Having guilt and anxiety after putting Dad in Assisted Living. How do I cope?

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My dad is 75 and cognitively all there. After 2 months in the hospital for a GI infection and a stint in rehab, it was strongly urged that dad be transferred to AL since he is still so weak and unable to do much for himself. I've visited and met with several facilities and we've found one we really like--the admissions director even came to meet my dad. Dad is ok with it, but I'm having such guilt, grief, and anxiety over this change. I know it's the right thing--I'm just curious to hear from others on how you coped with the transition.

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We moved my mom from her isolated home to a lovely ind living facility where she thrived. I'm not sure where you're guilty feelings come from, do you think you should be able to care for yor dad alone? That's probably not realistic if you work, which most of us do.
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Pam, you said there are more weeping children then parents. That is so profound, so beautifully said, it sounds like the title of a book or poem, I thank you for that xo
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Thank you all. Each of your comments has resonated with me --I appreciate it!
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Rose, I am so heartbroken by your story...but no, YOU are not guilty about what may have been very bad medical management that it does not sound like they gave you any say in, nor not knowing you could call the ombudsman or make a protective services report. I'm sure no one at Ashley Manor went out of their way to tell you that. Jannie is absolutely right, you did what you thought you could and what you thought - and what SHOULD have been - for the best.
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Guilt is an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in.....
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For every one who feels guilty getting parents to an ALF, there are others who wished they had done it sooner. It can add years to their life, and if they are social, they will have a good time with people their own age. It reminds me of sending my kids off to school for the very first time. I was afraid and anxious. The first day of any Kindergarten has many more weeping parents than children. Now, with ALF, there are many more weeping children than parents. Fear not.
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You did the very best you could do. You did not do any thing on purpose, you were only trying to the best for your loved one. Guilt is the hardest thing with a parent in a care facility., we question our selves a hundred times to see if we are doing the right thing. You did the very very best you could. If your loved one was seen by a in home caregiver/doctor/nurse they could of very well prescribed and done the very same thing. You did the very best you could do. Please please try and not beat your self up over this. I know thats easier said then done. Just try and remember, you would never do any thing on purpose, it turned out that way. I am not sure how much your loved one knew what was actually real or not. If they indeed hurt him then you report them to the dept. of aged and they would get in huge trouble, if they didn't then maybe he just thought they were. I beleive in my heart that now, he knows that you did the very best you could. We love our parents and want only the very best for them. Try with all your might not to feel bad about this, it will consume you if you don't. Please if you can, try and focus on all the good days you had and not the last part of his life. Again, you did the best you could as we all do, Pleasent thoughts to you and your family
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When we took my husband into the assisted living place he seemed so happy that evening.We had dinner and he even visited with some of the staff. however I had to leave to take care of our cat and I told him I would be back in the morning and he said fine. when I went the next morning he grabbed my hand and said those act like they are nice but they hurt people. I could not believe he was so upset. I tried to tell him everything was okay and kept saying they hurt people and are not nice. I began to cry but not one of the staff came over to see what was wrong. I told them to call my daughter to comr get me. I wish I had just taken him back home, but I didn't. TheHis blood sugar went to500 and they took him to the VA my daughter went to check on him and they said he was at the VA. they sent him back to Ashley Manor and he was so upset they called the VA and they prescribed Haldol and when they gave it to him he went crazy. we told the pill was making him worse and they kept giving it to him. they had to get him back to the VA and he was in a diaper and gloves on his hands, it was heart. Sickening for all of us to watch. we kept telling them thr meds were killing him. they releases him to a mental behavioral clinic and still kept giving drugs. he could. No longer walker, he just babbled. he went from 140 pounds in three works to110It was horrible to watch what was happening to him. they called us on the 20th of Jan. to come get him from the hospital as he was dying.I got him home and Hospis here and he passed in two days. now me and the kids feel guilty because we had taken him to Ashley Manor.How can I get over this. Guilt.
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I went through this when we moved my mom to a facility and then again when he level of care changed and she had to moved to a different building on the campus. Give yourself time to adjust as well. Sounds like your dad is in a good place and he will get used to his new surroundings. Guilt is normal when we move our parents into a facility. It's to be expected but you will get over it. Just keep loving your dad and know you are doing your best.
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"People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on." -- Eckhart Tolle

"Guilt: punishing yourself before God doesn't." -- Alan Cohen

"What you believe is very powerful. If you have toxic emotions of fear, guilt and depression, it is because you have wrong thinking, and you have wrong thinking because of wrong believing." -- Joseph Prince
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