and the easier it will be for you to caregive them. Good luck.

First I would say that you do your best. Mine has been a year. I have tried so hard to cope, every day, every night. But I too have lost it. It is so hard, especially when you are physically and mentally exhausted, to be up, to cheerfully care for your loved one. Whether it is a parent or a spouse, the feelings, though different in each situation, are, nevertheless, so stressful and heartbreaking. It also depends on the relationship you had before the dementia began. Whether good or difficult, the change seems like a death in many ways. And yet there is no end. The grief just continues and you just hope that there is enough love to get you through. Those times when you lose it, are, I have to hope, a way that your grief boils over in anger at the daily loss. Please know that you are not alone. Give yourself the grace to sit down with your loved one and touch their hand. If you can. Express your regret simply, and move forward, knowing these times will come again-but a support group will help you to vent your sorrow and frustration and learn new coping tools from others. I send you honest feelings of care and understanding.

VA has respite help for their people. I think it's 2-3 times year, your love one can stay in NH while u take a lil vacation even if I check into a hotel in ur city. My cousin did this with her husband just last year.

My hubby of 63 yrs w alz 10 yrs so I can relate. I must keep reminding myself he is in his unchanging world & im in changing world soooo I'm the only one that can chg. Look the other way till they settle down. Remind them they are safe & you love them & will not leave them alone. Actually that is way to many words for them at once. One statement short at a time. I want to loose it too so take 3 deep breaths give 1 short loving statement. This to shall pass & they will not remember so as they drive us crazy w questions a short sweet answer is all they remember for 1 min. Then question again. Also could write answer on card & flash it up. I guess God chose us as caregivers because we are special people. So always remember you were especially chosen because you are such a wonderful person.