Grandpa is making sexual advances toward granddaughter. I don't know what to do?

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This is regarding my boyfriend's grandpa- I'm pretty close to the whole family but recent events are making things complicated.

Grandpa is 91 years old and lives in a house by himself but my boyfriend and his sister take turns staying overnight to care for him to make sure he doesn't fall while going to bathroom, etc.
During the day- me and my boyfriend, his mother, his dad, his aunt, or his sister will stay with him depending on who is available. We help him make meals, take his medicine for his leg pain, bathe, and clean around the house.

This week a situation happened with my boyfriend's sister, she is the same age as me- 24 years old.
She was alone with him doing her homework at his house and he told her that she had nice legs and insisted that she let him touch them. She told him no. He continued to ask her to sit next to him so he could touch her legs and she continued to tell him no. She ended up leaving.
Today she was at his home once more and he asked again to touch her legs and body. She told him no repeatedly and followed with "Grandpa, I'm your granddaughter" and he said "I know". She left after he still continued to ask to touch her body.

My boyfriend's sister has told their mother about the situation but she oddly had no comment and ignored her. She typically is very caring, concerned and motherly. My boyfriend recalls his father once telling him "You know, I wonder what he (grandpa) did to his kids- your mom still sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night with wide eyes, like horrible things have happened to her". My boyfriend has always brushed this off but thinks his father might be onto something.

Grandpa is pretty witty, sharp minded and can converse fairly well. Mentally he seems all there. My boyfriend doesn't think he has dementia because grandpa does not act out of character when he is around. I am not sure what to think but I agree that he is mentally sharp and he does not act strange around me.

My boyfriend has decided to stop help caring for grandpa because he thinks he doesn't deserve help anymore. I think he feels betrayed because we have been helping him out a lot in the past year and now this has happened.
It's a sad situation to watch because he really admired him- his siblings used to say "You're just like grandpa" and my boyfriend said it was one of the best compliments because he looks up to him. And grandpa meant the world to his sister too.

I don't know what to do about my relationship with grandpa and the family because I believe my boyfriend's sister- I don't doubt what has happened. But I don't want to abandon grandpa, especially if he needs help physically or mentally.
I want to support my boyfriend and his sister- I care about grandpa too- but I feel conflicted, helpless and alone.

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My mother was obsessed with sex in the nursing home as well. At times, it was all she talked about until I told her to “Be a lady and ladies don’t talk like that.”

I believe BF’s sister needs to drop out of the picture for a while. Stay away from Grandpa. Split the caregiving between whoever is left and leave her out of it. He’s obviously obsessing about her. If he has dementia, telling him no isn’t going to work. It’s a shame her mom is in denial. Maybe she has experience with Grandpa’s obsessions? If Grandpa doesn’t have dementia, this could very well be a dangerous situation for Granddaughter. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should Granddaughter be bathing him or providing any other personal care! 

If BF has decided to call it quits, you need to respect his decision. It’s HIS grandpa.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Any change Gpa has dementia? My father went through a phase of dementia where he really acted creepy and acted like he was a 92 year old gift to women. It really was hard to take. Is there any chance that your boyfriend's sister can be taken out of the rotation? She seems to be the one in a scary situation.

You are NOT alone. Dementia/Alzheimers is a nasty disease that can make elderly extemely hard to care for, let alone like. Come back to this forum...many wise folks on here. Good luck.
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Reply to Mincemeat
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I think you need to find out if this is his usual behavior.

A change in mental status, which this represents, if he's not a habitual "dirty old man", needs to be reported to his doctor. He could have a UTI, or have had a stroke, which sometimes removes the filters on his behavior.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Your feelings about supporting and standing with this woman are correct. This guy NEEDS to be confronted by more than his victim...by your boyfriend especially because often times, male solidarity in saying "This isn't right." is especially important.

This will also help uncover if there is some mental condition at play or if as other family suspects, this is a continuing cycle of abuse.

It goes without saying that the grand daughter should have no more contact with this man on her own, and she should have 100% of the say in seeing him at all after this. If she isn't comfortable being around him anymore, support her in that!
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Reply to OneLastStraw
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Unless the old man has been a lifelong abuser chances are very good he has other signs of losing cognitive function but everyone is shrugging it off. Having him agree that he knows his granddaughter doesn't mean he understands what he is doing is wrong, I know of one man who admitted his belief that his wife was having an affair was impossible and wrong, but the next breath he said he still believed it - these kinds of delusions and misconceptions can be very strong.

Unless he is being aggressive I wouldn't jump in to defend BF's sister, she is a 24 yr old young woman, not 14 - whatever she chooses to do you need to support her decision. "Punishing" grandpa isn't going to change his behaviour because he really isn't in control anymore. All dementia isn't Alzheimer's, and all the "classic" symptoms we see in the media are not always present or even the first clues that something is amiss.


edit: I just realized it sounds as though I'm advising you all do nothing - that's not what I meant at all, I think the family needs to open their eyes and come up with a solution that takes everybody's needs into consideration. Perhaps the grandfather needs more care than the family can provide, he certainly needs a physical and cognitive assessment. Whether the young woman feels she can continue to handle the inappropriate comments or not should be up to her.
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Reply to cwillie
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I just want to say what happened in My family, my Mothers oldest sister (ALL of this older generation is now gone now, passed away) was married to a pervert. That entire generation knew of it, as he molested my cousin, his only daughter, his only Son, his granddaughter, and an attempt on one one of my older Sisters at about age 13, which scarred her for life, I am not privy to the details of the others, but I'm sure there are probably more victims, as I know he was married before, for a short time, but never had any contact with his previous family, Hmmmm. 

