Grandma needs care, I have a toddler and another on the way. Any advice?

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What to do--grandma lives in a different state, my mom was taking care of her all these years and has now stopped. Grandma has nobody else to take care of her. Grandma wants to move here so I can take care of her. I would be more than willing, but I have an almost two year old and am pregnant now. I know how demanding newborns are, I just don't think I could handle it!! On the other hand it would just be a year or so of mass chaos, no time for myself and sleepless nights! Thoughts?? Anyone doing this?

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Countrymouse, you raise a good point. My dad always talked about "saving for a rainy day". I've pointed out to him a couple of times that it's now pouring!
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Good advice here. If I could start over, I would never have let my dad move in with us. Every concern I had has come to pass, plus a couple dozen problems I never imagined! And now I have the unhappy task of getting him to move to assisted living, which I've come to realize is only going to happen when I set a deadline and get nasty about enforcing it.

Help Grandma find appropriate care, either near her current home or near yours. But not IN yours!!
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One of the reasons that your grandmother's generation worked so hard to accumulate a certain amount of wealth was to secure the comfort of their old age. Well, the time has come. That is what her wealth is for. Perhaps you could do worse than remind her that she can't take it with her, and besides does she have any other plans for it? Bequeathing it to her grateful grandsons doesn't sound like it would be the best idea ever!
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Thanks all for your honesty.
And yep guns have been in the picture a time or two believe it or not, she has had a very hard life.
It certainly sounds like too much to take on...
I need to make some calls tomorrow!
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I can understand elders wanting to hold onto their home/land for dear life, as they worked so hard to obtain it.... but it comes a point in time what is more important, the house/land or Grandma's health well being? Sometimes elders just don't get it.

Oh, they want the child(ren) to inherit the house/land no matter at what risk. Note that 40% of the caregivers pass leaving behind the person they have been caring, so what good was hanging onto the house/land if there are no heirs to enjoy it. That is an issue I have with my very elderly parents, many a time I told them that they might outlive me [I am so stressed out], so don't worry about the house. Even if I get the house, I would put it on the market the very next day.... the memories are in my heart, not in bricks and wood.
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I am definitely taking into consideration that her condition could deteriorate overnight. The thing is she doesn't want to"lose the house and land to that," after all these years of holding onto it through many hardships. A part of me wants to "fight that battle with her" to hold onto what she held so dear....but not sure that is wise!!
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She has a lot of debt due to your brothers' stupidity..? How does that happen? She took out loans to sub them? Did they hold a gun to her head?

It is very hard trying to organise things for somebody else at such a distance. It is also extremely hard to know exactly what has gone on when you're not on the scene. But if your mother, her own daughter, has thrown in the towel then that must tell you something. It should tell you that looking after your grandmother is no walk in the park, even if you do believe that you have greater reserves of patience than your mother.

You have a husband, a ministry and soon to be two children. You do not have the time to devote to your grandmother that she will need, it's that simple.

Your best bet is probably to ring the relevant social services in your grandmother's area, identify a key worker among them, and ask their advice. They may, for example, agree to visit your grandmother and assess her care needs, including how they might be financed. They will certainly be able to advise you on what kind of assistance your grandmother can ask for.

But if you just uproot your grandmother, bring her to live with you, and then find out too late - when she's become wholly dependent on you for any kind of social or family life - that you have bitten off more than you can chew, that would be very bad news for all concerned. Proceed with extreme caution.
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Newsandblog, it is wonderful that you wish to help your Grandmother, and at the moment it sounds like she would need minimum care, but that could change over night at her age. Then she would need more full-time care. I can't picture you trying to help her shower while carrying a baby on your hip, if you know what I mean.

And Grandma might love being around the grand-babies but eventually she will become jealous of the time you are spending with them, especially if she should develop dementia [not saying she would].

As OregonGirl had said, let the State take the house to help pay for your Grandmother's room/board/care in a continuing care facility. Grandma might enjoy being around people of her own generation, they would have a lot of common, especially music :)

And once you start being the main caregiver, it is very difficult to past the baton onto someone else. Bet your Mom is physically and emotionally burnt out, and that takes a long time to recover. Stress can cause a lot of different health issues.
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My grandpa did serve in ww2, but he was not disabled from it.
Her medical conditions would be very bad osteoporosis (mainly of the hip), diabetes, glaucoma and high blood pressure. Her mind is 100%. She is 86.
And yes, when I say abuse I mean it. I lived it myself before I went to college and left home. Her grandsons (my brothers) are drug addicts, they are belligerent and violent.
I will talk to her about assisted living. Just not sure where she would go as I am not familiar with them at all in her state.
Really, I just want her to be happy and taken care of in her final days/years.
I think I answered all the questions.
The hard part is trying to talk to her by phone/getting things situated from another state.
Oh and she definitely doesn't have $2,000/3,000 a month for care. She has a lot of debt due to my brothers stupidity.
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Newsandbag....I feel so sorry for your grandma. Taken advantage of from so many relatives...... I hope those people who took advantage of her will know that what goes around comes around. Their day will come. If you were my daughter, I would not just say NO don't do it, I would say H*LL NO. The house would probably be of greater value to you to allow the STATE to take it in exchange for her care. Homes are not selling for what they are worth. If it is not in perfect condition expect a very low offer from Investors. I have been in Real Estate for 40 years. Your value is probably in the STATE taking it in exchange for her care.

How old is your Gram? I would think she would be happier in a quiet place now. Take care of yourself and your children. Your husband certainly wants what is best for his mom and his family. The idea of a small home care situation that RAMILLER mentioned sounds like a GREAT answer I bet they are full all the time.

Vet? or wife of a disabled VET from wartime. Apply but be ready for a 5 year wait in most cases. They will pay retro-active. In fact, if she is, the STATE may make her apply. I hate what is happening to our elderly. This Country should be ashamed of themselves for how we treat the old..
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