Grossed out. Does anyone else have this issue?

Ha! the people on this site have a great sense of humor!

Sounds like something I'd do.

Just to stick a little humor in here. It was about 80 today.. It was so hot in the house. I finally had to see if the air cond was broken. No my husband had the heat on!

Willows, please stay, your posts are very encouraging to read.

Wow this has been a real reality check with all of you. I do love being here with all of us that suffer. went to my moms rooms to check on her and there was a big skid mark on her sheets and when I asked her if she needed help she was very mean, 5 minutes later my name name was baby doll! I don't get it and now its time time to find daytime care or assisted living quarters. Please Willow come take care of me . I am am down and out and alone

Willow's, I hope you stay on this site. You do have a lot of knowledge to pass on. My only wish is that you would be compassionate to the people, who are the caregivers, that want to vent and share feelings, no matter how difficult it is to hear and not pass judgement. We get enough of that at home, lol

Patrice2oz...yes, there are those who have relatively, healthy, elder parents that don't need constant care because they are not ill...and god bless those lucky people. Not everyone has the luxury of taking care of healthy parents until they die. I believe this post pertains to people who have faced great hardships caring for their elderly parents/or relatives. take care!

Correction, ilovemom2. It was my daughter's idea that they move into the apartment upstairs, not mine. Our daughter has always been a very loving, caring, giving person. That's how she was raised. She is the one who established a team here for us to care for her dad (my husband). Her two teenage sons consider it a privilege to be part of the team, and we call the 19-year-old "the papu whisperer" ("papu" is Greek for "grandpa"). He is a born caregiver, and he has his papu eating out of his hand. You have misinterpreted everything I said and arbitrarily put your very own stamp of negativity on what is happening around here. "Robbing them of their childhood?" "Robbing a 16-year-old freshman and a 19-year-old man of their childhood? What is your level of comprehension when you read comments here? Just wondering because your post was not only sarcastic and silly, it made it seem as if I said things I did not say. Shame on you!

I have been considering leaving this site for some time now. With your letter, I know that now I WILL leave it. It's been a trip. I have never read so much narcissism and idle complaining about personal egos in my entire life. Bleh!

Willows, I agree, that is why the rest of us care for others, that are not are spouses, are on this site. We admire you for taking care of your husband. Can you not spare a bit of compassion for those of us who give up our lives for people who are not our spouses? We get grossed out, so be it? So? You've never been grossed out in your life? After Jesus, you must be the second purest person the world has ever known. When I was a child, like your grandsons, my mother made me do all the ugly caregiving jobs for for my grandmother as you are doing to your grandchildren. You may call that preparing them for life, I consider it robbing them of their childhood. Something was wrong with my mom for making this very young girl empty the potty chair every night night before bed. You must be old, you care more about yourself, than you do about your children and grandchildren. It did not make me be a better caregiver, it made me want to run away!

KSEALE, you submitted a great post, and I second every word you posted! Thank you!

there just isn't enough rotation of the earth to spin it as a blessing, but it is what it is. my mother has 11 cats and junk wall to wall and she just sits and eats and complains and says she is going to die...yea she has been dying the last fifty years. my entire existence is taking care of her and her mess, but i still love her. so I have my meltdowns and press ahead. it could always be worse, and i am thankful she can still eat and talk even if it is to complain. my comment is that your reaction is normal but just try not to show it to your aunt.

Pinkzat? Bless your heart and liver. You are so knowledgable, get better really fast because we need you to guide us...

Pinkzat: I am so sorry for all you are going through and it is "h-e-double hockey sticks" as one southern cousin often uses. I had to leave my home for a long half a year (nothing compared to yours) and live with my elderly mom 500 miles away. Didn't I have a life prior to this? Sure I did, but had to put it all on hold because my brother didn't and wouldn't (his words). Still I can hold my head high, knowing that I did all in my power to aide mother's life, which sadly culminated in her death.

Laurie, Thank my for being so kind, my mom died recently, her caregiver was my brother, he died before her. I adored my mom and she adored me. I would have been there for her no matter what anybody else chose to do. The insults were long and hard from my sisters. My mom lived in a big house and her caregiver/my brother was a hoarder/drunk. No easy job...

