Should I feel guilty for not wanting my Mom to move in with me and my family?

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My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship, but recently she had a really bad car accident that left her in the hospital for 2 1/2 months. During the first few weeks my mother cried a lot, felt really sorry for a lot of stuff and seemed broken physically and mentally so I offered for her to move in with me and my family (husband & 14 yr old son). My daughter is 20 years old and already out of the house. I live about an hour away from town in a very small town, but would drive in daily after work to see her. Through my mother's recovery, she began placing more and more responsibility on me and would call me at night saying the nurses wouldn't give her the right meds and to call her doctor. My mother had the doctor's number right on her nightstand, but when I told her it would be better if she called the Dr herself in case he had questions.... she got mad and said "Nevermind," and hung up. I set up plans for my middle brother (whom she currently lived with in a mutually toxic relationship) to keep her cat and belongings while she was in recovery until she could decide what she wanted to do to which he agreed. No sooner did I hang up she called him and faught with him, threw him out of the hospital when he came to visit causing him to no longer want to keep cat or belongings. He said he was moving out of their rental at the end of month. This now meant that I would have to go to her house, pack all her belongings, furniture and move them to a storage unit. This made me mad because of her actions and fighting I would now have to move her stuff now. While I was at her house, she kept calling and asking questions about what I was packing, did I get this or that, etc., I finally told her I'm busy and trying to get this done I will talk to you later. Her storage unit was only so big so she told me to leave some items behind and mentioned what meant to most to take, but in the end she complained about how I didn't get this or that. Later she thanked me, but it was too late and I felt very unappreciated. My mom's nurses would call me and say that my mom said she was moving in with my brother and his girlfriend - first time I had heard this, but then would act like she's coming with me. Nurses also would call me and say, "Your mom said you have questions for me, when I didn't." I mentioned possibly building a cassita for her in our back yard and she said, "Well, I'd like a 2 bedroom...." When I told her it's one room with bathroom she said, "One room." I had to reassure her that she could come in main house whenever she wants. Whenever I would call my mom on her negative behavior or her all her drama could not come to my home and that we live a peaceful life, she would blow up, scream at me and hang up. I began to see all the things in her I didn't like when I was young and it appeared to me the better she got the more issues came up and drama. My husband even went by himself to visit her and explained that the drama effects me negatively and that he is concerned about his wife and that this couldn't continue. She reassured him that the drama would stop and apologized. She even called me and told me that she loves the way my husband loves me, but it wasn't long before more drama came. I finally went to the hospital and told my mom that I felt that it would be better if she went with my youngest brother and she said she agreed, but then got teary eyed and acted like she wanted me to leave. My mom's phone calls to me became fewer until the day she was discharged from hospital. The day she was released I didn't get any calls. I found out through family that things with my youngest brother didn't work and they asked her to leave, so she was now at her sister's house. My mother finally called and asked me about her car insurance and her settlement for a new car. I explained how that would work and asked her why she hasn't called me. She immediately deflected my question and changed the subject. I brought her back to my question explaining that she hasn't called, why and explained that she knows that I worry about her. She said "Talk about what?" with attitude. Then she goes on to say "You have already done the worst thing to me, but never again." I asked her what? and she said "I had to take a bus home from the hospital to your brothers. My brother doesn't have a car and she never called me. She then says, "All I need from you is for you to get my insurance money and find me a new car. Then I won't ever be a burden to you again." I got mad and tried talking to her that she's not a burden, and plead my side, but she rebutted everything. The phone call ended with me saying, "I'm not playing your game." and hanging up. Now I feel guilty, like I'm not coming through in my heart, but my mind says RUN!

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MommyLove222 - People like this require a never ending supply of attention, praise, and time. It is a bottomless pit. It's called narcissism. Narcissistic mothers are particularly hard on their daughters. I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother too. It's hard to accept that this real person is never going to be that mother we want in our minds and hearts. Never going to say thank you. Never going to recognize how hard anyone is working for them, never going to see the sacrifices and compromises. They aren't wired that way.

