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My mother and I never had a good relationship.  She is now in a SNF and I go to visit 1-2 times a week.  I don't enjoy going and feel guilty. My siblings and I divide up the week and someone is there every day.
but I dread going. don't have a lot to talk with her about and feel a sense of relief when I leave.

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Guilt is off the table-for today only. Not serving it up for dinner, either.
Wish I could help.
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Jeanette who is a long time poster on this site put it very well once. She said take the words to that song "He ain't heavy, he's my Brother" but change brother to mother.
If you don't know the song, google it.
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I agree with DoingbestIcan. We are all adults and when part of a family that should be a strong tie, one of the strongest ever. When our parents find themselves in a situation of needing help, we can't just shirk our responsibility because it definitely will fall on someone else. Too many times the majority of the responsibility for an elderly parent falls on one maybe two people. I finally had to tell my brother and sister that I needed help when I felt I was on the verge of a breakdown. Now granted we were all close to my mom our whole lives and I cannot relate to anyone who had a bad relationship with their mom. But when I said this, they stepped up and had her every other weekend. I had her all through the week. We did what we could to keep her in my home and thank God we were able to do this. I just can't help but feel that if we all go through our lives and have a gut feeling and jump on that feeling and do whatever it is, we will live the rest of our lives in regret. Decisions must be thought over, prayed over and ultimately we must listen to God on how to proceed, not just our gut. My mom did not have a pleasant attitude the last couple of years of her life. It was very hard taking care of her at times, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. You have to remind yourself that the disease is not who they are. The person they were is still deep down inside them, but they have to deal the only way they can sometimes. You take a very independent person and make them totally dependent on other people, I think we would all have a problem with this and no telling how we would react. But it was my responsibility. She's my mother.
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Well said
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I don't believe the answer is as simple as "just don't go". As adults, responsible thinking adults, we have long since accepted the fact that often, we must do the responsible thing, no matter how difficult or unpleasant. The people we are caring for are sick, weak and damaged, and in great need of the help. And for whatever the reason we find ourselves in the position of giving it. Avoiding a sick, needy, damaged person in need, simply because I find it difficult is not something I could live with for the rest of my life.

