Grandmother refuses to do anything and says no to everything. Advice?

L, thanks SO much for circling back with an update.

Antidepressant medication can be such a game changer!!

Follow up.... We took her to the doctor who ran all sorts of blood work and discovered she is completely healthy. She prescribed a real low dose of an anti-depressant and said it would take 2-3 weeks to see any changes. Well, it has been a miracle! We have our grandma back. She is back to her usual self. Laughs, plays cards, more communicative and gone is the dark, hateful, angry lady.

There is longevity in our family. She is from a family of 10 kids and four are still with us in ages from 90 to 102. My aunt (90) is her guardian and gives me a stipend and pays for my health insurance. I thought perhaps she knows the end is near and that is why she is behaving this way, but it came on so suddenly that I am questioning myself. She doesn't have a uti and is having regular bms. I'm afraid to let her stay in bed for fear she'll never get up again and I can't physically move her. I've made an appointment to speak to her doctor on Monday.

Are her bowels moving properly? My DH Aunt, 94, dementia acts much the same with constipation or UTI. After I’ve checked all the boxes on what I can do, I just let her be. Sometimes she gets up after the expectation that she comply is removed.
When she goes back to bed or doesn’t want to get up, try just leaving her for awhile and then go in and visit with her. No pushing your agenda. Grandma, how did you get your fried chicken to be crispy? What was your favorite game as a child? Let me read you what I found on Aging Care today. doesn’t this sound like uncle wanting to drive? Anything except what you want her to do.

I know it’s difficult for you to switch gears. we are so accustomed to promoting healthy living that we forget that life comes to an end. It may be that a New written care plan will help you. One that addresses her wishes at this point in her life. If you haven’t already, call in hospice for an evaluation. They can help you identify issues and help keep her comfortable and provide you with support through transitions.

I think everyone would benefit from reading “Being Mortal, Medicine and What Matters in the End” by Atul Gawande.

Keep in touch and let us know how she is doing.

Grandmother is 100 years old.

If grandmother will not eat, make sure you at least give her some supplemental nutrition shakes such as ensure. Try to get her to drink water, also.

Wow. Grandmother has been blessed with a very long life.

Also could be a UTI. They cause all kinds
of abrupt behavior changes in the elderly.

At 100 things change quickly.

Please let her decide what she will be doing for her days.

Staying in bed is okay as long as she is hydrating and being fed, if she wants to eat, as well as being moved every 2 hours to avoid bedsores.

You should prepare your heart for the inevitable. She could go anytime and you don't want to have regrets about anything.

God bless you for taking care of your grandmother.

Your profile says she is 100. At that age I say she gets to do what she wants, including stay in bed all day. It's dementia and there's no point in trying to fight it --- you can't change her anymore. The anger wears one down to a nub when you have to steep in it all day. I'm so sorry. Her medical PoA can discuss medications for her mood with her doctor so that she isn't constantly agitated. It will help both of you.

I worked really had for 1-1/2 yrs to get my MIL on Medicaid into a really nice AL facility thinking she'd really enjoy the activities, beautiful lakeside gardens and nice people. Nope. She steadfastly refuses to get out of bed. No reason. Just won't. She's 88 now in LTC and she has a lot of longevity in her family. Ugh.

On a related issue, I'm hoping you are getting compensated fairly for providing her care. You are giving up your opportunity for full-time employment where you might be receiving health/dental insurance, vacation, 401K, etc. Otherwise this is being "robbed" from your future even though you are voluntarily caring for her. Your gramma and whoever is her financial PoA should be doing this. I wish you all the best!