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What to do--grandma lives in a different state, my mom was taking care of her all these years and has now stopped. Grandma has nobody else to take care of her. Grandma wants to move here so I can take care of her. I would be more than willing, but I have an almost two year old and am pregnant now. I know how demanding newborns are, I just don't think I could handle it!! On the other hand it would just be a year or so of mass chaos, no time for myself and sleepless nights! Thoughts?? Anyone doing this?

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Countrymouse, you raise a good point. My dad always talked about "saving for a rainy day". I've pointed out to him a couple of times that it's now pouring!
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Good advice here. If I could start over, I would never have let my dad move in with us. Every concern I had has come to pass, plus a couple dozen problems I never imagined! And now I have the unhappy task of getting him to move to assisted living, which I've come to realize is only going to happen when I set a deadline and get nasty about enforcing it.

Help Grandma find appropriate care, either near her current home or near yours. But not IN yours!!
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One of the reasons that your grandmother's generation worked so hard to accumulate a certain amount of wealth was to secure the comfort of their old age. Well, the time has come. That is what her wealth is for. Perhaps you could do worse than remind her that she can't take it with her, and besides does she have any other plans for it? Bequeathing it to her grateful grandsons doesn't sound like it would be the best idea ever!
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Thanks all for your honesty.
And yep guns have been in the picture a time or two believe it or not, she has had a very hard life.
It certainly sounds like too much to take on...
I need to make some calls tomorrow!
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I can understand elders wanting to hold onto their home/land for dear life, as they worked so hard to obtain it.... but it comes a point in time what is more important, the house/land or Grandma's health well being? Sometimes elders just don't get it.

Oh, they want the child(ren) to inherit the house/land no matter at what risk. Note that 40% of the caregivers pass leaving behind the person they have been caring, so what good was hanging onto the house/land if there are no heirs to enjoy it. That is an issue I have with my very elderly parents, many a time I told them that they might outlive me [I am so stressed out], so don't worry about the house. Even if I get the house, I would put it on the market the very next day.... the memories are in my heart, not in bricks and wood.
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I am definitely taking into consideration that her condition could deteriorate overnight. The thing is she doesn't want to"lose the house and land to that," after all these years of holding onto it through many hardships. A part of me wants to "fight that battle with her" to hold onto what she held so dear....but not sure that is wise!!
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She has a lot of debt due to your brothers' stupidity..? How does that happen? She took out loans to sub them? Did they hold a gun to her head?

It is very hard trying to organise things for somebody else at such a distance. It is also extremely hard to know exactly what has gone on when you're not on the scene. But if your mother, her own daughter, has thrown in the towel then that must tell you something. It should tell you that looking after your grandmother is no walk in the park, even if you do believe that you have greater reserves of patience than your mother.

You have a husband, a ministry and soon to be two children. You do not have the time to devote to your grandmother that she will need, it's that simple.

Your best bet is probably to ring the relevant social services in your grandmother's area, identify a key worker among them, and ask their advice. They may, for example, agree to visit your grandmother and assess her care needs, including how they might be financed. They will certainly be able to advise you on what kind of assistance your grandmother can ask for.

But if you just uproot your grandmother, bring her to live with you, and then find out too late - when she's become wholly dependent on you for any kind of social or family life - that you have bitten off more than you can chew, that would be very bad news for all concerned. Proceed with extreme caution.
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Newsandblog, it is wonderful that you wish to help your Grandmother, and at the moment it sounds like she would need minimum care, but that could change over night at her age. Then she would need more full-time care. I can't picture you trying to help her shower while carrying a baby on your hip, if you know what I mean.

And Grandma might love being around the grand-babies but eventually she will become jealous of the time you are spending with them, especially if she should develop dementia [not saying she would].

