My wife of 54 years was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease 7-1/2 years ago. Add to that Congestive Heart Failure 3 years ago. I was her sole caregiver for 6+ years and finally had to find a secure place for her. The first place did not work out, so I moved her to another care facility out of state. She ended up loving that place and was at peace there. She was put on Hospice care in April, 2025 and they did a wonderful job caring for her. Her condition eventually worsened and she was treated for injuries sustained when she fell in the facility. Comfort measures helped her be at peace and she passed away in 3 days. I was with her when she passed and the tears started flowing. It's been 10 days and and my intense sadness continues. If I think of our life together, I am so sad and tears flow. When I am busy doing nothing, I seem to be ok. I am not motivated to do anything but mourn. My question - how will I be able to endure the extreme sadness and loneliness I feel over the loss of the love of my life?
I consider myself an Alzheimer caregiver survivor. Our journeys were similar. I, too, lost my wife of 52 years to Alzheimers after caring for her at home for 6 years and placing her in memory care for the last 2. And, yes, my grief was all consuming also, but grief is not a dead end that you're stuck with thru life. It's an experience you have to work thru by creating a new life for yourself. And it's up to you to determine what that life will be. It's not quick and it's not easy. Grief is not something you put up with. It is not something that time alone heals. You must work thru it. Your life still has meaning and purpose. You say you are “not motivated to do anything but mourn”. It's only been 10 days, I understand. But soon you must realize that you didn't die and, as I learned, life goes on.
I facilitate a men only dementia support group that averages 11+ men every meeting. Three of those men have recently lost their wives, one just last month, but they continue to come to the group to share their stories of caregiving. It's one of the actions they take to work thru their grief and at the same time help others. There may be grief support groups you could attend either in person or virtually. Google “www.griefshare.org” to see if there's a support group near you. Seek counseling if you must.
It's been 8 years since my wife's death and I'm happy where I am in life. I've overcome my grief long ago, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten her. I often reflect on our life together since high school and feel a sense of gratitude that she chose me to share her life with. To combat the loneliness and isolation I moved into an independent living facility and joined a church group that meets with 4th graders every month. I joined the Alz Assn and began support groups and community talks. I resumed friendships and began golfing again. Overcoming grief requires an action plan.
A book that helped me is “Getting to The Other Side of Grief; Overcoming the Loss of A Spouse”, by Susan Smeenge and Robert DeVries.
Es4279, I wish you strength, peace, and eventually happiness as you work thru the challenges of overcoming your grief. You will survive!
If you need to seek help from a licensed social worker who is trained in counseling and life transitions that may help; if you want a cognitive therapist that may help as well. At some point you may want to consider a move to assisted living where you are really in "family" and there is more activity.
I am so sorry for this loss, and I wish you the very best and hope you'll update us.
The sadness changes.
The pain changes.
You have the good memories, you have sad ones,
All of this is part of life.
You have been blessed with what was a great marriage. Not a lot of people are that lucky.
I have 2 quotes that I have hanging by my desk.
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage, not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love.
the other
Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is.
Give yourself time to process. Do not let anyone try to rush you through your grief. This is your time.
I am sorry for your loss 🙏
Of course your grief is overwhelming now, as you've lost the love of your life. That is quite normal, and will take time to navigate. So be patient and kind to yourself, and take as much time as you need to grieve.
Hospice does offer free grief counseling for 13 months, so I hope you will take advantage of that.
And I will leave you with this quote that someone shared on this forum a few years back, and one that I took great comfort in when I lost my husband almost 5 years ago now(and yes, life does go on).
"Grief never ends but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith....it is the price of love."
I remember when my mom was ill, I heard and saw my dad crying for the first time in my life. They were married 39 years. It was hard on me, and I remember my boss telling me to think of how my dad might be feeling. It was rough on me, but doubled on him.
After she passed, it was so hard no longer seeing them together. People often told me they would see them walking hand in hand together.
My dad made it through, but I always saw the sadness in his eyes from missing her. He went to church, he
would visit with his siblings and friends. He even found a new girlfriend, but she couldn't replace my mom.
Give yourself time. This will ease up. It hurts, I understand, but you're going to get through this. What you're feeling is normal, and there is no time limit on grieving. Don't let anyone tell you, otherwise.
Take care of yourself, be good to yourself and give yourself time.
The fact is our lives got destroyed and there's NOTHING we can do about it. They are gone from this Earth, but not from our hearts and minds. It has taken me almost 22 years and I still think about him and miss him every day.
Great love means great pain. It will be a long and lonely road. I'm sorry for your loss and sorry for mine. I must be here for a reason, which I don't know. You will survive, you will endure...by your inner strength you gained from having her in your life. Every day we live on Earth is a gift.
The website: widownet.org saved me those first years.
It feels incredibly painful because you loved her and you are human. But as time goes on, the pain will not be as strong and you will have longer periods of time when it will not dominate your thoughts. You are in a huge club with others. They have survived it and so will you. One day you will smile again.
I’m so very sorry. If I could send you a “pain reliever”, I would. I do care.