Should we feel guilty for not putting a meal in front of him or is it okay once in awhile if we're too tired to cook?

I think anyone having custody of an elderly parent who, it would seem, can't live alone (because he lives between your home and your sister's) has a responsibility to put food in front of them if they can't/won't fix it themselves. Nutrition in the elderly is a big problem/concern. Lack of same can lead to much more intense care giving on your part and many more health concerns on his.

How much trouble is it really, to put a Healthy Choice dinner in the microwave for him? Or to buy a $6 rotisseried chicken for him to nosh on? Buy one for the week, and on those days sis (and you) don't want to cook, bring pieces to room temperature and give him some deli slaw. Picnic time!

I remember being at a family reunion where my aunt said to me, "Aren't you going to fix your man a plate?" I laughed. "He walked in under his own power and his arms work fine. No, Auntie, I don't fix his plates. But I sure would if he needed me to." She and all her sisters had always waited on their men. It is was that generation did. It is not what my generation does. (Later my man had dementia, and I did do everything for him. But that is a different story.)

Your dad is not necessarily "lazy" but is reacting as his generation mostly did. He has certain life-long expectations. Yes, they could be retrained, but I'm not sure it would be worth it. You don't have to feel guilty about whatever you decide -- just don't try to make him feel guilty for behaving as he was taught to behave.

Along with the last post, I'd suggest buying him a few of the healthier TV dinners. I don't do 3 meals a day and I don't make my Mom do it, as she's the reason I'm not a three meal a day person, as that's not how she brought me up. However, I do like her to have 2 and she'll forget to eat so I can't depend on her to eat any meals per day, actually.

When I'm away from her, I call her and pester her all the way through the meal. I make sure she gets herself out of her chair, goes to the freezer, gets it out, etc..., until the moment she's putting it on the table and getting herself a fork. At that point, we hang up and she eats. I don't know if that would work for your dad, but it's easier than worrying about her forgetting to eat.

I know she's doing it because:
* She's griping all the way through.
* I can hear clinking and such.

:-)

When you are fending for yourself and getting yourself something simple to eat, why not get out double and share with him?

No doubt he COULD fix himself something to eat, but retraining him at this point might be harder than just putting a simple sandwich together for him.

When my friends mum had a triple bypass her father as you say of "old school" couldnt boil an egg! my friend and his sister made his dinners everyday then if they couldnt do it they got meals on wheels 3 times a wk a free service here? I know i just couldnt let my mum not eat so i would probably call in and make sure she has at least one good meal a day infact mum only eats one healthy meal a day as shes never hungry during the day but her doc said one good meal a day is fine!

I appreciate how tricky this one is. Logic dictates that if he's hungry enough he'll fix himself something, even if it's only fresh air on toast. The gremlin poking your ear is the one pointing out that he's not necessarily logical, ergo that thought process might not occur to him, ergo you're responsible for making sure he eats.

Meh, it's still a grey area. Even three times a week… ok not ideal… any real harm, to the extent that he'd be starving and unable to speak up about it? No. On the other hand, how long does it take to fix him a chicken sandwich?

No don't feel guilty. Sort out something that suits you, otherwise don't worry about it.

My concern here is for the sister. She may have some sort of depression if she can't take care of the family. She needs help, and soon.

But I forgot to answer your question:
No, you should NOT feel guilty. If you're not with him and he's capable of feeding himself and just is somewhat too lazy, I wouldn't feel too badly about it occasionally being the case.

Also, if everyone's doing the best they can and it's just an occasional thing, I wouldn't worry too much about it. However, if your sister has 6 kids, part of their chore wheel could be taking turns making a plate for grandpa when you make one for yourself and he never has to miss a meal. And if the kids want to guilt grandpa into reciprocating, sometimes, more power to them!

As long as he is mobile, just make sure there is something available for him to eat, and I agree with Jeanne, while nobody expects you to cook everyday, just give him the same as whatever you fix yourself. Remind him and encourage him to help himself.

My dad was old school, but he knew how to get up and search the kitchen for a snack, pick up a piece of fruit or some ham and cheese slices. Later in life he also figured out how to clear his own plate! He also understood the cook was off on Sundays, he took the family out for dinner.

MEALS ON WHEELS