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For nearly 2 years I was the day time caregiver for my Grandparents. Grandpa passed away just a month ago.

Since then my Grandmother has kicked me out of the family 3 times. Twice I bit my tongue and did my best to get back into her good graces.

The last time I finally threw in the towel because I was tired of the abuse. She blames me for everything wrong in her life. If she loses something, it's my fault.

She had tried to boot me out many times before, but when Grandpa was alive he would tell her to knock it off. Now there is no one to reign her in.

Now my Mother is saying she can't handle it all falling on her shoulders and crying all the time. I try to explain that I lost both Grandparents essentially, in one month. One to death and one because of their own choice.

I don't want to take the abuse anymore from anyone. But it's killing me to hear my Mom cry. I'm trying to find full time employment now and finish college. They expect me to give it all up to be their servant and caregiver.

Grandma has mobility issues, forgets things, is confused easily depending on the day and so on. Mom won't admit that Grandma needs more help then we can give her. Even with the two of us in her good graces.

I'm emotionally exhausted from the abuse and guilt. I just don't know what to do.

Can anyone help me out? Has any dealt with this themselves?

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I am looking for full time employment first. I've applied a lot already. I have a background in beauty and luxury sales. The staffing places don't see me as a qualified candidate because I don't technically have office skills. I've already applied with them and have been told no.
College was put on hold this semester due to Grandpa being on hospice and his passing. Which, is ok. I am not angry about that at all. I don't regret my time with him.
But I found out why my Mom has been pushing so hard for me to pick up the pieces again, she wants to take a weekend vacation and is worried about Grandma. I brought up the point that if she needs that much care, she shouldn't be left in her home. I will not work full time and continue to care for her.
My Mom also has no intentions of seeking employment any time in the near future. She said she is quite content keeping her "promise to her father on his death bed".
He would come back and smack her upside the head if he heard her say that.
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I'm not sure where you are in school, but think about taking a student loan to finish school. If you promised your grandfather to live a life he would be proud of, then thinkof what he would want you to do. Have you checked with the work placement agencies. This is how some companies hire for full time employee's as they can take you for a short time to find out if you are a good worker or not and they don't have to pay benifits until they do hire you. Just a thought. One thoughgt though is
if grandma is like this to you, what was she like to grandpa.
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I actually live at home with my Mom. And I truly appreciate everyone being so supportive. It's one thing to hear it from someone who has never dealt with this situation; but hearing it from people who have, has helped me.
I think this entire ordeal has opened my eyes to life in general. I'm forcing myself to go out and do things. I try not to just sit and fester.
Printing out resumes tonight to hit the job market tomorrow. Very excited and nervous. But this is what is needed to give me my life back.
And I do deserve to be happy.
My boyfriend and I have talked about living together. We want to make sure that WE are okay first. It's been a long time since we have been able to work on our relationship.
My next move needs to be smart, calculated.
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This is your parents' responsibilty - not yours! Get on with your life and don't look back or second guess. You deserve a life. Your intentions were obviously good and you did a lot of good and gave up 2 yrs so you have done more than most.

I have 2 sons, 24 and 26yrs and I would never put them in this situation or make them take on this caregiver responsibility. Living with grandparents and "helping out" is one thing (like running errands, etc.) but full time or even part-time caregiving is a huge burden and responsibility.

Don't look back, do whatever you have to do -- get roomates, a part time job, whatever to be able to be in school or support yourself. Set boundaries -- with grandma and your mother. Let them know that you have done your time and the responsibilities require more time and skill than you can provide. Tell you mom to get on the internet, join this site for advice and support and also to go to her local Senior Services Center to get more info and advice for help for your grandmother.

Don't look back! Best of Luck!

PS. You won't lose their love over this...they'll be a little sad, maybe mad at first -- because now things have to change; but it will be better for everyone. You can continue to call, send cards, visit when you are able.
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BQ, you sound like a very resourceful, intelligent person. I'm betting you will make this work now that you have made a decision!

