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We've petitioned the court for guardianship (my sister and I). There are two other siblings - one does not have a close relationship with our mother, the other has financially abused Mom for years, even when he was her designated POA. Now I am POA and this has caused a tremendous rift among the children because I've secured Mom's assets thereby blocking either of them from further access to her "stuff" - making me Enemy Number One.

I've learned that these two are willing to sign the consent for the guardianship, but have requested stipulations be in place.

One is a financial accounting - which is laughable considering the brother has taken thousands of dollars from Mom and they both have forged Mom's name on checks and credit card slips. But I'm fine with the disclosure. Maybe they will learn what it means to have a fiduciary responsibility for someone and to manage it correctly.

Stipulation #2 is to have access to healthcare records, appointments, etc. THIS is also already in place with the HIPPAA forms...

Stipulation #3 is a bit bothersome because they want open visitation to Mom. The problems here are as follows:

Brother assaulted the sister that my Mom lives with, so there is a protective order against him.

The sister who Mom does NOT live with has NEVER had a particularly close relationship with Mom. All of a sudden, she wants Mom to spend days with her - which my Mom is not comfortable with. This sister does not give Mom the attention and "mothering" that someone with dementia needs. She does not hold Mom's hand to keep her from becoming unstable or wandering (says she will not "baby' Mom - WTH?!), Mom was with her for a week and did not bathe once bc the sister wouldn't help Mom (so Mom just "washed" up - dangerous for someone who's had multiple UTIs!). Once the sister had an event to go to and left Mom locked in the car! This sister also does NOT have a land line - therefore Mom's Lifeline won't work there. Additionally, her house is not equipped with everything that needs to be in place for someone who needs help with every ADL - no stability bars in the bathroom/bathtub/toilet
- lighting is insufficient
- no phone line
- no nightlights
- new house unfamiliar to Mom

Also this sister forces her religion upon Mom - making Mom tremendously uncomfortable.

So I'm curious to know if anyone has been in this type of situation and if so, what considerations to you request to ensure your loved one was well cared for if not in your care? I would think advance notice would have to be given, perhaps a 72 hour notice. And in the event that the visitation request conflicts with an already set appointment or commitment, the previously scheduled item wins? Most importantly, I would think that as long as Mom is able to decide for herself, she should be able to make the determination of whether or not she'd like to participate and if she does, the person she will be visiting would need to consult with one of the appointed Co-Guardians to make the arrangements and Mom should not be involved in the arrangements only because of the dementia - this sort of thing stresses her out.

Any other thoughts or considerations?

Thanks everyone!

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They can have their say in court. Let your attorney cross examine them. Present their credit scores and background checks as evidence. Any stipulations they want after the court hearing are to be firmly advised that their opportunity to speak was at the hearing. After that it is "moot" (too late).
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I for one am glad TheOne is not afraid to take charge and be chief cook, bottle washer and cat herder. Your mom needs you to do exactly what you are doing. Praying for your strength, wisdom, and fortitude as this goes on!
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I have a crazy family too.
the family members who have hated my mother and not seen her for 30 years have taken over her care. Funny how when they heard moms dyeing they show up pushed me out.
Your your mom is still mentally able to tell you what she want's. Liston to her. Theirs nothing wrong with asking your brother to meet you with mom somewhere. Its good to hear your mom is thinking about your sisters safety.
Good luck
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Like what Garden Angel said about giving sis a long list of what she must to to gain visitation from mom. If she doesn't do it, no visitation. And send it certified letter...so if you ever do need to go to court for custody of mom, you can prove you were trying to compromise but she refused to go along and for mom's safety, you (and other sis) just couldn't see putting mom at risk like that.

As for brother, say...sorry, it's not up to us now to grant you visitation with mom at sis's house since mom lives because of the restraining order. Tell him you'll be glad to take mom out to dinner and he can join you so he can visit with her.

