I feel horrible for thinking this. I don't really wish her dead! I just long for my life back. I long for days that dont include brushing someone elses teeth, sh*tty adult diapers and spoon feeding. I must be the worst daughter in the world!
Then add me to the Worst Daughters in the World Club because every day I ask God and my dad if they're ready to come take my soon to be 94 year old mother back home with them yet? Apparently the answer is no, but I still ask daily.
Death is not the end but a new beginning where there's no more pain, diapers, needing to be spoon fed, dementia, sleepless nights, chronic pain and complaining, non stop misery and about 1000 other negative things too numerous to mention. We all get a certain chunk of time here on earth, yet some seem to linger in misery, causing lots of misery for many, many people, for a century or more. While others are taken in the prime of their lives before any pain and misery even set in. No rhyme or reason to any of it, is there?
One day at a time, my friend. Wishing you strength and endurance but most of all, wishing you grace for the feelings you're having.
I spent over five years enabling my parents to continue living at home. It was ridiculous but they would not accept any outside help or move to assisted living. There was no quality of life just a bare existence in a rundown house, not eating properly or bathing, mom having falls every other day and dad wandering around lost with dementia.
After a really bad fall I moved mom to assisted living, no discussion or arguing anymore just made it happen. Moved dad in a few days later. Had they let me move them a couple years sooner they could have had a decent, safe and active life for a little while. They were cared for well but it was too late for them to be able to participate in anything, again it was just existing not living.
Mom continued to have one fall after the other, ended up with several broken bones and in horrible pain. She died in 2017. Dad moved into memory care and wandered the halls. I moved him near me last year and he died this past September. Mom was 87, dad was 90.
I’d been wishing it was over for them for a long time. In all honesty it was a great relief after their passing. They were relived of their suffering and I was relieved of the constant worry and watching them suffer.
I grieve them now in bits and pieces. I have all of dads tools in my shop. Sometimes I look at his tools and remember when he could skillfully use them. It knocks me back a little.
But I have no guilt about my feelings. Their misery drug on far too long. I pray that I have the wherewithal to not let my life go beyond my sell by date. My folks had this vision that they would gently pass on while watching wheel of fortune with their TV trays in their laps. If it would just be that simple.
Dislife - I'm in the same boat, except my mother could still brush her teeth more or less, sometimes, she pulls down her diaper and tries to brush her _ _ with the toothbrush. Disgusting! Disgusting! If she still had her mind she would die of shame.
I am writing up my living wills & advance directives, and I am going to add one more instruction to it: No spoon or tube feeding unless temporary. If I can't feed myself, then let me go. Just give me morphine to keep me comfortable.
To answer your question, No, you are not the worst daughter. You're fed up and want your life back. Same here.
Would you be surprised to know that you are not the first person who has made the same comment here on AgingCare? Many, many of us have confessed to having the same thoughts and frustrations - even those of us who began this task out of love and a desire to see it through to the end can find ourselves in despair and overwhelmed by the unrelenting needs of those we care for. Do you get any help or respite? That saying about putting your own oxygen mask on first is relevant here, you can't go on indefinitely without recharging 🤗
I also want to share a happy memory of denture cleaning - my client could clean his own teeth, but he struggled with manipulating his partial denture so meanwhile I did that. One morning the wire retainer snagged on my surgical glove and stuck there, and I shook it off saying: "arrggh! Bitten by a denture!"
The lovely man laughed so hard he got toothpaste all down his chin 😄
Funny, CM! My dad also had a denture experience when he went to visit the most prissy, proper elderly lady from his church when she was hospitalized. When he walked in, she exclaimed how happy she was to see him and he thought he’d done well by visiting her. Then she said “it seems I’ve dropped my teeth under the bed, could you crawl under there and get them for me?” My ever helpful dad did just that, washed them off in the sink, and she popped them back in!
If you are the "worst daughter in the world" I have the feeling you are in a very long line. Personally I would not want to live as my Husband did the last few years of his life, and if he knew what the last few years of his life would have been like I am sure he would have wished himself dead! If you are the sole caregiver it sounds like you are a bit burnt out. It is also difficult to watch a loved one s..l..o..w..l..y.. fade away. And often in pain. So no you are not horrible in your thinking, it is natural. What you can do is use this as a talking point for your family. How do you want to be cared for if it comes to needing care. Do you want to "burden" your family or will you be willing to go to Assisted Living or Memory Care?
You know, if we sat and talked I believe I would at some point ALSO hear that you are now subjected to a woman you do not know, who is NOT your mother, but someone else inhabiting the shell that was hers, someone unrecognizable, someone who is afraid and suffering and you are a witness to that suffering and can do nothing about it. My brother was fully cognizant of his diagnosis of Probable Early Lewy's Dementia. So capable was he that he could assign me to be his POA, the Trustee of his Trust, could sell his last home with help of myself and a dedicated realtor, could move to Assisted Living where he and I could visit together when I could go there, and discuss what was happening, how he saw the world, what caused his hallucinations, what his fears were, his losses. He was SO AFRAID to go there. He died before he could. Got a cellulitis in his leg, went septic and passed quickly with Hospice. This is the man I loved all my life. The Hansel to my Gretel. The one who wanted nothing but good for me, who told me if he had a cent to his name I had a 1/2 cent. The kindest gentlest man ever. And when he died I felt relief. Not to have to see him suffer. Not to have to be afraid for him. Not to be afraid for MYSELF, trying to learn things I had no idea of, trying to keep him safe and assured, as he slipped farther and farther from me. The Mom you knew is gone. How you do the day to day I don't know. I never could have, and I loved my career at a nurse. There is no way I could have done this and not lost myself. That you are even able to get it together to post to us is somewhat a miracle in my book. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only advise you know your limitations; do placement when you must. I am so sorry.
