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My grandmother moved in with us almost a year ago. She had a very traumatic time after her hip surgery and during this time my Uncle (her son) passed away. He lived with her and we decided to move her in with us. I am an RN and she is now pretty much independent. I left nursing to be home with my toddler and her. We recently moved from a 1100 sq ft home with no basement to a 2300 sq ft home with a basement to help with space for us.


My grandmother did raise me, so it’s like having my mother here. Since living with us she has been beyond anxious, rude, mean, intrusive and so much more. Our relationship is nonexistent and I don’t know what to do. She parents my daughter and interjects when she shouldn’t. When I confront her, she cries and puts it on me.


I'm trying my best and she’s really the only family I have. I don’t know what to do. We emptied her house out because we planned on her staying with us but I feel trapped and like it’s ruining my marriage and my life.


My husband and I NEED to get out of town for a little and she tells me that she won’t stay alone. They’re starting to have arguments because of how she treats me and we were talking about having another child but he doesn’t want to bring a baby into this situation.


I’ve talked to her about counseling or medication and she gets upset with me. I feel like if she moves out I’m abandoning her and I’ve already sold or gotten rid of the stuff from her house.


How do I fix this, move past this or be okay with her leaving?

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I think you know the answer. You are already losing your life to her...when your husband says now he does not want to bring another child into the situation, you should realize that she must go into a facility, or your life as you know it may be over. Don’t sacrifice yourself and your family..Grandmother has had a good run, but it’s your turn. Find a good place and buy a few basic pieces she needs for her new home, and let go of this guilt. This situation will not get better with age.
Best wishes.
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Reply to ML4444
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First things first: your husband and you are planning to be out of town for how long? Taking your little daughter with you?

This could be an opportunity. When your grandmother says she won't stay alone, is she expecting you not to go, or to take her with you, or what?

If it's that she has never adjusted to the idea of being on her own in the house since the loss of your uncle, what about looking for respite care nearby and using this time to see how she takes to life in a good facility?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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I suggest finding an AL that accepts Medicaid after a set number of years private pay. Plan on using funds from the sale of her house together with her SS to provide for a few years of private pay AL. You could use your family trip as an opportunity for her to try out the AL in a respite stay.

Please consider your grandmother's behavior sounds much like early to mid stage dementia behaviors, particularly if those aggressive personality traits are something new to her old age. My father with vascular dementia had very few memory problems even in the end stages; however, he displayed personality changes and selfish aggressive behavior from the early stages.

Just because your GM raised you is no reason for you to compromise your and your family's lives. You helped your GM with direct care and emotional support following her hip surgery and your uncle's death. Well done. Now that GM has recovered and has most of her independence back, go back to being her advocate and help her find more appropriate living arrangements. Your primary obligation and responsibility is to your child, your husband, your marriage and your future child - they ALL come before your GM.
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Reply to TNtechie
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For the sake of your marriage and child, she needs to move into to either assisted living or nursing home. As countrymouse suggests, place her in a facility for respite care while you & husband go out of town. She just might like being with people her own age.
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Reply to peace416
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I am so sorry that things are so difficult for you. You need a break. Take a trip. Make arrangements for her to stay at an assisted living facility while you are gone. Some offer respite care for caregivers.

This is a good way for her to experience a facility as well. Do you feel that she needs more care than assisted living? You could look at nursing homes in your area to place her.

Marriages do take a hit when couples are primary caregivers to a loved on. It’s stressful. When there are children in the home it’s even harder.

I realize its awkward but you will have to have another talk to her about not interfering with your parenting.

Tell her that you really wanted to help her out but you now realize that this situation is not working out for any of you. Tell her that you are going to look into finding her an appropriate place for her to live and you will visit her.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Grandmother has had a lot if disruption in her life in a relatively short time - perhaps independent living would be good for her and for you.  Can you look into options for independent or assisted living? Don't feel guilty - actually the greater socialization in a AL may be very good for her. 
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Reply to rovana
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Please check out frontotemporal lobe disease. She may have had damage to the front part of her brain that manages executive functions. Usually the patient is unaware of the changes.

Also realize that Gram has been uprooted from her "normal" - in her own home, in charge of her place and the relationships within. She is probably muddling through doing what feels normal to her as the head of the household. Discuss with your husband what would be the best ways for Gram in relate to both of you and your child. Start reinforcing whenever her behavior is in line and gently remind her when she oversteps boundaries.

It might be helpful to bring in others to help with Gram's care - family, friends, church, and paid help - so she gets used to others helping. Then, you can have those getaways you need. If your trip is imminent, then explain to Gram that _____ (fill in the blank) will be staying to housesit and help her when she needs it.

If she becomes so negative that it is hurting all your family member, it may be time to place her somewhere else full time. Facility staff can go home after a long day with difficult people. You can't escape when the difficult person lives with you.
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Reply to Taarna
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Did you commingle her money with hers when you bought the bigger house?
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Reply to CTTN55
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Now that she has reached the point of pretty much being independent, maybe it's time to have a discussion about her moving to an independent living community. If she needs just a little more help, there are assisted living communities that will manage medication, do laundry, provide 2-3 meals a day, and have somebody check up on her during the day. All of them have activities and maybe your grandma would make some new friends.

We are looking to move my own grandma into a mixed independent/assisted living community. We've already looked at multiple facilities and picked one to take her back to. She does not know about it yet. My grandpa was a veteran and grandma qualifies for VA survivor benifits. Once we know what the VA will give her, then we'll talk to her about it.

My suggestion would be to look at 4-5 communities first, figure out what she can afford, and take her back to 2. That way, if there is anything you don't like about a place, you can cross it off the list. Take somebody with you like another family member or even a really close friend. Two sets of eyes and input from another person is helpful. My mom and I discussed what we liked, didn't like, what grandma would like or not like, and weirdly enough, amenities. One place was crossed off this list because another facility would transport her to doctors appointments. Things like that. Figure out what she needs and what she can afford. Do the legwork so your grandma doesn't get overwhelmed.
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Reply to SNeedsAVacation
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I'm thinking for the sake of your relationship, she needs to move out if she has the finances to do so. Her moving to a senior apartment or assisted living and helping her with the transition is not abandoning her. She wouldn't need all that much stuff to reestablish a new living arrangement. I think you and your husband should beg8n to make plans for the vacation. As part of the planning, can you find someone she can stay with? Or maybe have her relocated before you go away.
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Reply to Peanuts56
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