And I feel the OP here is also not one who could comfortably live with themselves thereafter. I agree she has absolutely no reason to feel guilty for her feelings. And no one is saying she needs to be happy, happy, happy when she's miserable. Feelings are what they are, and she has every right to them. But a persons actions have far more value in the ultimate scheme of things, than their gut feelings. She might quiet that gut by not visiting , but it's likely to be eaten up by guilt when that patient is dead and it's too late to live up to her responsibilities.
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I immediately recognize something that's going on according to what you described. You're dreading visiting your mom with whom you never had a good relationship because you know deep down you really shouldn't go. I did the same thing as you by ignoring those gut feelings (and there's no need to feel guilty). You have that guilty feeling for a reason because you're going against your gut feeling and when you feel relief on leaving, you know that really was there for a reason. I personally would not go somewhere I didn't feel good about visiting, so you may want to reconsider and listen to your gut feeling because your gut feeling is really God trying to tell you something and you really need to listen. If I didn't have a good feeling on visiting someone no matter their residence, I definitely would avoid it altogether and move on with my life, especially if there was no good relationship with that person. You may actually feel like you're not welcome or you're not wanted, listen to that and go with it. It sounds to me like you're definitely getting bad vibes about visiting, definitely listen to your gut and what it's trying to tell you. If you're feeling dread at visiting, then I would just pull back and withdraw myself all together if I were in your shoes. Don't go against your gut feeling, it pays to listen and not go against it because it'll backfire on you sometime if you ignore it and go against it. You really should listen to your gut feeling and if you feel dread about visiting, that's a strong clue maybe you shouldn't visit anymore. There's no need to feel guilty because your gut is definitely saying something and I can see it from what you're describing because I've been there and ignored my gut and it backfired on me. Listen to your gut and what it's telling you. You'll feel better, trust me!
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Some days I dread visiting Mom in the Memory Care Center. I think the main reason is that Mom has reached the point where there is nothing to really talk about. She doesn't really remember the past anymore and is unable to talk about much of anything. Many times I'll just sit with her and we'll watch one of the old movies the center has on. Sometimes there is a basket of things to fold and we sit and try to do that. But, Mom can't really do that anymore either. Most of the time I don't think she knows who I am, and that's ok. I visit several times a week and usually stay for an hour or two. Even if all I do is hold her hand or put my arm around her while we're watching a movie, it's important. Maybe there is a part of her left, hidden away, and this simple action will comfort her and let her know she's loved.
I hate seeing Mom this way and sometimes as I drive home from a visit the tears will come. But, I can't change what is and all I can do is be there for her, even if she doesn't know it. It's all part of this horrible dementia journey.
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I'm going to deal with the elephant in the room by saying that if you and your mother didn't have a good relationship when she was younger, it's natural that you won't enjoy going to see her. You needn't feel guilty about it--you are making the effort to visit someone with whom your relationship isn't good, which takes more effort than visiting someone with whom you've always had a good relationship (so give yourself a pat on the back every time you visit her!). I don't intend to be unkind, but I believe many of the other comments about "seeing a decline in a loved one" and "no one enjoys visiting a nursing home" simply miss the mark because they overlook the specific issue bettyb21 is dealing with.
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How do you stop feeling guilty? You don't. Just accept it. It is what it is. Yes, it's that simple. I like to ask "what was the happiest moment if your life?" Or What was the scariest, what was the most adventurous, etc. Or ask about how she was parented, which might give you a clue as to why she is so negative.
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I dread going to the nursing home also. I have no reason to dread it. I go everyday since she went inApril 5th, 2016 except for three. Thise were days that my girls were there twice in a day. So I took a break. My Mother is my best friend and I love her so much! She lived with us 37 yrs and is in the nursing home because I could no longer care for her the way she needed to be cared for. She had problems and has a catheter now and is too weak to use the potty chair. The first 3 weeks were rough but now she is eating and feeding herself. She has the twinkle back in her eye. I always try to take her a piece of candy or a donut she likes or crackers she likes. Not many, just one or two. She is very picky and eats very little. She is 95. The nursing home is 10 miles from us and they are wonderful. They call me about everything. I am the only child and I really hate to see her there in bed most of the time. About once a week she will get in the wheel chair. It's hard on her but she does it. I am also a person that always does the right thing, integrity. Even when no one is watching I must do the right thing. My Mother knows that sometimes I just go to see that she is okay. I don't stay long every time because I have my husband to take care of. He is in his 4th year since the diagnosis of dementia. She now knows that I will always be in control of the situation and she is safe. She is in a good place and they will take care of her and she will not get hurt. She now tells me to come when I can. Today 1 stayed for 4 hours because I had a respite day of 6 hours. I always check her clothes and socks etc. Kind of take inventory to see she has all needed supplies. She likes lotions. I cut her fingur nails and file them. I fix her hair sometimes and put lotion on her hands and arms. I also take my Yes and trim her chinny chin chin. She is funny. She has age related decline and dementia. But she is still very sharp. I always say I want no regrets. My Father passed onto Glory in 1979 and I always called him when I couldn't see him and told him I love him. I always kiss her forehead and tell her I love her. I always at some time during the visit touch her sweet boney little hands. She has not been perfect, but she has always been a blessing to me and my Family! Love you all & GOD bless the caregivers.
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bettyb......you are not alone! I can't add anything to the good advice given here. I really have to give myself a pep talk before I go in...and I drag my feet of clay....put a smile on my face........sit down and talk and tell positive stories. After it starts to get negative in about 20 minutes, I say my good bye and go. Totally sucks the life force out of me for the day.....But I do it. Hang in there and stop beating yourself up.
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Something that might help you is to be thankful that you do not have to live with her. (just read that on here and will put that note on my refrigerator) I've seriously evaluated what triggers her incessant complaining, unfortunately, the trigger is when I say "hello".
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I'm repeating what a lot of others have said here, but....