As OregonGirl had said, let the State take the house to help pay for your Grandmother's room/board/care in a continuing care facility. Grandma might enjoy being around people of her own generation, they would have a lot of common, especially music :)

And once you start being the main caregiver, it is very difficult to past the baton onto someone else. Bet your Mom is physically and emotionally burnt out, and that takes a long time to recover. Stress can cause a lot of different health issues.
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My grandpa did serve in ww2, but he was not disabled from it.
Her medical conditions would be very bad osteoporosis (mainly of the hip), diabetes, glaucoma and high blood pressure. Her mind is 100%. She is 86.
And yes, when I say abuse I mean it. I lived it myself before I went to college and left home. Her grandsons (my brothers) are drug addicts, they are belligerent and violent.
I will talk to her about assisted living. Just not sure where she would go as I am not familiar with them at all in her state.
Really, I just want her to be happy and taken care of in her final days/years.
I think I answered all the questions.
The hard part is trying to talk to her by phone/getting things situated from another state.
Oh and she definitely doesn't have $2,000/3,000 a month for care. She has a lot of debt due to my brothers stupidity.
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Newsandbag....I feel so sorry for your grandma. Taken advantage of from so many relatives...... I hope those people who took advantage of her will know that what goes around comes around. Their day will come. If you were my daughter, I would not just say NO don't do it, I would say H*LL NO. The house would probably be of greater value to you to allow the STATE to take it in exchange for her care. Homes are not selling for what they are worth. If it is not in perfect condition expect a very low offer from Investors. I have been in Real Estate for 40 years. Your value is probably in the STATE taking it in exchange for her care.

How old is your Gram? I would think she would be happier in a quiet place now. Take care of yourself and your children. Your husband certainly wants what is best for his mom and his family. The idea of a small home care situation that RAMILLER mentioned sounds like a GREAT answer I bet they are full all the time.

Vet? or wife of a disabled VET from wartime. Apply but be ready for a 5 year wait in most cases. They will pay retro-active. In fact, if she is, the STATE may make her apply. I hate what is happening to our elderly. This Country should be ashamed of themselves for how we treat the old..
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Nursing homes are not so wonderful and yes she would have to spend all but 2000.00 to qualify for Medicaid. She could keep the house and a car in her name. However assisted living may be much nicer and cheaper. Adult foster homes are another option and we just looked into one( actually several) for my mom. They are small usually 6 residents, we looked at a beautiful one for 3000.00 a month. I am not allowed to mention my blog here anymore but I did a post about how nice these homes can be and a great alternative to nursing home. Is gram a,vet or spouse of vet?
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If i had a dollar for everytime "someone said". Grandma needs to see an eldercare attorney who specializes in Medicaid, for starts.

What are grandma's medical problems? Does she havecsny dementia? Has she been seeing a docyor regularly? When you say she's suffered at the hands of family, have you heard both sides of the story?
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Mom stopped because she said grandma was mean to her, but mom was mean to her too.
My grandma has a house (dilapidating but could be restored) and some land, she is trying to sell it but it is going nowhere. Someone told her that if she goes into a nursing home the state will take all of her assets to pay for her care before she would get any type of help, is that true?? She doesn't trust hardly anyone to help her with financial matters.
Husband is fully aware and wants to move her out here. She has suffered MUCH at the hand of relatives for years. She doesn't need 24/7 care but would need all meals, cleaning and someone to stay while she showers. She knows she wouldn't be able to live with us since we don't have room and can't move since we live in a parsonage (pastors, house provided by church).
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I agree talk to mom find out why she stopped helping. You in no way can do babies and old people you will never survive. You need to sleep sometime and if you aren't changing the baby you'll be changing grandma and I can't even imagine the laundry yeeks. Find out grams financial situation and perhaps assisted living near you would be a good option, but let me warn you if you start to do it all your mother will assume things are fine. You need to make her understand things are not fine. Hopefully your husband knows what's going on so he can keep you balanced. Caring for the elderly is a demanding full time job. You are wonderful for caring about gram.
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Have you talked to your mom about why she "stopped"? May she have burned out? Is she trying to get your grandma to accept the idea of outside caregivers or possibly assisted living or a nursing home. I think a conversation with your mom is in order. Grandma has other options, she just doesn't like them.
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I have no idea how you are doing any elder care. I KNOW you could not handle it For heavens sake....You are in a very demanding job already. At 73 myself, I love my grandkids, but I also love peace and quiet. I would never live with my kids and little grandchildren NEVER EVER. I would be the worst house guest. No one should expect you to do any care giving while you are pregnant. You do know you don't get to sit down when you are caring for a person who is elderly and not able to walk well etc??? Good Luck and God Bless
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