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My family has always let activities revolve around my stubborn, outspoken, and often unreasonable and selfish dad. Now this intelligent, yet extremely overbearing parent is very fragile both physically and mentally. I never had that big, cathartic "F-you, Dad!" kind of moment that would have been helpful when we all were younger and stronger. I feel so badly for my dad. At least there seems to be a protective mechanism that comes along with dementia...he just goes along with things and has not complained once about his "new normal". He does complain about physical ailments, but not only to me, and kind of treats me like hired, but unpaid help!
But now I am feeling guilty for feeling stressed out, exhausted, angry, and resentful about "my" new living situation. I moved my dad from his own apartment in another state into an assisted living facility 6 minutes from my house. I have been going over almost every day for the past 2 months, but there have been about 5 that I haven't gone over. Lately I've been sticking to my work schedule and doing other activities that I'd canceled in the past so I could hang out with Dad - though he doesn't really talk to me. Now he's in the hospital and I still went to work and even went to "fancy" dinner with a friend the other night. I know we're supposed to take care of ourselves, but all I hear in my head is the voices I assign to others: "She's so selfish!" "If I were her...", etc.
Anyone else feel (know?) they're doing it all wrong and not doing enough ever??

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caregiving is a huge responsibility. so huge that most people turn and run away. you dont need anyones approval. ill never forget a hospice nurse asking me if i thought i was doing a good job. i firmly told her " yes i do " and then let the ensueing silence eat her ass up . oddly and deliberately i didnt ask if " she " thought i was doing a good job. i didnt give a damn what she thought. this task requires some self confidence but its not handed out freely. you have to battle for it.
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I know actually what you mean.... I also have it easy compared to most caregivers but I, too, feel worn out and resentful.

When my parents were in their mid 60's they were traveling, vacationing, enjoying life to the fullest, and never had to help their own parents.... now that I am at that age, I can't do any of those fun things because who would get their groceries, take them to the many doctor appointments, to hair cuts/salon, to the mall, etc. My life has stopped, and it's been over 5 years now since my Dad stopped driving.

I had friends who would remind me that my parents took me everywhere when I was a child..... then I remind those friends," yes my parents did that but my parents were in their 20's and 30's, not in their 60's when I was a child, big difference".

You are lucky that you were able to have your Dad go to an assisted living facility, so many elders refuse to do that. My parents are in their 90's and still living in a single family house.... there aren't any neighbors their age to chum around with.... if they were in a senior community, there would be new friends to bond with, plus such communities has transportation.

I, too, feel like I am not doing enough. And how I resent when the phone rings and Dad wants me to drive him and Mom somewhere. I am tried after work, I want to stay home.
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Valerie, you're doing a brilliant job. I get that it's the "going out to dinner while papa lies in his hospital bed" that freaked you out a bit? How can you have a nice time when he's so ill and alone, your heartless ingrate?

Well now. I always think, when there is a possible sacrifice to consider, that it has to have a POINT. And what benefit would your father have gained from your sacrificing that good dinner and good company? None. So what would have been the point? Now if a nurse calls you and says it's not going so well and your father is asking for you, of course you'd make your excuses and not stay for dessert. Otherwise… dine on! x
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You have no reason to feel guilt. It's normal to feel it; I think the majority of us do...because - just like when we were small (at least in my case) I could take a problem to my parents and they would help me get out of it, or at least be there for me through it. I think most of us want to "solve" the dementia, solve the depression, solve the loneliness, the ailments, aches, and fear for them. And, we can't. All we can do is what we are doing; which is to love them, hold them, listen to them when they have to vent or express feelings, and let them know that even when we aren't there at their sides due to other obligations or our own needs, that we are not far away and we will be with them again soon. You have to stick to your work schedule. Honestly if you only missed 5 days in a month do the math percentage on that; you are there almost every day to see him. No guilt there, my dear. You're doing a good job; not only for dad, but for you too!
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Valerie no-one can "know" unless they've been in our shoes. Your dad is being well taken care of in the ALF and he's very lucky to have you. If you're content with the care he's receiving limit yourself to visiting maybe 3x a week and get on with your life.

freqflyer I found most friends don't understand and I lost one friend due to the fact that I was always strung out and miserable which makes people not want to be around you.

I've resorted to changing my phone number and having it unpublished to avoid the screaming tantrum phone calls from my mother (in a NH) which were making me ill.
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Ashlynne, you are so right about losing friends during this caregiving time. Lost several really close friends because they never were involved with helping their elderly parents. They never understood the logistics involved and how tried it can make someone feel. Boy, how that hurt.
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We all struggle with guilt...It's scarey being responsible for another adult especially a loved one..

What would you tell another member on here who was asking the same question? I thought so...Try your own advice....At least give limited visits a try..
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@Captain: I think your response to that hospice worker was the only correct answer. Because of course you were!
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The friend I lost, her mother lived alone and did for herself until she was 90 when she broke a hip, went into hospital and passed shortly after. Oddly enough this former friend has been, with a group, to NHs with her dog for years so she's well aware of what the residents are like, however she doesn't know any of them and can just walk around chatting with the group for an hour or so then leave. Basically it's a time each week to socialize with her doggy pals Go figure.
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Bat your eyelashes at him and said it was SOOOOOOO good for mother's morale to have him with her for a weekend. Maybe he can be flattered into making a habit of it (pretty please with sugar on it)???
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