You haven't worked for a while and you don't have savings. I get that. Think outside the box. Do you have a good friend, cousin, former coworker who might let you sleep on her couch and store your stuff in her garage in exchange for doing her housework until you've worked a couple of months? (You may certainly sleep on my couch if you'll do my housework -- I'll even give you the guest room!) If you need to finish a degree, how about taking out a college loan for room, board, and tuition? (One of my aunts went back to school for an LPN degree in her sixties, and she lived in the dorm!)

I take it you are now living in your GM's house? If so, in many states she would have to serve you with an eviction notice giving you a specified amount of time, even if you are not paying rent. Just a thought ...
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omg wish I was 31 again. Say "Good Riddance" and get on with your life. Get your store--I'd go to West Texas, though, if I were you. CA is a nightmare for taxes.
Enjoy your life and do what YOU want to do. IT IS YOUR LIFE!!! Go back for visits once a year and as you are going home tell yourself, "I am such a good little girl for keeping in touch with my family." Enjoy the life that God gave you, please.
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Thank you, but my Mom has actually worked with the elderly for over 20 years. She is fully aware of it, as am I.
Sadly as we are all aware, it is different when it is your own family. You can't just clock out of your shift and leave it for someone else to deal with for a few hours. It's always on.
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Please read books and gain knowledge on what is happening to your grandmother. I am an adult, with my own children, and I did not understand my mother, until I gained the information.
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Oh trust me, I don't want to be in the middle of this anymore. As for her mental status, as far back as I can remember, Grandma has threatened to run away and leave us. Even as children, both my Mother and myself dealt with this behavior. As we got older, we told her to leave, run away.
Now she can't threaten it, so she's pushing us away.

Grandma sent over a check for some groceries she owed me for getting her. Attached was a note saying she wanted her remote control back to her home because I have no right to enter without her being there.

I left the remote on the kitchen table for my Mom to take back.

Mom of course keeps pushing us back together, even though at this point I think we either need time apart or to call it quits.

You are all correct that I need to get out of this situation. Welcome to the catch 22 here. I haven't worked full time in a long time due to this. I don't have the savings to move out. So stuck until I can get my financial situation settled a bit.

My heart goes out to everyone else suffering through these situations. It's one thing to lose a loved one because they have passed. It's a completely different thing when they choose to leave or kick you out.

Just makes me wonder if she even wanted a family. Grandpa was my best friend, my teacher and essentially my father. (my dad left when I was 4yrs old). I promised him I would live a life he would be proud of me for. I feel it is the best way to honor him. I also promised to finish my education and to tell a bad joke every day. He loved bad jokes.
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Beautyqueen, I agree with the others who say you need to get on with your life. Eventually your mother will HAVE to admit she needs help (other than yours) and find it. If that means forcing her to deal with this on her own until she reaches out, then so be it. Leave the guilt behind, it does no one any good. There's nothing you can do at this point, so walk away till your mother tells you to help her find somewhere or someone else to deal with her own mother. At that point you can help your mother find the help she needs. Until then, go about your business please. ♥
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First, understand that bad behavior can be the result of dementia. Anger and abuse can be part of it. There's nothing you can do about it and nothing you can do to solve it. It's part of the disease, and you can't fix that.

Second, Grandma only has the power that you and your mother give her. It never would have dawned on my mother to "kick" one of my kids out of the family, but I never would have let them be treated like that either.

Third, Grandma has had her life and now it's your turn. It's up to your mom to bridge that gap and not let her mother's problems stand in the way of her daughter's future. Maybe it's time for Mom to find outside help or consider a care facility for Grandma. If she's not willing to do that for herself and you, then maybe it's time for you to figure out a way to do this all on your own so that you can come over to just visit instead of to live there. I know convenience and money are issues, but there are many reasons why adults need to leave the nest, even if they aren't in the perfect position to do so. You sound racked with guilt over your mother's problems. But Grandma created them and perpetuates them and your mom tolerates them. I don't see anything there for you to feel guilty about.

