Hi
Need some advice. My nan is 81 years old, she’s fit for her age but her behaviour is a massive problem for me and my family and causing upset.
She’s always been a control freak and manipulative and liked to tell tales on a regular basis. If someone said something, she couldn’t wait to gossip. My grandad died this February from heart failure and even when he was in hospital, she made the whole ordeal about herself, comments like “bet if I was in hospital he wouldn’t look after me” she would even shout at him when he refused to eat and drink near end of his life which I found disgraceful and she said he was hard work.
It’s been 8 months since his death and her behaviour is worse and just appalling now. She’s never on her own for very long, she spends half of the morning at her sons, and afternoon into the evening at me and parents house and she goes home around 8pm.
we take her shopping, help with her bills, take her to the dr’s and take her on outings, but this is never enough and always complains and picks away at others. I’m disabled and my mother also looks after me. If you have an appointment yourself and it interferes with HER plans, she sulks if you won’t drop everything.
we had a argument yesterday because she went behind my back over plans we pre made and she changed them to suit her and I got upset. Instead of saying sorry, she went and told her son but added more to it to make me look like the one in the wrong.
It’s getting to the point now that I can’t stand talking to her, let alone being around her. I don’t even want her for Christmas because she’ll pick at things.
I’m stuck in the middle and finding it hard to cope with her behaviour.
It really is a shame that you are caught in the middle of all of this. I am so sorry.
Your grandmother is a very selfish woman.
My husband’s grandmother was like this. When her husband became ill with cancer, the very first words out of her mouth were, “What’s going to happen to me?” She didn’t care at all about her husband going through cancer and dying.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to see her for Christmas.
I know that you don’t expect her to be pleasant. I doubt that she would even be able to be civil with others. I think that I would do my best to avoid her at all costs.
There’s no point in trying to reason with someone like your grandmother. You already know that she is stuck in her ways and it would be futile to say anything to her expecting her to change.
Gma needs a good physical. Labs and a cognitive eval. She could have had signs of Dementia and granddad covered it up. It happens all the time. Lots of OPs have brought a parent home to live with them and find that the other parent was compensating for the others weaknesses. Grandma may be better in an Assisted Living.
Why would you think/expect change?
I doubt that will happen.
Really, the only way to deal with unpleasant people is NOT to deal with them. Steer clear. Stay out of their general vicinity. Let her hire in help; stop enabling her.
I sure wish you the best moving forward. It takes two to argue, and non-participation in her drama will make it a short one-act play.
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Schedule her for a cognitive evaluation.
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Maybe she shouldn't be living alone, but neither you nor anyone in your family should consider taking her into your homes to care for her. That would be a recipe for disaster for everyone.
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Consider breaking off altogether. You have no legal obligation to take care of this woman or any family member.
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You and your mom have your own problems. Let her find others to wait on her, help her, and take her to appointments.
but
"Oh, but what would she do without us?"
well,
Don't worry, she'd find others to browbeat and intimidate. Trust me. They always do.
I hope you have a better new year!
You set the ground rules in your house.
If she "breaks" the rules you invite her to leave. NOW.
You STOP catering to every whim and demand.
You do things for her when it is convenient for you to do so. If something needs to get done NOW and you can't do it then she can find another way to get it done.
For you, if you are in the middle, you leave if you can not help or resolve the situation. And you do not let yourself get put in the middle again.
If there is a way that you can move out and be on your own that might be good for you. You do not go into detail but there are ways that you could become more independent.
You also do not go into detail about your grandma, if dementia is at play here then there is no way that SHE will change (and at her age she probably won't change anyway) But if dementia is at play here you can not explain to her and have her comprehend the "rules" that she should follow. Looking into AL or MC might be the thing that would help all around.
I'd rally the family together and have a talk with her with ONE person doing the talking.
Now having said that, it may be time for an evaluation from a Dr. or to even get some psyche help for her. She sounds angry and even a little scared at being on her own even though you all are there to help. Her control triggers are being pushed. More than likely due to the death of her spouse as she now has no one to complain to. She now has nowhere to put all of her "picking" but to project it onto you and the rest of the family.
Take some of your own control back and speak up to her.
Exactly the way you deal with a child one.
How would you handle an entitled, spoiled, obnoxious, trouble -making brat?
By ignoring them and giving consequences for their bad behavior.
Your grandmother needs to be grounded by her family. This means she gets a good talking too first and told by everyone that if she does not clean up her act, she will be left on her own.
No one picking her up, no one helping her out. Warn her in advance that if she starts up on Christmas in ANY way, she will be put into a car and dropped off at home. No exceptions. Put her in her place and call her out on her crap.