Why does grief make you push away the ones you loved?

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I met my boyfriend 5 months into him putting his life on hold to provide full time hospice care when his mom was given months to live from various kinds of cancer. He had no help. It was hard to see him but he made time. After a few months of dating, looking back now, I think everything got to him. I am not perfect but I was so good to him, there for him. He became very macho, stopped communicating, & was hateful at times. I felt like I could do nothing right. I had been abused by my ex-hub so I don't put up with much but I tried...it just wasn't him. When I DID stand up to him, it got worse. Eventually, I was convinced I just wasn't good enough for him. He was very hard on me, blamed me for everything. Nothing I could do made him happy...made him be nice for long.

I'm 33 & from day 1 thought I'd marry this man. I was going through h*ll in my life & he was my blessing....right?!! I told myself he was stretched thin trying to make me, mom & his (working) dad happy. We decided to be friends but that went over like giving a crack head skittles. Weeks before his mom passed, I tried to just fake it & be supportive. He stopped texting but I checked in daily. After she passed, he was sweet again, thanking me for being there & proving how much I loved him. Before long, one small thing made him snap & I was the crazy evil lady again. He blocked my #. (Not the 1st time). 2 weeks later I went to his house. He wouldn't open the door but SCREAMED through the door & said I'd done all sorts of things which weren't true. I was balling & apologized for not understanding how horrible this had all been. I blamed myself. I begged for forgiveness. His was screaming at his dad for letting me in & to get me out so I left within 1-2 minutes. YES I FELT HORRIBLE FOR HIS DAD!!! I felt horrible to cause my ex & his dad more pain!!! I had NO CLUE....because I'm an idiot....that he would or could be capable of that much hate.

I've read forums....these relationships don't seem to work out & I've been/am an idiot it seems....but YES, I do love him. I won't put up with being talked to like he did but can someone change JUST because of this? I just want to understand. This man made me feel loved. He tried for a good 7 months, despite BOTH our misery, to make it work. Until 1-2 months ago, I ALWAYS knew he loved me & feeling loved is rare for me. I CARE about this man but I also want to understand for many reasons....what the crap happened!!!? I'm ok alone!! I just got laid off from a job where I was miserable so it's all about new beginnings here. Not trying to save a burnt casserole. I just need peace of mind & my heart wants to help if I CAN. He didn't deserve to watch his mom die. He told me it was hard to fall in love with me while he was losing the woman he'd loved his whole life. No one deserves to be mistreated but no one deserves to feel what he's feeling....& he's alone...& I can't help him. Bless you all that have lost. I've only ever lost my best friend in a car wreck, next to me. Drunk driver hit us head on at 115mph & I'm only survivor. If it is any comfort...although I know it's not....I felt her so very close to me after she passed...& I knew, even though someone "took" her life, that she is where she's supposed to be. I can't explain that feeling or how I know it but I assure its accuracy & it's the comfort that got me through years of reliving that moment. Our loved ones are happy.

Thank you for your time. I do fear that I'm just cray cray & as I wrote this I thought, "Why would u put up with that!!? Who cares why!!?" Feel free to tell me the honest truth. Just have a heart when you do it, if you will. Please :) If you give criticism out of disgust, the receiver can assume you just aren't the happiest chicken in the cage. I'm human. I swear it