Keep good records so, if push comes to shove, you won't need their signatures...just go to court for guardianship and give them all the info and I'm betting, from what I see, the judge will side with you and other sis having full custody.
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Wow this is a stressful situation. Everyone can't be a caregiver, I'm curious how brother became POA and had so much access to moms finance without you girls not knowing. Sister that mom lives with has to set boundries. Siblings will have to respect her home, her rules. Now that you are incharge of moms $, siblings can ask your mom for whatever they like only but you can dish it out. Maybe cut (not gonna baby mom)sister some slack. She loves your mom in her own way. I'm happy your sister is present, mine are not....at all! I know these cold, greedy, evil adult children should be baned from all of our lives but these are your mothers children and she loves them whatever their flaws. They love her too. Protect, love and take care of your mom, set boundries with siblings. This is not where any of us wants to be, but here we are. You got this girl!!! God be with you👼
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Thanks everyone! It really helps reading the replies! Sending you all lots of love and light...
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I agree with what others have said here. The main focus is keeping Mom safe and feeling secure as well as safeguarding her money. Anyone who is not on board with that, needs to not have access other than visiting under some type of supervision or seeing Mom at family gathering situations. I have often been tired, frustrated and totally stressed out in the 4 years I've had this responsibilities for for both my parents. I've often wished my brother were here to help me, but he died of cancer at age 37. I do not think we would have had difficulties between us, but the more I read of these kinds of issues among siblings at the end of a parent's lifetime, the more sad I feel that so many seemed focused only on 'what's in it for me in the end' rather than what's right for their parent. It seems to be part of a general downward trend in our country, where morals, ethics and doing what is right is slipping away. Perhaps we need a return to understanding the commandment: "Honor thy Father and thy Mother"!!
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My heart goes out to you, but so glad to read the helpful responses.
I
Now I'm kind of glad I'm on only child.

Stay on course. You're doing a great job.
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My empathy! There is nothing more draining than dealing with conflicting family issues on parental support and finances. Been there and still going through it with my Dad's wife and her family. It is good that you are retaining an attorney and you have one family member on your team. The suggestion of enforcing safety measures for your Mom is a very good one. Can you include in your written requests that any violation now or in the future makes the entire contract/guardianship subject null and void until remedied? Also, you should include respect for your Moms preferred religious patterns. It sounds like that is a sensitive issue and a personal affront and while not tangible, is not fair to your Mom. Mom is not stupid...she just has dementia. If she was raised in one faith or religious ritual she can probably detect when she is subjected to another. That is cruel and would be considered emotional abuse. Remind your family of that! Keep forwarding all the email crap to the attorney and keep copies. It might be that you can get a restraining order against your sister also. And remember to take a deep breath...as we all know that this negative energy can take a toll on our health also.
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So the plot thickens. Sister A sent these scathing emails to sister B. The emails were also filled with religious condemnation. So I forwarded them on to my attorney who forwarded them on to opposing counsel. Opposing counsel said the emails were inappropriate and the tone was horrible... This Thule of crap is what I've been subjected to for the last several years and all I've ever heard was "you kids need to stop it". And it's not "you kids" it's two grown @$s individuals having temper tantrums - and one is practically 60 years old!!!!!! I also failed to mention the irony in the request for financial updates considering the "respondents" each have engaged in malfeceance with Mom's finances - forging her signature, pressuring her for money, loans, etc. and the access to her medical records request. Again, iron ice considering they both tried to block me from gaining info about her and I'm the POA. So I tried to play nice and continued giving them access until the brother was trying to do things regarding moms health - of which he had no business dealing with. So I contacted the doctors and told them he'd have to go through me for information. This is so draining and I hate it... XO
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Your comment about your sister not holding your mother's hand struck a nerve with me. When my mom died, my dad lost his his emotional life line. He was never very outspokenly close to anyone and he's lacking in social skills. I personally think that touch is very important to people, it calms and keep them centered and lets them know the world appreciates them and is aware of them. When people are upset the best way to calm them is to touch their hand. I have a sibling, a primary caregiver, who doesn't do this and looks askance when I do, seems to feel attempts to make them happy are ploys to gain favor. I find it very odd and troubling
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First thought is that the brother gets visitation rights, it may vitiate any terms of a PPO. So I don't see how he could be allowed visitation rights.

Second thought is that you already have the right idea - provide counter measures. Be specific as to what you sister needs to do - get a land line, hire qualified caregivers to help your mother, install grab bars, etc. Be very thorough; this might make her realize that she'll have to change in order to get visitation rights.

You're already on the right track; list every single issue that affects the relationship between your mother and your sister and provide a countermeasure. Overwhelm her with restrictions. But also consider how you can monitor these requirements and how you can enforce them. Both these issues should be incorporated into any guardianship order affecting visitation by this particular sister.
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