I HATE visiting my mom in the NH. We've always had a cordial, but somewhat distant relationship. If you know what I mean, my mother has never "gotten" me. I have a similar relationship with one of my three children; with the other two, I can be completely genuine and spontaneous; with one of my daughters, she just sighs and says "Mom, you just don't understand". I DO understand what that feels like!

My mom is a nearly two hour drive from where I live (because her nh is close to one of my brothers; he and his wife visit several times a week and they appear to love doing that.

I'm trying on the idea of going every other week, because I find that if I don't visit as often, I have more time to do interesting things which I can then talk about. My mom has aphasia and vascular dementia from a stroke, so there's not much conversation coming from her corner, but she does love to hear about the plays and concerts that I've gone to, gossip about my children and friends, etc.

I really urge you to not feel guilty. Guilt is for folks who have done something wrong. What you are feeling is completely expected.
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Betty u are not alone in your feelings. I think the suggestions Jean gave are just wonderful, do something, anything with her and you both will enjoy the vist much more. When my mom was in rehab i would take her down to the little cafe for a snack or lunch, or we would go and sit outside. Since my mom can neither see or hear well just sitting and trying to talk was hard so we did other things with our time. Now her mind is going so much we can barely talk at all. I am glad for the days i spent having lunch are just tolling her around the complex. Its getting really hard to see her now because she is declining so very much, but i still go several times a week to the Adult Family home she is in and we do our best to communicate. This is a tough journey we are on but one well traveled so we have a lot of support. Big hugs to you and mum!
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BettyB,
How is your mom's state of mind? I'm not familiar with her case, but does she know when family members are there? Does she recall the visits the next day? You say someone from the family is there everyday. Is that a standard that you all agreed upon? Is there some medical reason for it? When you visit is she cordial? Coherent? Does she tire during the visits?

You say that you never had a good relationship. Is this due to some kind of abuse? Were you treated unfairly growing up? If so, I'm not so sure that I would put myself in a constant state of dread to visit her twice per week. I'd try to figure out why you dread the visit. Are you already spread so thin that you don't have a lot to give others? We aren't all able to give and give without limits. Sometimes, we have to fill our tanks with rest, relaxation, privacy and restoration. Maybe, you are giving too much of yourself and are feeling depleted.