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Hope....I think you are far from crazy!!! You can google the requirements for being crazy but I know them and you don't meet them. You have resentment for your brother because he could take a HUGE weight off of your shoulders just by giving you SOME relief and he chooses not to. I saw this with Matt too. He stayed exhausted. His mom only wanted him. His dad lived there too but worked a LOT and when he WAS there he was not nice to his wife. Matt feared leaving her with him. He feared a lot, all the time. It SOUNDS like you are simply exhausted, my dear. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. When i go without sleep, I become a grouch. Now multiply that by your situation. Add pain, fear, sadness, etc. Many caregivers grieve the loss of their loved ones before they lose them. If this is happening, add that to your pile.. I don't think you're crazy or mean. You're not being mean to me. I think you're very very sad and tired. And I think it's very normal to not feel like you owe the world a happy face when you are giving all you have to your mom....especially when no one in that world is helping you. I WILL tell you that giving a stranger a smile feels good. We don't know why things happen but there IS a reason. When Charlie hit, and killed Chandra, I had the most unique experience as she lie there in the truck next to me. I refused to believe she was gone. She had just been knocked unconcious, I told myself. But as 3, then 4, 5 EMS & firemen checked her pulse....they had only checked mine once. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!!! I yelled. SHE'S FINE!! SHE'S FINE, RIGHT?!!!! Of course they couldn't tell me anything. They didn't need to. Their eyes gave them away. I still refused to believe it. It couldn't be!! She was my BEST friend. And I was driving. Yea, he hit us head on in my lane but I was still the reason. So it was impossible to swallow. She was still alive, i told myself. But then......i had the most overwhelming feeling hit me. Idk if it was her spirit still so close to her body....but I felt soooo much peace...in relation to her. And this thought PEARCED my mind, "Chandra is ok. She is where she is SUPPOSED to be." She had just been killed, murdered in a sense. How could God plan these things out? How could He be bigger than this? A drunk driver TOOK her life!!! It was NOT her time to go. BUT IT WAS. And somehow I knew that. And i wished I had some ability to SHARE what I had experienced with her family and loved ones. I felt bad for being the only one with such sacred knowledge. I can only assume that God knew I would blame myself for her death, and needed that knowledge to not go nuts. It could have just been that her spirit was still so close to her body....like I said. Who knows. I am not a religious person. I do have a relationship with God though. And i know it sounds crazy. And I know that telling you that God calls us home in HIS time doesn't make you miss them any less, want them back any less, or soften the blow ANY LESS. I only know that when I find myself wanting Chandra here, I know that "here" is not where her home is. She fulfilled her life on earth. She has other things to do now. I also know her spirit is never too far away. Our loved ones watch over us. I think if we knew how close they are, we might freak out! Lol. I do. God loves us sooooo much Hope. HE is always trying to help. HE also thinks you rock. He also knows you aren't mean or crazy. He does want you to be happy though and He's a thought away with ideas. Bless you. Didnt mean for this to get so spiritual btw. Hope i didnt freak you out or push you away. It just came out. I'm here if you need anyone. And Deb...shoulders are no joke!!! My back surgery was my worst cuz i had casts on both my legs & left arm so I couldn't walk while it healed so it healed sooooo tight. It's one big mass of bone & scar tissue. But I'm blessed! And i get not sleeping. Aghhhh. It's driving me nuts!!! My hours are so off since the pain & depression. I feel like such a lazy bum. Ok. Well. I prolly am. :) luv u ladies! What a blessing u r!!!
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I don't know....While I definitely agree with everyone here that no one should ever take abuse off of anyone, I do know that being a caregiver has changed me...I don't know yet if it is permanent because I'm still living it right now...I am normally a very kind, gentle soul and have always been a very happy person and was raised in a very loving home. I have one sibling who is very little to no help with the current caregiving activities, financially or otherwise, but I have personally become very cold feeling towards a lot of people and that is not me. I don't want people getting close to me and when they try they get on my nerves....I wish I understood it because I don't. I don't know if watching my Mama slowly wither away knowing that when she is gone I am going to be totally alone and I don't want to ever feel this close to anyone again because it hurts too much...who knows. I feel like Dr. Phil could write a book about me these days. I have never been a cold person..I have spent my life rescuing every creature on the face of the earth, have spent a lifetime volunteering in all kinds of groups. I have witnessed a lot of senior family members pass and looking back, even as a small child had to go with my parents when they were caregivers for their parents (my grandparents), their siblings and such, so since the time I was really little I feel like I have lived my entire life watching people die. As close as I was to my Daddy, and believe me, no daughter ever loved her Daddy any more than I loved mine, I don't think anything on the face of this earth has grabbed my heart as much as knowing I am going to lose my Mama soon. There are a lot of times I am so angry...and if I am honest I did curse at my brother right after the holidays ...mostly because none of them were there for us then, nor have they been since this all started...but that was certainly not me...I have apologized for it, but most people who know me have never seen this side of me....and like I said, I hope it is not permanent...I will be getting therapy big time if it doesn't ease up...but I guess to answer your question, and speaking from my perspective from my own situation, it has definitely changed me.....even as I write this I feel like I sound crazy...and am greatly tempted to delete the whole thing...but if it helps anyone, I guess I will send it.... but always please look out for yourself...you can't fix other people unless they want to fix themselves....(I say as I look in the mirror..)
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I'm sorry to hear about your back. I had back surgery in 2003. I have rods in my back. At the time I was married and I had a 13 yr old and a 3 yr old. It was hard but my shoulder surgery was worse. I have been up since 5am yesterday. I just couldn't go to bed and just lay there in the dark so I'm not going to bed. I can understand you being scared to drive or loved one's driving. I guess it's like everything and it will take time. I'm here if u ever need someone to talk with. I hope everyone has a great day.
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LisaB. Bless you darlin. Thank you. My depression from the bullying turned me into a hermit too. I used to pay my old roomie to go to the store for me. My boss, who loved me to pieces....when he turned on me.....it shattered my world. I lost so much of me. He believed a magical lie told to him and turned on me....but he knew better. I did grieve the loss of knowing i rock in the business world, the loss of that relstionship. I had lost my health when i got Meniere's. My job was all i had. It's such a hard hole to climb out of but i know you can be happy again. Grief takes years so give yourself time but i hope you find your happy again. Love yourself and life again. Im so sorry for your loss. For all of you. This whole experience has made me terrified of losing a family member. I have a mom left but my brothers and sisters are my heart. After my wreck i was terrified of losing them. Everytime they drove at night....oh my gosh. I still, to this day, can hardly tolerate anyone i care about driving after midnight. I will rent them a hotel room. I can hardly stomach the thought. Charlie hit me and Chandra at 1:45am on a Thursday morning. The roads...drivers...theyre never safe to me...i trust no drivers..... Anyway. But i drive. :) You have to
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***abusive men are dears. Very charming...
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Thank you all. I do have long lasting issues from childhood abuse but this guy was a dear the first few months. Abusive men are, until they realize they cannot control you....and so "could" someone possibly who is having serious issues as a result of being an overwhelmed caretaker, watching their mom slowly die. I hope this is his case, although I fear now it's not, but I do know I need to get away from & over him. It is hard but most things in life aren't a cake walk.