Being that this was a generation of  "covering up", his dirty little secrets were still "addressed by several of my Uncles,my Grandparents, and my own Mother and Father, with threats of ostracation and physical violence against him, so that it would not happen again,  what my own parents did, was create a buddy system amongst their 6 kids, never to be alone anywhere near him, but also my parents made sure to keep a close eye on him at family functions. Definitely not the best and most complete blockade of defences against him, but that is what it was, and to my knowledge,  it worked.

For some reason the "Oldies" chose not to prosecute him in a court of law, probably in reverence to my Mom's sister, who (from what I understand), was in some amount of denial about the extent of the situation,  or because she was reliant on his paycheck, we're talking about the 50's and 60's, where our Mom and 4 Aunties were all housewives.  Lets say that there were a lot of kids (cousins), all being closely supervised. 

And also, my entire family ALL of that generation, immigrated here from Wales, UK, all sponsored by this particular American GI Uncle, so I'm sure they all had a particular allegiance to him to some degree, in protecting him from prosecution,  and it was also unfortunately a thing of the times, families tended to cover up, and make allowances for the family pervert. Nonetheless,  my Dad espespecially,  was Always on the lookout for something untoward happening to All of the children in this Uncle's proximity, and never let any of us alone with him. My older 4 sister's too, kept a close eye out on him, to protect Me and my younger brother. It wasn't a "secret" in the family (except for the very young ones), but only to "outsiders" and to the Police and court system, it was handled "internally ", not that this was the Correct way to do it, but it is what it was.

Interestingly enough,  this Uncle ended up having both his feet amputated due to gangrene, from poor Diabetic foot care in his 60's, Hmmmm!

Now, I'm not saying that this is in Any way what is happening in Your own family,  but if your husbands Mother is "covering up",  from what you have mentioned, it does sound like perhaps she is aware of the situation,  or quiet possibly, was once a victim of Grandfathers dirty deeds, and like most abuse victim's, has been covering up for him for a very long time, because like most perverts, they do have other redeeming qualities,  that 'somehow" allow for such degenerate actions, as in my own family.  Also in my own family,  this Uncle was still considered a revered Husband,  BIL, Grandfather and Uncle,  but much of what he did, has come out many years after the fact, most of which, After all of the Oldie generation was passed.

I know that my own sister was deeply affected, was terrified of him, and Hated him with passion. The scars of her one (interupted) interaction with him still surface to this day. If the subject is ever brought up, she still becomes hysterical,  and immensely concerned about any other possible victims in the family or elsewhere,  mostly for our eldest girl cousin (his daughter), whom we girl cousins all have a very close relationship with, let's say, it's not exactly a club you wish to be a member of. But we work through it the best we can, giving them support,  and mostly to qualify that we do believe that these things did happen to them.

It's just something to think about, these kinds of degenerate actions in families Do get Covered Up, either due to the repercussions of What Might Happen,  Shame, Embarrassment,  Guilt,  or perhaps the victim was told to keep it quiet,  for fear of outside repercussions. It's the victim in this case, who needs to be comforted, and she should Never be put into a position of having to care for her Grandfather if she doesn't want to,  End Of!

What the Mom chooses to do with this information is on her, but remember,  she likely was a victim herself!  
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Reply to staceyb
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If I were the granddaughter, I would stay away from this creepy old guy for as long as his mind was set on molesting her.

For now, he's only asking to touch her legs, what if next time he finds her breasts irresistable.

Whatever the reason that causes the gp to act out sexually, it does NOT matter. It is wrong for him to touch his own gd. He might psychologically scar her for life if he gets his way.

And the mother.... she disgusts me.
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Reply to polarbear
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So, here's my take.

Grandpa has a history of this sort of thing, which the mom knows ( either because she was the victim, or was told...). She'd rather not open up this can of worms because past abuse will come out, oh, the shame and humiliation. So, she thinks better just ignore. And force daughter to endure.

Pretty upsetting, right?

How about boyfriend accompanies grandpa to a doctors visit and has this discussion? Without mom?

Mom is likely scared if her dad goes to AL, all this will come out. Makes her desperate to keep him home.

Mom could use a visit to a mental health professional in dealing with all this.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Pervert or demented, new behaviour or part of a lifelong trend - we can only guess which is true. Sooner or later the old man's care was going to become greater than the family could handle, if BF and sis step out (and I agree they should) that time is probably now. Mom is going to be upset that the s**t has hit the fan, stepping away from GF doesn't mean you can't be there to help her plan the next phase, if she will let you.
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Reply to cwillie
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If Grandpa insists that “this is just the way it is”, he’s gotten away with it before. Probably more than once. When I was 13, I was already a 38C bra size. It was the era when we wore bras that made the breasts hard and pointy. I had an aunt and uncle I adored but my uncle would just sit and stare at me when they visited. He never “tried anything”, but it creeped me out nonetheless. When I mentioned it to my mom, she blew me off. I think it’s because these moms came from an era when sex just wasn’t discussed, especially perverted and/or prohibited sex.

This mom knows something. She may not even be aware she knows something. Grandpa may not have dementia. Not all old people do. He may just consider any young girl he takes a fancy to as fair game. If Mom has been getting respite help from these kids, she may dread having to take on more responsibility for this Dirty Old Man if they back off. I think next we will read that she is ordering them to take care of Grandpa. Guilting them into it. I pray they resist. Sadly, I don’t think that the confrontation with Grandpa did much good. If he has dementia, he didn’t understand what they were telling him. If he doesn’t, he’s just defending what he’s probably done all his life and gotten away with. But, if he doesn’t have dementia, at least now he knows they’re on to him.
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