I'd consider what is causing the feelings of apprehension and then modify my schedule. Once a week sounds very reasonable. I don't see much to be gained by forcing yourself to go. I'd also limit the visit. What harm could that be? You sound like a good person. Don't be afraid to be gentle with yourself.
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people say this all the time but maybe it's fear your dealing with. growing up you want to be just like your parents and now you don't, but logically you know you will be sick and pass away one day. I bet you don't like to visit anyone nor would I who is suffering . your parent is suffering or the parent you knew may be already gone and replaced by this. do questions like could I have stopped this or why am I stuck with this go through your mind or are you afraid? maybe if you look at the person the way they are now and accept that you will feel a weight lift off of you. your parent is gone try to get to know this new person as he is and don't expect him to be different. it is okay if you find this person a pain on and off because he is a pain, it is okay to laugh with this person even if he is laughing at something he is doing like putting his clothes on backwards. what is not okay and is causing your discomfort and grief is trying to make sense of a disease that is at times downright scary and nasty. it is okay to step out of the room and something more pleasant like have a cup of coffee with another visitor and come back. you do not need to feel guilty over being angry. the disease deserves it. you do not need to feel guilty over not fixing it. no one can. all your father needs is to know that you come with a smile and love even if it's fleeting. he has been in positions like you are before maybe you should look back at his life and see it as an adult and your guilt may take a long walk. I hope this helped I do this with my husband and it helps me to remember him not only as happy but as sad so I can love him more even when he is unlovable.
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I can see how u feel. I didn't like visiting my Dad in the hospital but out of 4 kids I was the only one who lived near by. I think u have a great set up. Someone sees her everyday. Don't feel guilty. I have my Mom living with me now 18 months. We were close but watching her decline is hard for me and I tend to step back. I would love to place her in a AL. Money just not there. Like someone mentioned on another thread, I could enjoy her last years. Living with me, I'm responsible for everything.
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I just wanted to weigh in from a different perspective. I lost my mom a month ago. I was always very close to my mom so I can't relate to someone who was not close to their mom. My mom lived with me for over 5 years and I was her primary caregiver. Toward the end, we had to start looking into possible placement but it never came to that. She was admitted into inpatient hospice and passed about a week and a half later. While she was in the hospital I can say that I never dreaded going down, I only felt bad when I couldn't be there. I wanted to be there all the time but with life obligations, me, my brother and my sister and other family members had to take turns so we could all try to work some. But before she started going down hill, I will admit that there were days when I would be going home from work and I did feel dread, partly because I was already tired and I knew I had to fight with my mom to get her to the bathroom, to get her to eat, to get her to bed and everything in between. I had her at my house Sunday through Friday and my brother and sister took turns with the weekends. So the majority of the time she was with me. I felt bad for feeling those feelings of dread, but we are all human and we can't help things like that from creeping into our minds. We naturally want things to be perfect and everything to work out and sometimes life just isn't like that. I would try to remind myself that my mom wasn't being mean or stubborn because she wanted to, it was mainly because of the disease. But when all is said and done, looking back I'm glad for everything I did do. Now she's gone and I can't help but think that whether you were close to your mom or not, when they're gone, they can never be replaced. She's gone and now I'm left with an incredible feeling of being alone even when I'm around other people. I guess what I'm saying is just try to cherish any time that you do have with her even if it's just being in the room with her. There were times when I would just sit silently and hold her hand or just stroke her arm. I wouldn't trade those times for anything now.
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KThiessen - even though your post was directed to someone else, it touched a chord in me. I have always tried to do "the right thing" all my life. It's something my parents use to say to me a lot while I was growing up and well into adulthood- "It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, you do the right thing". I guess I've always figured this was a good way to live a life without regret. So even though I dread my twice weekly visits - I go. Hopefully when I look back at this difficult period in my life, I can look back without regret.
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Bettyb21- so sorry to hear you are going through this.
Nursing home facilities are a very tough place to visit. While a lot of them are very good at what they do, it doesn't make it easier on loved ones. I agree with a lot of these other posts that what you are feeling is very normal. I applaud you for making the effort even though it is extremely difficult for you.
Working in the healthcare field for 10+ years, I can tell you your mom is one of the lucky ones! A lot of families do just get them settled and you don't seem them again or very seldom. While your mom may not express her gratitude, you can rest easy at night knowing that you did all you could despite the circumstances. After all, that's all any of us can do. I wish you the best of luck on your difficult journey.

Krissy
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Carol gave all the "nice" reasons for hating the visit, and if that were all there was to it, you wouldn't feel so guilty. For a lot of us, we hate the visits because of the current dynamics of the relationship we have with the patient. What I'm talking about is the emotional abuse we have to put up with everytime we see them. (And have suffered from them for all the years that the dementia has affected their peronality.)

What we hate is hearing all complaints, the criticisms, the rudeness, attempts to manipulate us, the continual attempts to make you feel bad. It's mindboggling how they can forget how to wipe their own butts, but remain incredibly skillful at pressing all your buttons. It takes a real strength of will not to get angry at this. That is what I hated the most.

All that aside, her suggestions are excellent. Bringing things especially. On days when his mind was working better he was bored. On the other days, he was in a fog, and some stimulation was a big help.

For my Dad the things I brought were sweets and coffee. Dad always loved sweets. (And a taste for sweets happens to be one senses they tend not to lose.) I also brought his DVD and VCR players and TV from his home, when he was admitted. I put on home movies, and copies of "Everybody Loves Raymond" . ( He was obsessive about that show.) On his radio, I'd play Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett. (Any Italian singer was a favorite of his).