Also, Willow. Please express your pain. How can we help each other???

Ilove mom2, I feel you. I have a new way to deal with the constant jeering and insults.
I just tell Mom "No, that's not true. You love me tenderly and appreciate me greatly, as I do you!"
On a me to you note; You're amazing for giving up all of that to care for your Mom.

You are right Patrice, Willow is not unusual. The original poster is caring for her husband's aunt, Willow is caring for her own husband, very normal. I'd like to think we'd all take care of our spouses. What I find so appalling (her word) about Willow's post is she claims to be so compassionate for others and yet she shows no empathy for others here who's lives have been tuned upside down. Not everybody has helping family or financial backing. It seems to me that she is trying to belittle people for not liking the dirty, poopy job that was dumped on their doorstep because everybody else in their families turned their backs and walked away. And then the big slap in the face, not only do we not get thanked, we get bossed and blamed. We are the caregivers, we do it whether we want to or not, Willow should be lecturing the ones who deserted their parents, not this group. I moved in with my mom and her sick caregiver. I left my beautiful family, home and closed my store and now somebody is saying it should be my pleasure to change poopy clothing while my sisters have houses up the street from my mom and don't work.

I am not being "negative;" I am being positive.

Willows life is not so unusual. Me and my husband and children took care of my mom until sadly, she passed.

Thanks for the encouragement and understanding, lifeexperiences! It's nice to have the support from those in similar situations. I can relate so much to most of what is being said here. It also brings up the question of sovereignty. Why must we live in a society where we are not allowed to take control of our destiny and prevent ourselves from burdening our families? I need to sign off for a day or so, and that last question is an entirely different forum – Thanks for all of the thoughtful feedback – it is heartening to know that others are in similar situations. Blessings to all –

I love all the backup posts and thank you so much! I don't know where Willow has that kind of life but for all of us who left our lives thousands of miles away and have no help from anyone it's pretty sad for us and now where is there a clearing in the clouds. I'm on my third year taking care of my mom , have a awful brother who promised to send my mom a ticket to go up north for a couple weeks and at the last minute pulled out. I was so looking forward to time alone and now its all gone!!! I'm sick as h*ll and need a liver transplant...not to put dark clouds on it all but it's all from stress. I love all my buds on here thanks for sharing all your stuff !

dear kristin3...i forgot to add that your post is sooooo important that it has moved everyone to tell there terrible feelings about caretaking. even though we do it...we don't have to love it. i adore my mother...but have given up everything to care for her and my father. am i bitter...H*LL yah!! but...i have adjusted and learn to deal with it daily. this site has been a blessing for me!

Dear Kristin3....it's sad that willow is so negative when we caretakers tell the truth about how very difficult it is to be a caretaker....maybe willow is elderly and soon will need a caretaker herself...that would be a very scary place to be after reading all the honest remarks on this site! I know that I'm terrified of getting that old now that I've taken care of my parents!! Take note that EVERYONE else on these posts totally understands you!! Goooood luck and keep posting!!

WOW... Veronica, that is truly a beautiful thing to say...

Every one has their own limits and their own strengths. We are here to help and encourage each other and share what we have learned along the way. Those with narcisistic parents did not chose them, those with wonderful loving families are truly blessed. People who become caregivers through no fault of their own from circumstances over which they have no control or from love or obligation give the best of themselves. Everyone is a vualuable person with their own limits.

It is good to know I am not the only one out here with the feelings I have. I commend every home care giver. By choice or by circumstance. You all are amazing people. I lost my parents early in their lives. I say early my mom was 65 and dad was 73. But they went quickly and I thank God every day for taking them that way. I pray for my children's sake that my husband and I, when it is our time, that we go quickly. I have made my self a no code and my husband also. so if something happens our families will not have to worry about taking care of us. We know where we are going after we die so we are secure in this. It may sound selfish to someone younger. But if they had to live through the alternative, even though it will be hard for a while they will be better off.

