Follow
Share

I recently had to make the decision to put my mom in a skilled nursing home and she was just recently diagnosed with dementia and alzhimers . My father passed away in September and my oldest brother was murdered in 2014, my family has been through a lot of in this past year. The only ones left are myself and my mom and my younger brother who suffers from mental illness. Since I had to make this decision I have fallen in to a deep depression and feel really guilty that I had to put my mother in a nursing at the age of 61 but she can't care for herself and needs 24 hour assistance and care and I'm unable to do it because I half to work to support my family and pay my bills and my youngest brother is no condition to take care of her either, before my dad I promised him that I would could for my mom and brother and now I can't and the guilt is setting in and I feel alone and really depressed like I feel like I'm in a dark place in my life and I don't like that feeling. I feel as if I have let my family down and I'm a failure. Is the way I feel about putting my mom in nursing home and the guilt normal, is there something I can do to get passed this feeling ?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
People who have not had direct dealings with dementia don't understand what is involved, the care that is required and the huge responsibility that family members have to provide the required care.

With dementia, placement is often the only option, for so many reasons. For me, the stress and huge emotional strain was greatest BEFORE I placed my 62 year old cousin. Once she was settled in and safe in assisted living, I felt like I had done a great thing. I know I made the right decision. I hope you can find peace with yours.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

From reading your post i would say you made the best decision to get your mom the most care and be in the safest environment possible. I can also see from your post that you truly love your mom and want was is best for her. You have not abandoned her, you can see her as much as you are able. Best of luck to you and your family.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

mommabear, part of what you are feeling is also the sadness that your mom is now in this chapter. While it's painful to see our once strong and capable loved need help, there is something very definitive about a move to AL or NH. And sometimes what we feel isn't guilt but a profound sadness that we can't do anything to make the situation better.

At some point, we begin to accept that we are doing all we can. Your family is blessed to have you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

But you ARE caring for your mom, just not at home. Making a promise that you'll keep someone at home (which sounds like what you promised) is a promise no one can keep! Go to youtube and watch videos by Teepa Snow on Alzheimers. She talks about "the promise" and how it's not possible to keep.

Please cut yourself some slack - you're doing the best you can for your mom - you're keeping her safe and healthy. And you're there, loving her. You're doing a wonderful job! Hugs to you!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You promised to care for her, but there are different ways of accomplishing that - doing vs. allocating, for one. You found a facility which you presumably feel is a good one, and arranged for her care, while recognizing that you couldn't handle her care on your own.

I'd say that's caring for her, whether it's in your home or a care facility.

From what I've read here, many people do feel guilt when a loved one moves from the family or adult children's home to AL, IL or other place.

This generation is still getting used to the caregiving tasks with which we're faced. It may be by the time today's children are adults, that approach and the strong element of guilt will change....I hope.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

mommabear1979, there is nothing wrong and nothing to feel guilty about having your Mom be some place where there is a higher level of care. We only want what is best for our love ones, you are giving your Mom the best.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

You are doing everything right. Certainly you are entitled to wish things were different, but don't confuse regrets with guilt. It's OK to feel the regret that she is not better, but there is no guilt!! This is not your doing, you are just caught up in a wave of events beyond your control.
You are watching over her, you are seeing to her care. That's a good daughter.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.