Please make sure that you are making yourself a priority and not just mom. You are talking as someone who is probably overwhelmed, and burnt out. And that's ok. Caregiving for a loved one, can be very stressful if you don't make time for yourself as much as possible. I see in your profile that you have Hospice involved, but as you are already discovering, they really don't do much in the big picture of things, leaving still 99.9% of moms care on you, so you must hire some outside help to come in to help you, so you can take a break every now and again, and do something fun and that you enjoy. That's the biggest mistake caregivers make is not also taking care of themselves. That's when we as caregivers get in trouble, and start suffering from burnout. So please take care of yourself, and try and enjoy whatever time you have left with your mom. You're not a bad daughter, just one that is needing a break. Hope you can get one soon.
Oh, and as an afterthought, since mom is under hospice care, they do offer respite care at their facility for 5-7 days. You can always look into that, so you can get a break.
Glad you found AgingCare, Dislife. You definitely are not alone in the line. You have lots of company and I hope you find the emotional support you need here. It's a safe place to vent, with lots of wise people who can answer any questions you have, and other folks (like so many have already said) who feel the same.
I'm glad you have hospice for your mother. They are a wonderful help, but if you can afford more care, I imagine it would be worth it so you could have some time to yourself.
Thank you, all of you! I was having a really bad few days. Yesterday, reading everybodys responses helped me feel not so alone. I love my mom dearly, and I dont want her to go. I am grateful for this safe space to vent❤
Death is not the end but a new beginning where there's no more pain, diapers, needing to be spoon fed, dementia, sleepless nights, chronic pain and complaining, non stop misery and about 1000 other negative things too numerous to mention. We all get a certain chunk of time here on earth, yet some seem to linger in misery, causing lots of misery for many, many people, for a century or more. While others are taken in the prime of their lives before any pain and misery even set in. No rhyme or reason to any of it, is there?
One day at a time, my friend. Wishing you strength and endurance but most of all, wishing you grace for the feelings you're having.
After a really bad fall I moved mom to assisted living, no discussion or arguing anymore just made it happen. Moved dad in a few days later. Had they let me move them a couple years sooner they could have had a decent, safe and active life for a little while. They were cared for well but it was too late for them to be able to participate in anything, again it was just existing not living.
Mom continued to have one fall after the other, ended up with several broken bones and in horrible pain. She died in 2017. Dad moved into memory care and wandered the halls. I moved him near me last year and he died this past September. Mom was 87, dad was 90.
I’d been wishing it was over for them for a long time. In all honesty it was a great relief after their passing. They were relived of their suffering and I was relieved of the constant worry and watching them suffer.
I grieve them now in bits and pieces. I have all of dads tools in my shop. Sometimes I look at his tools and remember when he could skillfully use them. It knocks me back a little.
But I have no guilt about my feelings. Their misery drug on far too long. I pray that I have the wherewithal to not let my life go beyond my sell by date. My folks had this vision that they would gently pass on while watching wheel of fortune with their TV trays in their laps. If it would just be that simple.
I am writing up my living wills & advance directives, and I am going to add one more instruction to it: No spoon or tube feeding unless temporary. If I can't feed myself, then let me go. Just give me morphine to keep me comfortable.
To answer your question, No, you are not the worst daughter. You're fed up and want your life back. Same here.
The lovely man laughed so hard he got toothpaste all down his chin 😄
Personally I would not want to live as my Husband did the last few years of his life, and if he knew what the last few years of his life would have been like I am sure he would have wished himself dead!
If you are the sole caregiver it sounds like you are a bit burnt out.
It is also difficult to watch a loved one s..l..o..w..l..y.. fade away. And often in pain. So no you are not horrible in your thinking, it is natural.
What you can do is use this as a talking point for your family. How do you want to be cared for if it comes to needing care. Do you want to "burden" your family or will you be willing to go to Assisted Living or Memory Care?
My brother was fully cognizant of his diagnosis of Probable Early Lewy's Dementia. So capable was he that he could assign me to be his POA, the Trustee of his Trust, could sell his last home with help of myself and a dedicated realtor, could move to Assisted Living where he and I could visit together when I could go there, and discuss what was happening, how he saw the world, what caused his hallucinations, what his fears were, his losses. He was SO AFRAID to go there. He died before he could. Got a cellulitis in his leg, went septic and passed quickly with Hospice. This is the man I loved all my life. The Hansel to my Gretel. The one who wanted nothing but good for me, who told me if he had a cent to his name I had a 1/2 cent. The kindest gentlest man ever. And when he died I felt relief. Not to have to see him suffer. Not to have to be afraid for him. Not to be afraid for MYSELF, trying to learn things I had no idea of, trying to keep him safe and assured, as he slipped farther and farther from me.
The Mom you knew is gone. How you do the day to day I don't know. I never could have, and I loved my career at a nurse. There is no way I could have done this and not lost myself.
That you are even able to get it together to post to us is somewhat a miracle in my book. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only advise you know your limitations; do placement when you must. I am so sorry.
Oh, and as an afterthought, since mom is under hospice care, they do offer respite care at their facility for 5-7 days. You can always look into that, so you can get a break.
I'm glad you have hospice for your mother. They are a wonderful help, but if you can afford more care, I imagine it would be worth it so you could have some time to yourself.
My heart goes out to you,
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