You are a grown woman who is entitled to a life, your own family, your own dreams, and aspirations. Children do not "owe" their parents.

Put the boundaries in place and stand firm. Be prepared for it to get theatrical and unpleasant. All you can do is all you can do and that's it.

My mom has always been so difficult and controlling her entire life, so entitled. Worse and worse for the past 20 years. She loves to get attention by saying things to make people feel bad, like "I am just waiting for Jesus to take me" or "I think I might drive the car off a cliff". This is passively suicidal and a sign of mental illness. I told her one time, how did she know Jesus hadn't been to see her and left because she was so unpleasant! Or "I don't think they let people this nitpicky into heaven. It wouldn't be good enough." She would stick her tongue out at me like a little kid.
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Do not feel guilty. Period. She will never change.
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Heavens to purgatory NO you shouldn't feel guilty! I have moved in with my Mom and while we have caregivers so I can continue to work, it is still hard.

It is hard when you have a big heart to try and do what is best for YOU and YOUR family isn't it? You have done the best you can. Let go and let God.

Take care.
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Thank you all for your answers, I really appreciate it! I'm only 45, but at one point in my adult life went 12 years without talking to her at all which was my choice. When we started talking she was good for about 6+ years, but her negative behavior has crept in again. I have to say it has been a lot easier to deal with this at 45 than it was at 26. Still have the guilt, but definitely have the mind set to know not to get sucked in. She herself is only 61, but completely disabled now and living off of $570 a month. I know it's not my problem, but when you're a loving person like me, it's difficult to not care. I have always been sensitive with a big heart. I love freely with my children and husband of 23 years, but my husband gets really mad saying that I'm a good, caring person and feels like she preys on that. I know that she is on a downhill spiral financially and she sure burned a lot of bridges. I recommended trying to get financial help from the state to her and she acts like she doesn't want to hear it. I know I need to give this up to God and release this. There is nothing more I can do. I've done everything I can and when she pushes on me, she really brings out the defensive person out in me that wants nothing to do with her!
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you are lucky you have brothers to help you. do not let her move in with you. My dad is coming too live with me and my sister, we will take turns having him in our home until we can find him a permanent place and neither one of us wants to have him in our home for a lot of reasons. He is mean to her children he refuses to shower, he takes over the entire house weather at my house or hers and he doesn't care about other people's feelings, he thinks life should revolve around him and his comfort and his needs. Your mother sounds like she is the same way. I don't think you should feel guilty at all just help her with her car accident issues and let her sister deal with her. Therapy is a good idea for you. I had a mother like that and it really stays with you over the years. My mom has been dead 25 years but it still stays with you the guilt and the behaviour they use to manipulate you. Good luck to you and please don't feel guilty at all it is not your job to care for her.
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Therapy. Do not, under any circumstances
, allow her to move in. If you can, encourage her to see a psychiatrist.
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It sounds like you and your mother are in a toxic loop. A good therapist could teach you a new way to deal with your Mom, where the drama, so necessary to her, would roll off your back, like water off a duck. It will be work, tears will be spilled, but you will be happier and healthier. Good luck. Act on the love you have for your mother, in a healthy way. This leads to joy and peace.
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correction - search box - upper RIGHT of the page
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Yep, run. Cut the guilt, stand up to her and if she's worn out her welcome with all the other sibs find an assited living place.
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In a word, "No", you should not feel guilty. Be honest - she is a burden, and, as rovana says, she is toxic. Your mother sounds narcissistic to me. You can check for the many posts about narcissistic parents here on Aging Care. Type it into the search site box upper left of the page. She is playing all kinds of games and using FOG to manipulate: fear, obligation and guilt. The tears were to manipulate as well. I agree she should be in her own place - AL or where ever she needs to be. Keep your distance - emotional and physical, and detach from the dramas. (((((hugs))) Keep in touch. Many of us have to deal with this problem.
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