And each visit I'd bring old photographs. As I cleaned out Dad's house, there were thousands of photographs . (Photography had been his lifelong hobby.) [My brother and I made a project of copying them into the computer, and sharing some on face book with cousins and other siblings.] I'd choose about six photos for each visit, and brought copies. I would sit with him and together (mainly me) we would put them in this fat photo album. He would look at them for a long time. Not always remembering, but sometimes he's just like to look. Even the facility workers would look at the album with him when I wasn't there. It gave them something to talk to him about.

Anyway, this helped me a lot, as another dreaded part of the visit was the mind numbing boredom of sitting there and trying to find something to talk to him about. The photos, the food, and the videos help fill that void.

And even with that, I rarely stayed more than an hour. I forced myself to visit daily at first, then after the first few months, at least 3 times a week. Yep, dreaded it all, and relieved when I left. But now that he's gone, I'm glad I did it.
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Does this happen to anyone else - the right thread showing up at the right time? I hadn't seen this one until today. Today is also my first visit in almost three weeks - had surgery 5/9. I wouldn't be going except - to my surprise- I've received a few calls from other visitors that mom is worried about me. Visits for me are hard - mom has been exceptionally nasty to me in the last couple of years and it got so I had to be medicated to go visit. Also - almost everything we use to talk about - on good days - is now impossible. Books, current events, movies - even moms past obsession with Twilight - yep, THAT Twilight, are all in the forgotten past - or she has merely lost interest in what use to matter to her. Talking about past memories. - my dad, family etc is problematic as mom has whitewashed everything and reinvented a "new" her. I have a hard time listening to this garbage and wind up mad/depressed and so on. Often mom is asleep when I get there - I still stay for an hour tidying up her room and organizing her closet - these are my favorite visits, lol! Soooo - not sure what today will bring - at least we can talk about my surgery- which will quickly turn into talking about her surgeries- sigh! Whatever.
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Betty--
I think so many of us have this same problem. Mother isn't in a NH, she's at home in her apt with brother's family---but I have a hard time with the "guilt" I feel b/c I visit out of a sense of responsibility. I don't think we should call this guilt. We don't enjoy spending time with EVERYONE, do we? So we shouldn't feel bad b/c we don't enjoy time with a relative?
I just came back after a 6 month hiatus of "mom time". I am determined now to go visit her once a week, but with a pre-planned agenda. This week I cleaned for hours. Next week I will update all the collages of pictures that are in the hall. The next week will be cleaning, again. I let her talk, she really just wants someone to listen to her stories. (Over and over and over....)
My other 3 sibs are off board and only visit her once every 4-6 months or if there is a crisis. You're lucky to have better support than we have.

Try to work past the guilt. SHE'S the negative one, and she WANTS you to feel guilty. I know that sounds nuts, but it's probably true.

Good luck! A lot of good info on this site.
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A dreader (is there such a word?) here as well. Have been dreading my visits as my mom progresses thru the disease and the various facilities (own home, our home, AL, rehab, NH, & now VA NH). Some days the dread is a smidge; other days it's a heavy weight. We can no longer look thru pictures or talk about memories because she has none. She does especially like being asked for advice, which is usually spot on when given. And we purchased a TV with a DVD in it, which is great for the older, funnier shows. Stumbled on the History channel the other day, and we were both riveted by some show about pyramids around the world. Go figure ... she kept up with that one!

