Living with 96-year-old who seems to others, including, his doctor (who just told him he can keep driving so he drives all over the place every morning running errands even unnecessarily), my sister and nephew that he is still 99% himself. Tried committing everything to written lists, calendars with short daily reminders and typewritten, bulleted updates regarding household projects and matters of import. At 1st, he started filing them but could not remember where they were or find them. I started holding on to duplicate and leaving brief simple notes Throughout the day as he does to me. Partly we do this because hes pretty deaf. Now that we are in the midst of some serious issues, we've had face-to-face discussions, because dad has his wits about him, And then I would document everything. Despite all this, Dad continues to bring up the same subject verbally or via notes over and over and over again. Part of it is his OCD micromanagement, with little time Or bandwidth left. he gets very upset and screams and points at me if I point out the document or try to help him remember the discussion, such as telling him how I'd said I would never want to live where there's winter again (when he offers advice for me to move in with my son, something that would never happen.) He's currently fixated on fixing a door handle that is right outside my door which is working but goes down instead of up. My biggest issue is knowing that if we (likely) have to part company in a few months or at the end of the year due to dwindling savings, I have no documents signed by him nor notarized that confirm his repeated promises he made to me about my relocation being paid for out of the proceeds of his home sale where we live. I contribute virtually all my meager social security income towards our monthly household expenses plus manage his endless, Time Consuming requests, allthat he cannot wait to be done and must be done right now. He is starting to do things he should not be doing that are physically arduous or risky like eating directly out of containers over and never cleaning or allowing to be cleaned his Refrigerated pitcher or nightly thermos, which get very scummy . He'll agree to act a certain way or not do something and then the next day totally reverse that. I'm trying to get his physical therapist and nurse to take over those issues. Any suggestions on how I can persuade him to put the parting agreement in writing? He's holding this over my head deliberately as a control freak just in case he decides that he gets mad at me and then he can just tell me I'm SOL and on the streets. When I brought the subject up, He even said he hesitates to do that in case he gets mad at me. Blackmail. HELP!

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I think most people providing elder care feel like it's Groundhog's Day! The repetition is common and can be mind numbing, boring, frustrating, etc. I guess we just can't expect it to be any other way and just try to deal with it as gracefully as possible and get our stimulation with our peers, etc.

It is unfortunate that the financial situation is unstable and you are spending all your money. Does he have money that's being spent as well? If not, you really need to get some help with getting him to pay his fair share.

Good luck.
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Reply to againx100

This doesn’t really sound like Groundhog Day. It sounds very strange and not a good idea at all. At 96, it’s odd that your father seems to be fooling your sister and her son as well as his own doctor. His level of independence, including driving and manipulating you financially, is quite remarkable. This isn’t just the repetition of living with a 96 year old who needs assistance. You are probably pushing 70 yourself, and you need to look after your own needs.

You think that the living arrangement will probably break down by the end of this year, and that you are unlikely to get the financial help that he promised you from the sale of his house. If this is what you expect, it might be that the sooner you push things, the better off you will be. At present he still needs your assistance, so you have some sort of leverage. If things break down completely, you will have none. Any agreement between you almost certainly needs to be drawn up by a lawyer, or at least with some professional help – a written promise will not help you unless it is a valid contract.

It would be a good idea if you can develop a clearer understanding with your sister, to help push things a bit. Clearly you are not well off financially, but can you find some type of welfare organisation to talk to? Or find a lawyer who gives a first advice meeting without charge? It is not a good idea to let things drift and just hope for the best. Your future welfare is in peril right now.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

Have a family meeting. Get more help from other members.

Do not rely or behave in reliance on any financial promises.

Do not get any “contract” in writing because you have doubts about your Dad’s capacity.
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Reply to ACaringDaughter

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