And I have never had love at first sight or felt what I felt for him. Abusive men are actually very skilled at being everything you want them to be. I actually don't put up with anything....not after my marriage. His change was just SO drastic and I was kinda in shock. We stopped dating. I told him I would not date him until we could be friends and he could show me he could be kind to me. I do truly refuse to tolerate that, but I shouldn't have tolerated it from him even as "friends". Deep down I knew he couldn't change back but i wanted to believe his behavior was a product of the h*ll he was living. He treated his mom like an angel. Painted her toenails, took her wherever she wanted, read her poems, held her hand, played with her hair. How could he be a monster? But it's not my job to figure this out anymore. I have to heal. Move on. That's hard enough as it is & I have a newly developed back problem from my wreck I have to heal from too. Pain & depression do not mix. He and the pain and daily migraines from Meniere's disease causing missed work, and being bullied for 2 years after being superwomam at my company for 6 years (makes staying home easier) equals i just got laid off, which is a blessing, but I have a bit to take care of. It's time to heal. My livlihood depends on it!! I truly thank you all. Your words mean a lot. More than you know.
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First of all your not a idiot . It sounds like to me you have a big heart that want's to find someone to love. I have been in abusive relationships and the last one was so bad I still have nightmares and it's been over 4 years. It took me a while to realize I didn't deserve for him to put me down and I was always doing something wrong. He told me I wasn't worthy of his love. My daughter was almost 11 at that time. I finally took that step ...I had to do it for my daughter. I'm happily married and I have never been this happy but with all my happiness last year I lost my grandmother. I was holding her hand when she passed.It was a year Jan 8, 2015 and my husband has to go to the store because I don't want to get out of the house. My life has pretty much been on pause for me but Never would I disrespect my loved ones. He sounds like my ex. Everything was my fault and said I did things that I didn't do. He has mental issues to me and losing his mom put him over. I agree with one of the other post's. I think he was like that from day one. Take one day at a time.I was 42 when my husband and I got married so it's never too late.
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Focus on loving yourself. Good plan!

