I am new to posting here. My mother is 96, and totally bedridden, incontinent, and has to be fed, and has dementia/Alzheimers, and lives with myself & my husband. I am her only caregiver, but do have enriched nursing care come 1-2 times a week in to monitor/help care for her pressure ulcers that only recently started to develop. All the nurses say that I am doing an excellent job of caring for her, given the situation. I am always feeling guilty that I am not doing enough, and know that she may be soon reaching hospice level - she has been on the decline for the last 3 years, in the past year, losing the ability to walk, and now has to be fed almost like a baby, and is sleeping a lot more lately.
My Father's dying wish was that I 'take care of mother' and I have tried to do the best I can. It was also her dreaded fear that she would have to go into a nursing home, and she often stated she would rather die first. I promised her that I would take care of her, and also do not want her in a nursing home. She was always dependent on me for most everything, and I have tried to be a good daughter, but find myself often feeling resentful that she always demanded a lot from me, even when Dad was alive. In fairness to her, she was a good & loving mom, as far as she knew how to be. I also adored my Dad, and miss him very much - we had a loving home because of both of them. I am now almost 64, and I am worn out & stressed out, as I also have to care for my husband who cannot do much because of his COPD. My only sibling is a brother who lives in the next city, and is handicapped, and he & his wife are dealing with her elderly mother, so I can't expect much help from him, and want to remain on good terms with them. I don't expect him to come over & help, which would be difficult for him anyway.
I guess I would feel better if I knew I wasn't alone in feeling pulled in 2 directions - guilt that I'm not doing enough for her, and resentment that I am doing all of this on my own. I have faith in the Lord, and ask for His help daily in caring for her & dealing with all the emotions that go along with seeing her decline - anger that she is like this - like "WHERE IS MY MOTHER & what have you done with her"? I want so much to be able to talk with her again, and learn more about our family history. Never realized how much I would miss hearing those old stories. Seeing her frail little body, and remembering what a beautiful strong woman she was. Wondering how I am also going to end up if I live to be that age, I have no children to watch out for me.
When the time comes - I know that I will be grateful that I was able to care for her, but it's the process that is so difficult. Sometimes I wish the Lord would just take her home, as I know that she would not want to be like this. Then occasionally she surprises me, and out of the blue - says something that actually makes sense, like "I love you honey", or "thank you honey" when I feed her or wipe her mouth. It's then that I miss my "normal" mom so much, before this scourge of dementia stole her mind, and realize how much I will miss her when she's gone. No wonder she used to have this saying before her mind started to go... "Old age is cruel"..... Thanks for listening - I guess I needed to get this out.
I know the hospitals & nursing homes are often overwhelmed, and can't give individual attention as much as we would want for our loved ones. That's why I want Ma here with me, and as long as I can do it - I will. I don't think I am being a martyr - but I have thought long & hard whether she would be better off in a home. I just can't feel comfortable about it personally. For others who make that decision to have their loved ones in a facility - that's a personal decision and I would certainly never pass judgment on anyone who decided that.
I saw what happened to my Aunt, who was 98, had dementia & was in a nursing home, and they wouldn't even try to feed her. They would put a hamburg on a bun with French fries in front of her, and of course - she wouldn't eat. Then they just took it away, and that was when we were visiting her! Auntie stopped eating all together, and they allowed her to slowly starve to death under Hospice. There was nothing I could do, as she had 5 children responsible for her care.
At least - I can get Ma to eat pureed foods & liquids. This is very difficult for anyone to go thru, and make those difficult decisions, but - days like today - when Ma is alert & somewhat co-operative, I thank God that He allowed her to be here with me, in the moment.
I am so glad that my post helped you in any way... Oh my gosh - you have the 2 of them!!!!
I can only say that the only One who is able to help me get thru this is the Lord. As Ma was starting to decline - I was filled with anger at losing her mentally, emotionally, and especially her declining physically, of course was harder on me. I didn't want to lose patience, but I was - it's an impossible situation - all the ways that you can think of, and so many emotions and real limitations on both parties involved.
I finally saw a positive difference in this when I just simply asked the Lord for help, after realizing I could NOT do this alone. I'm still in the process, and so often question whether I can go on another hour, but He is always there. I know He has a bigger purpose in mind.
God bless you Sweety - you have a double burden, but He will help you.
HUGS & PRAYERS
LynetteD