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My grandmother, who currently lives with my mom, who is the main caregiver, absolutely refuses to move into a assisted living. She thinks that she does not need help at all and she is looking at apartments for her to rent to get out of having my mom as a caregiver. My mom is not taking care of herself and the situation is getting bad. My grandmother is still driving, even though she shouldn't be and has the financial means to do what she wants. She cannot live by herself because she cannot take care of herself. I have toured a few assisted living facilities and want to figure out a way to get her to move in. She gets angry when you discuss it and tells me that "shes not going to go into assisted living because she's capable to take care of herself." When she's not, but you can't tell her that otherwise its a big fight and hurt feelings. Anyone have a tricks up their sleeves for a transition like this?

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sheimann199, if your Grandmother is in her 80's or 90's, she probably remembers elders in her own family who were sent to live in a facility, but back then the facility was the County Asylum [my great-great-grandfather was in one], which wasn't the best of places due to the lack of modern medicine that we have today. I couldn't imagine even visiting a love one in such a place.

Use a "therapeutic fib" to get Grandmother to tour Assisted Living/Memory Care places with you. Tell her that a friend of yours parent is planning to move and your friend wants Grandmother's opinion on the different places.

I remember when it was time for my Dad to move to senior living. He was soooo surprised at the place, it was like living in a hotel. After moving in he said he wished he would have done this a couple years ago, but he never knew this place existed. He liked the idea there were all these new ears to hear his stories :))
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Reply to freqflyer
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"Grandma, of course you don't need a babysitter! But you are entitled to retire and to let other people take over some of the chores. You've earned it. How many dishes have you washed in your lifetime? How many meals have you made? How many acres of carpet have you vacuumed? While you are looking for a nice apartment, don't rule out the ones that have lots of services available right in the building. You can afford a very nice place. I don't blame you for wanting to live on your own, and not in mother's house. I could help you find a nice place that has all kinds of amenities."

"Grandma, I think that you and Mother have used up your patience on each other! I think you will get along far better if you stop living together. Would you like me to help you search for a nice apartment?"

These are nice, nonthreatening, logical arguments, right? Alas! Persons with dementia are seldom persuaded by logic. It is definitely worth a try. Don't put a lot of positive expectation into them. Just try.

As BB points out, the person Mom has control over is Mom. But even if Mom is firm about "I can't help you anymore," I'm afraid that plays into Grandma's hands. Grandma insists she doesn't need help, and she will be happy to stop living there. But that doesn't mean she will seek Assisted Living.

Maybe the best you can do is to encourage her to move out and try to stir her to toward senior options where help is available.

That she is driving is a risk for other people. I suggest you contact the DMV and report her as unsafe. She will probably be asked to take tests.
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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Short of someone becoming grandmas guardian, you can't force her to do anything.

The only thing your mom has control over is herself. Mom has to say " no, mom, I can't do this anymore. " And mean it.

How did Grandma come to live with mom? Who thought that was a good idea?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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