Many of us on this site are in or recently have been in grief. We are watching/have watched our loved ones lose themselves and die. Grief does indeed do strange things to us, and we may not be ourselves for a while. In fact, the original reason behind wearing signs of mourning was as a kind of warning to others. "This person is emotionally fragile and may behave a little odd."

Others can share their grief experiences, but personally I don't buy that grief makes you push away the ones you love. I could be wrong but I sense something else is going on here.

But whatever the cause, this man is not ready to be in another relationship right now. Maybe if you'd met him a year from now things would be different. But they are what they are.

Accept that this relationship is not moving forward. Go on with your life.
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My suggestion is to get some counseling about why you would put up for more than five minutes with a man who is so hot/cold and was so cruel to you. He's got issues for sure, but you need to figure out why you are attracted to this kind of man, since you said you came from an abusive situation previous to this toxic relationship.

Maybe you're trying to prove you're worthy (by having this psycho love you), maybe the drama feels normal to you because of your childhood, who knows. But there's something going on since this is a pattern with you. A woman with a healthy ego and self esteem would run the other way after the first one or two incidents you cite. Yet you kept trying to make it work. Your words "from day 1 thought I'd marry this man" tells me you were very needy for a relationship. Maybe work on being OK with being by yourself for a while.

You do NOT deserve this type of behavior. And you need to learn what Iyanla Vanzant said, "When you see crazy coming CROSS THE STREET." It took me a long time to learn that, but now I can spot crazy a mile away and I run in the other direction. I'm too old for the drama and crazy. I wish the same thing for you!
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Thank you for your intelligence and honesty. It was around 9 months. We were "friends only" the last few. He text me yesterday actually and said he was not grieving and went on to list all of my real, exaggerated, and imagined flaws that were the downfall of our friendship and relationship. It for sure helped me see that he is not healthy for me, regardless of why he is so angry. I know i do not deserve that and I certainly cannot help him!! I do hope it's just grief. I hope he works through it. I'm just not able to help. It felt pretty toxic, after i let it go. We always want the best for people and I'm very caring....but I've learned the hard way that I'm not magical. People can't change for me. I do wish him the best....and hope this isn't his true nature. Gosh it was dark and hateful and angry at times. I just don't wish that on anyone. And you can't hide your heart....which he clearly had a good one.

But when i lost my best friend in a car wreck 11 years ago, i felt everyone's pain. I was with her when she died, the last to see her alive, so everyone needed me as closure or comfort or that person to blame. I FELT their anger. Not all towards me, of course....but i was there for many people's grievings...& no one's anger felt like his. Like my ex's.

I feel like the issues he had prior to this weren't yet resolved...& greiving can bring up unhealed wounds....

Bless you again for your words. I quit dating for years because i didn't want to keep attracting the wrong men, abusive men. I reckon i need to hit the books again and focus on loving myself cuz a stronger woman would have put an end to this months & months ago, knowing they didn't deserve it. I made excuses. You live & you learn... :)
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