In the last several months, I've assumed more responsibility in my Grandmother's affairs. She is 83, lives alone in a 2-story home in NY state, and is declining. I live several hours away and am supposed to be moving out of the country in a few weeks.
Here are some previous posts on her:
Grandma has already had Adult Protective Services called on her. She has an APS social worker, Zack. He has been very helpful in some ways, but now I feel like we are in a never ending Hell of chasing our tails. I need something to change, fast. Her helpful neighbor, Maureen, is pulling away.
Grandma has many, many health issues. She struggles to walk. She has good days and bad days, but is often confused, can't hold a conversation, or becomes emotional and upset. She has diagnosed Borderline personality disorder and other mental health concerns. She is incontinent and has not bathed in months. She smells terribly. She refuses home aides. She refuses to wear any new clothing I bought her, and wears literal smelly, stained, soiled dirty rags that are ripping off her body. She refuses to answer the door for home-visit doctors like podiatrists, and has toenails that curl under her feet and she can no longer wear shoes. She has fallen several times, and has been transported to the hospital (she has not been admitted). She has been refusing to answer the door for the volunteer shopper (or will answer without dressing), and will often allow herself to run out of food, and appear to not understand how this has happened. She will often not answer the phone for days at a time, and if she does answer the phone, she often complains of feeling very tired, "mixed up", dizzy, or confused, and then will become defensive at the drop of a hat, and say she needs to go and rest, and to "give her a break" and not call for a while. She's back to saying she doesn't need any help at home, and had canceled the newest home aide evaluation that Zack (the APS social worker) set up. I'm feeling very hopeless. During previous police welfare checks, Grandma is filthy, but a charmer. I think she made Maureen, the neighbor, her proxy. Now Grandma's making up accusations that Zack made inappropriate advances towards her.
There is no one else who can help, and I don't know her finances. She cannot live with me, I cannot pay for an aide or residential care, and I was supposed to be moving out of the country in a few weeks.
What are my options here?
Wait until she falls again and is injured, and needs SNF rehab?
Wait until she is having a "bad day", is ranting, undressed, and unwashed, and has allowed herself to be completely out of food, and then call for a welfare check and hope they transport her somewhere?
If she goes to the hospital, what if literally everyone says she is unsafe at home and refuses to pick her up - will she be transported somewhere?
Can't APS be doing more...?
I thought we could keep her in her home, but I'm feeling very discouraged. I have explained the reasoning for the home aide, visiting doctors, and volunteer shopper all to her very clearly, and framed it as positively as I can as often as I can. It's not working. I'm starting to think it's better for her to be somewhere that she can get regular care, if she won't allow anyone to help her then I don't think she can remain at home much longer. I think I keep holding on because I'm worried about the welfare of her cats (who I will arrange foster/ permanent homes for when the time comes).
What can I do?!