Oh, and I keep the visits to 2-3 hours, which seems to work for both of us, timing my exit for when she needs her nap. Her new facility is further away (minimum hour & a half each way), I work full time, and see her on Saturdays. I am struggling with thoughts of doing it every other week and then feel bad for thinking that.
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thank you all for your comments. I visited my mom (or talked on the phone) once or twice a week before the SNF placement. I appreciate all your suggestions. Just knowing that others have similar feelings is a help. I agree that when all is said and done I will be glad that I gave her the time and attentions she needed. I am her proxy and POA so I do direct a lot of her care with the input of my brothers and sister. The facility she is at gives her excellent care--but she is a very negative person and complains constantly. Unfortunately she does require 24 hour care which we were/and are unable to provide for her at home.
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I am wondering how often you saw her before she went into SNF. Are you visiting more now because you feel guilty? No one likes going to these institutions. But in my opinion one goes out of love and care for the person. If those feelings are not there perhaps it is time to ask why you are going especially after a lifetime of what sounds like relationship issues.
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It's perfectly normal to dread these visits. We hate seeing the decline, we hate the inability to communicate like we used to, we hate the knowing that our loved one is nearing death - even if that death is years away. And, underneath, we hate knowing that one day this will likely be us. It's the life cycle and these visits put it right in our face.

Sooooo - deal with the unearned guilt by doing what you must do without beating yourself up. Then, bring things along that may help the conversations.

Jeannegibbs contributed a great list on this thread. What you bring will depend a great deal on where your mom is physically and cognitively. It was different for each of my loved ones, but I went with their interests.

Don't forget that watching an old movie together on DVD (your mom's memories, not what you may think of as old :) or depending on her age, a DVD of the old Lawrence Welk shows or some old comedies (I Love Lucy, etc.). You can still be together, laugh, touch and communicate however you can, but there is a distraction.

Blessings, my friend. You are just like the rest of us. This isn't easy.
Take care,
Carol
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I too dread the visits to my mom, she's in a personal care home. The reason is that she just wants, wants, wants and complains alot. I just go there and do the best I can with it. I'll admit, I don't stay long. Just try to let those feelings go and make the best of it. Guilt feeling about parents is a hard thing to deal with all the way around. Just be thankful you aren't in a position where you have to car for her 24/7 because many people are.
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I had a really close relationship with my Mom but I sometimes dreaded my visits simply cause it was sad for me to see her the way she was there. My Mom had always been a strong, intelligent, vital woman until age related decline made her into a not so vibrant woman. She always had that twinkle in her eye though.

I would stay 2 or 3, sometimes 4 hours when I would visit her. We would sometimes just sit together and watch t.v., not talk but with her and I that was comfortable. Sometimes I'd give her a mini facial, set her hair, cut her fingernails.

But I did feel depressed going there. I have to admit. But I'm glad I went and now that she is no longer here I miss those opportunities and would love to be able to go visit her. So just try and look at it from that point of view. One day you won't be able to see your Mom. It might give you a different perspective.
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I, too, think your feelings are very common.

Except for a deep love of each other and of several other people, my mom and I don't have much in common, and her poor memory reduces that even further. So I always plan something to do with her rather than relying on fascinating conversation. Some of activities include:
1) Bring a big bag of coins for her to sort. (Many with dementia love sorting.)
2) Bring a scrap book to look at together.
3) In good weather. push her for a walk around the neighborhood. (This is an ideal time of year for that -- each time the flowers have progressed a little more.)
4) Color together (I print pages from the internet.)
5) Push her around inside the building and check out the decorations people have on their doors. Talk about the pictures on walls.
6) The nursing home has a computer monitor running an Eagle cam. We go and see how big the little eagles are getting.
7) Bring magazines or gather some up from around the nh. Laugh at the styles. Mom like to ogle the men in them.
8) Bring in cookbooks with lots of pictures. Talk about food.
9) Bring in a big bag of socks of many colors, and ask her to match them up for me. (Other ladies with dementia volunteer to help! Sorting and matching really are popular.)

My sisters read the newspaper with Mom. For some reason she never wants to do that with me. I guess I'm her "scrapbook daughter" and not her "newspaper daughter." :)

I have the advantage of always having had a good relationship with Mom, but we really have little in common to just sit and talk about. We can do things together or look through books and magazines companionably.

I'll bet if you brought something to do or look at, you'd feel less dread. And if your mother could feel that some of the things were useful to you, she'd have a feeling of satisfaction. ("Can you help me sort these children clothes by size, for my garage sale?)
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