We are currently taking care of my father in-law. We took both my husbands parents when his mom was put on hospice. She allowed us to care for her personal needs and I was able to do this with no problem. I am a nurse and worked in a nursing home for 13 yrs. The problem is my father in-law will not allow us to help with personal hygene. we put soap and water on the edge of the tub and he will (I think) use it. The rag is wet but he will do things just to make us think he is compliant with our wishes. He is incontanent and is difficult to get him up to go to the bath room. His comment is I wear diapers and I don't have to go. We try to keep him on a schedule but that is with much grumbling. We have also turned off his tv to get him up to go. He doesn't wash his hands.And he chews and spits tobacco. All of this not caring for himself or allowing others to help grosses me out. the longer he is here the more resentful I get. He helps us with finances but not sure if it is worth it. I do love him as he is my father in-law. But I feel so guilty for being grossed out. I need to wash his feet and the thought makes me ill. Just going in to put his cloths away upsets me d/t the odors.

I stand by what I posted.

My understanding is that medicare will pay for someone to come bath your alz patient twice a week, have them put lotion on. I know they will. Don't look at her when she eats, Find somewhere else to look, a tv in the kitchen or something. After she eats give her a wet wash cloth or wash her face for her. That is how we eat and it is not a problem anymore. It used to be because I would be fussing with every other bite because it would be smeared all over his face. He can get food on his forhead. We watch tv and eat and it is so pleasant. It sounds like she has her own bathroom. Get someone to clean it once or twice a week. If that is all you can afford, then just get that done. If you search you can find mothers of young school age children who want to make a few dollars while their children are in school. Good luck.

My two cents worth here: I completely relate to caregivers who are overloaded, burnt out, feeling unsupported, - and if that isn't enough, we are now blamed by soceity for not having "enough compassion". For those of you who feel called to be a caregiver, good for you, I salute and honour your choice. But please recognise that there are many, many of us who do this work, not because we want to but because we have no choice. If I HAD a choice, he would be in an old age facility where he is nursed and looked after by people who CHOSE to do this work. I have hit compassion overload, and when I have just cleaned his room and changed his PJ's to have him mess all over them, then Yes, I get grossed out. And I get resentful. When I have to sit and hear the awful noises he makes when he eats to the point that everyone else loses their appetite, then yes, I get grossed out, and I get resentful.

When I have to clean the toilet, or the bathroom tiles, or the floor again after he has dropped his urinal/missed the bowl/ for the 4th time in a day; when the first thing I smell in the morning is old age home; when I haven't been able to have a dinner party for 3 years; when I cannot leave the house for longer than 30 mins at a time unless my daughter or husband is able to "babysit"; when our lives revolves around him and only him, then yes, I get resentful.

THE POINT IS: and yet, I still do it. And yet, I still put his needs ahead of my family, despite the fact that it has impacted so awfully on my family. He made no attempt to take care of his old age, expecting his family to do it... and that makes me resentful... and we have a right to feel this way. We are already invisible and unseen and unsupported by our family; don't belittle or judge our feelings as well. Don't cut off the one space we have to be "real", because you are looking after "loved ones". Many of us here are not looking after people we love, and YET WE STILL DO IT.

For those of you who are angry with those of us for being human, tired beyond beleif, resentful that we had no choice, I would like to ask you to practice just a little of your compassion for those of us who are trapped in a prison from which death is the only way out.

Of course we feel guilty. Of course, we feel that we are not nice people when we admit these feelings. But the point of this forum is to support each other not vilify those of us who acknowledge that we are failing.

Case in point: when he is in hospital I have all the patience for him in the world. Why? because then all I have to do is visit him and let him feel connected. I don't have to feed/change/wash/clean/ him. He gets a far more compassionate me when I do not have to deal with him and his energy 24/7.

Would I do this to my kids? Do I want them wiping my bum, cleaning up my feces, knowing that my kids and grandkids would feel like I do now? Not a chance. I would never move in with my kids, and will never expect them to do this for me. I am working my butt off to make sure that doesn't ever happen, so that they have choices of what to do with me when I get that old.