Maybe mom wants someone to share the misery with. You don't have to let that be you.
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Walk away. Let time and distance be your friend. Grandma may come to her senses and want you back. On the other hand, making you leave may be what she really wants, as sad as that seems. My mom disowned me and my kids and time and distance didn't change her mind. She meant it. BTW, while my dad was alive he'd tell her to knock it off when she was mean to me. Odd how the day after dad died, she turned on me like a pit bull. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, just food for thought
Your mom needs counseling. She should never expect her child to shoulder her responsibilities. For you to give up a normal life in your 30s is not normal. Say no.
You can be of help from a distance. This is your mom's problem now.
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BQ:

Hurt people hurt others. Get a job that allows you to live on your own and get out of that situation before you become a bitter old maid. Your grandmother's marbles are virtually intact, so she knows what she's doing. And you mother is going to have to build a support network so she won't have to do it all.

It's your choice: become a self-respecting, independent woman or remain a doormat until Grandma is gone.
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Thank you all very much. Yesterday I was actually able to leave the house without being guilted, or allowing it.
A lot of my friends are going through similar things right now. We're all in our 30's, helping our parents take care of their parents.
I don't want to lose both my Grandparents, but hopefully time will heal this wound.
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Read this book. It is right on. Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent.
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Grandmother kicked you out. What can you do?

Say "thank you" and "good bye." Continue your education. Get your career back on track. Date and decide if you want to share your life with a partner. Get a life.

Your mother has a lamentable lack of maternal instinct. Given the person who raised her, perhaps that is not so surprising. As sharonmit says, expecting a child to give up their life to care for an elder (as opposed to helping out sometimes, which we all appreciate) is something very contrary to what most of us as mothers would allow, let alone expect.

If your mother cannot handle her mother's care, that is perfectly OK. But then she needs to make decisions and arrangements. This is NOT your responsibility, and the fact that your grandmother does not want you to do it compounds the reasons you shouldn't. I feel sorry for your mother. She just lost her father and now is faced with dealing with her mother. That is sad. If she were posting here I would be sympathetic. But please be very clear about the fact that this is Not Your Fault. And grandmother is Not Your Responsibility. When Mom cries, suggest that she might consider some counseling.

Be proud and satisfied for all the help you have given. I'll bet Grandfather's last years were better for your presence. And now get on with building a life you can be proud of and happy with.
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Sharonmit- I'm 31 years old, no children. Four years ago I was offered my own store in Northern California with the company I had been with, but had to decline due to the health of my Grandfather. Over the 4 years I was able to work less and less, becoming more dependent on my Mother.
1 1/2 years ago Grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer. He just passed away on hospice.
Always assumed this was Grandma's way of getting her stress out, by taking it out on me.
I was able to get a part time job, but my monthly income barely covers my car payment and gas.
Grandma has not been diagnosed with any mental issue related to age. Her doctor said her brain looked just fine, no advances stages of anything. So wondering if she has always had mental behavioral problems and they are just showing more now.
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What is your age? My mother has Alzheimer's, I live in her home with her and it is very trying. I understand. Does your grandmother have dementia? I don't know your exact family situation, but I can tell you this. I have two children, ages 27 and 24. Personally under no circumstance would I allow either of my children to give up schooling or a job to care for my mother. It is not their problem. I appreciate their help when offered, but I accept it on a limited basis. They will come sit with grandma while I do grocery shopping, have my own dr appt, etc. They come visit regularly to visit grandma.

Care giving for my mother has brought me much stress, but blessings too. I do not share with my children all that is going on with her. If your mom is crying to you about what she has on her plate, then it is time for her to consider other alternatives. I would tell you under no circumstance you should give up college, or employment to take care of your grandmother. If someone is expecting that from you, they are in the wrong.
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