What can I do about my Grandmother's (83) 'boyfriend' (65) who requests money from her?

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She sends him whatever he wants.


My Grandmother has $1,000 per month to live on. In 2010 I bailed out my Grandmother, after she had overdrawn her account by $750. We had an arrangement that I would keep her checkbook, and all the checks / ATM cards in my possession. I would visit her during the first week of the month. We would hang out, and pay her bills. I would give her a check for cash, which she could spend any way she needed. Mid-month, we would visit again, and she would receive another check for cash, and be able to spend it anyway she saw fit. This was working until, she met a man (20 years her junior).


After keeping her checkbook for about 18 months, without any trouble, Grandma decided that she needed all her cash upfront at the beginning of the month. Due to our past experiences I knew this was not a good idea. She was of sound mind, and decided that she wanted her checkbook back, and she was going to marry this man. I did not have a POA or any document saying she could not take care of herself, so I gave her checkbook back, after a strongly worded, matter of fact, discussion.


A couple months later she married this man, at the courthouse without any family present, (odd because she has always gone to church). Over the course of a couple years, they moved 4 times. During their marriage, he had her get rid of of the items she brought to the marriage, pots & pans, nick knacks, her pictures of family were stored away. I had to step in several times to "help" with financial or physical needs. Why me, the grand daughter, and not her children? Easy explanation..I am the eldest grandchild, and have a relationship with her that the children do not. I let her live her life, but watch over her to make sure she does not get hurt, used, or taken advantage of. Her children were over the top, and wanted control of her life. Which most children feel the need to do.


Well after about 2 years, this man decided that he had to leave my grandmother, and moved out of state, without telling her. They stayed married, for several months. He finally agreed to a divorce and their marriage was then ended. While he was living in this other state, I helped Grandma with her finances, and whatever she needed. After the divorce, they started talking on the phone again. He apologized for how he had treated her. He said that the people in his area were helping him to be a better person. Yadda yadda yadda, she started sending him money.


Jump to late 2015. Still in two different states, he made promises of marriage and moving her to be with him. This fell through, as he said it would be too expensive for them to live in his area, on their income. He told her he was going to move back here, so they could be together, and remarry.


The date is approaching for him to return. He requested money for help in getting moved back. Remember earlier I said she lives on about $1,000 per month? Well, I found out in the second week of March, that she was over drawn again. In my gut, I knew that she had sent this man money, the only question was, how much. We went shopping and I looked at her checkbook. She had sent him $1,300 at the first of the month, so he could pay for his way to move back. (or so he says) She is overdrawn by hundreds of dollars again. I will help her, but I need advice. He requests her money, and she sends it to him, with the promise that he is helping her live a better life, and Love.


Where do I go, what do I do? I have her checkbook for the moment, because I said we needed to go to the bank to figure this out, and I did not want her writing any further checks until we get there. She agreed this was a good decision. I am very concerned about her emotional needs, as he keeps "yanking her heart strings". I am also concerned about her living expenses. Her rent check was returned to the landlord, and she has no money for the rest of the month. Don't get me wrong, I will help her out and make sure she has what she needs, however I do not even know where to start with this man. He has an emotional tie on her and can manipulate her to do whatever he wants her to do. I need pointed in a direction to help me, help her. Any thoughts?

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I would seek conservatorship that allows you to handle her money like you had been doing before. If that could be granted, then she would not be able to ask for the checkbook back. She would get an allowance and that is all. This isn't being mean to her, but it keeps the con-man's grubby paws off the money. I would keep the allowance small and pay the rest of the bills myself. I bet if the allowance is very small, the con-man will evaporate.

I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have another woman or two on the hook in the same type way now. Conning older women can be a lucrative business. I've even heard of it being done out of prison. I believe there will be a special place in hell for this type of predatory man that robs the widows.
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Thank You all for your answer's. I truly appreciate all the help I am receiving. By chance my mother showed up at my house today, and since her sister lives with me, we got their brother and his wife on the phone, and started some planning. My Uncle's wife is going to speak to a group she worked with during her mothers decline. I am hopeful that they will point us in the right direction we need to go, to legally handle this situation. We are going to meet again Monday evening and discuss what my Aunt finds out. I am glad that I did bring my Mom and her siblings into this, because I just can not do it alone. And I am their 'in' with her. As long as she does not think I am a double agent, then I can still make sure she is taken care of, until we can get her safely away from this man.
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Since you've had to bail her out a couple of times I think it's appropriate for you to keep the checkbook again and continue to give her money as needed. It sounds like she needs someone to control her finances. And if you've got the finances covered for now you'll soon see what the gentleman's priority is. Your grandmother or her money.
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I understand the care and concern behind bailing her out financially, but she could be relying on that, and unwittingly, you're enabling her. I don't write that to be accusatory - I probably would do the same thing without realizing what I was doing.

I don't know whether there are sufficient grounds to get a PPO (Personal Protection Order) to restrain him from contacting her, but I would seriously consider it. If you have evidence to document and prove his financial manipulation, that's elder abuse.

I wonder also if this man has been married repeatedly, and possibly simultaneously, and is bilking all his wives. It's a question I would raise with local law enforcement as well as request advice on what your options are.

If it does turn out that he's a serial marital abuser, and/or if he's scammed other women in other states, the police might work with other states law enforcement departments to bring multiple charges against him.

I would also do some online research to determine if Illinois has a state elder agency, and if so, if it provides legal advice. Michigan does; I've gotten good advice for free, but I'm an elder and am income qualified to get the advice for free.

You might be able to learn whether IL has specific elder abuse statutes that could be invoked against this guy.

Good luck; I hope you nail him!
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If this guy is 20 years younger than your grandmother, he's using her, obviously. I don't know if it would work, but if you can seek guardianship, then you can hire an attorney to send a letter threatening him with legal action, maybe a restraining order, because this guy is a loser.
Think about the fact that if he marries her again, HE could go for guardianship and control all her income and there would be nothing you could do at that point?
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Grandma is losing the ability to make sound decisions and can no longer handle money. Seek Guardianship immediately. It is important to start the petition in order to protect her from the man, who quite frankly, may be losing it himself. Neither one of them sounds competent enough to sign a marriage license. Now go see your attorney and get it started.
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